At ease, soldier!
As some of you might've noticed, two most overused themes on this blog are music (Heavy Metal to be precise) and video games. The reason for that is very simple, really. Music and video games are my all-time favorites. I love those things as much as I love my own genitals, and no girlfriend so far has been able to persuade me otherwise, let alone make me abandon it for the sake of cuddling and watching "Dirty Dancing" every weekend. For some reason, chicks dig that movie A LOT...
Never the less, the main reason for those things to be mentioned on my blog so often is because, like everything else, it turned into a messed-up clusterfuck over the time. Is it because I'm getting older and lamer, or because development companies are run by retards, I honestly can't tell.
And of course, as everyone, I do have my favorites in those two categories. Music aside, let's just focus on video games this time. After years of gaming experience, I can honestly say my favorite game of all time is Operation Flashpoint.
Yes, even tough it looked like this.
So what exactly makes me write about Operation Flashpoint, and what exactly makes me think it is bullshit for most part? Because let's face it, there aren't many awesome things analyzed in detail on this blog...
OK, so here's the premise... Operation Flashpoint is a military sim set at the peak of the Cold War, during 1980s. 1985, to be precise, shortly before the fall of The Berlin Wall and dissolving of the Soviet Union. For some reason, the Russians decided to attack some middle-of-nowhere, piece-of-shit fictional republic the size of one small island. Just how would that strengthen the Soviet Union, I honestly can't tell. So, as a good and honorable U.S. soldier, it is your job to kick the Commies back to Red Square and teach them never to mess with freedom, democracy and McDonald's ever again. Sounds plausible, right? Well, as much plausible as "Red Dawn", but never mind that...
The point is, we have the setting, we have the coolest guns available, and we have the best recruitment commercial for U.S. Army you ever saw. And we have the villains that are politically correct to slaughter. Yippy-kai-ayyyyeeee!!!!!! Cold War is awesome again!!!!!
Just look at those evil Communist ugly mugs, standing there smiling and all! Somebody ought to teach them a lesson! And that guy even has John-Lennon-style sunglasses! Holy cow, not only are they evil Communists, they are also hippies! Time for a lead injection, cocksuckers!!!!!
But that's not all, just look at the asshole leading them!
His name is General Alexei Sergeievich Guba. And no, General is not his military rank, it's his goddamn name! Why? Because he's the evil villain, that's why! He even has a Ukranian mistress! Among soldiers and Gulag prisoners he is also known as "The Dentist". Apparently, not even the U.S. Special Forces know how he got that nick name, but it sure sounds scary. If he reminds you of an average James Bond villain, that's because he is.
He's the western stereotype of a Soviet general, leading the western stereotype of a Soviet army in a game that is supposed to be "realistic". Good job, guys!
So far so good, right? What could be wrong with this game? After all, it tries to simulate an actual modern battlefield. Why am I being such a misguided cockweasel?
Well, the entire reputation of this game is built around "realism". There are even rumors of U.S. Army using it as a training tool. Which may sound plausible after you beat the first few missions. You play the entire game from a first person perspective. You can run, crouch, go prone, shoot, reload, aim down your iron sights, and one bullet in the right place can end it all for you. Hey, not bad! After countless games where you jumped around like a goddamn monkey with a machine gun, spraying bullets through a tiny white cross in the middle of your monitor screen, this was quite a refreshment!
Yeah, after beating the first mission, I really felt like I could just pick up an M16 and go shoot me some Russians. It all sounds plausible, despite the graphics that was horrible even for 2001 standards. But here's the problem...
The entire game takes place on a fictional island that awfully reminds me of stereotypical English and New Zealand landscape, with it's forests and green meadows. The problem is, it works and feels like a goddamn desert. How? Well, look at the picture above! Take away the fence and the benches, and you're left with a flat green surface for miles around you. No vegetation. No bushes. No trees. No walls. Just a green desert all around you. Forget about cover, my boy... Which means that taking cover and moving carefully is not really an option, expect when you're crawling on your belly in plain sight. Something your average real-life C.O. wouldn't recommend.
So basically, despite the fancy aiming and movement, we're left with a goddamn run-and-gun shooter. OK, you can take cover in the forest, but that doesn't help much to boost up the realism... or DOES it?
Maybe I'm forgetting about one crucial detail in all this mess. And that is the U.S. soldiers are goddamn SUPERMEN! And we're talking about regular troops here, if they sent the Marines, the war would probably be over in two days. One day to slaughter the enemies. One day to yell "Hurrah!" and drink all the gasoline from the Russian tanks they destroyed. With their fists. Because, according to video games prior to Brothers In Arms and Gears Of War, taking cover is for pussies. Real men stand on tip of their toes in a firefight and get shit DONE with a hail of 5.56 mm slugs.
What do you think he would do if faced with an onslaught of Russian tanks? Found some cover and called for backup? Maybe if he was a sissy. But he's not. He's THE MARINE.
So we have a Bond villain leading the Soviet troops, a real American hero as a main character, lots and lots of guns... what am I complaining about? Well, how about a lack of teamwork?
You may think that Operation Flashpoint has plenty of teamwork involved. And you may be right. From mission 1 you are working as a part of your squad, and later on you even get a squad of your own to command. That's some macho stuff for you right there, leading a squad of U.S. soldiers that are only one step away from being the MARINES and two steps away from being GODS. Well, at least until you see them running into a tree, face first...
Call me old-fashioned, but I always tought working as a team meant covering each other and moving carefully from cover to cover. In this game, however, all the commands you can give to your squad are mostly about changing their formation (won't help you a bit in a firefight, but boy does it make you look cool), and getting into a vehicle. It never occurs to them to stup running around like retards, and find some cover. And then pop a few shots at the enemy, maybe cover each other as they move... Again, I might be a bit misguided. Since we already established that they are goddamn MEN, not some cover-seeking amateurs.
You see, this is the wrong way to do it... Cowering behind a brick wall, taking potshots, assisting your mates by providing covering fire...
And here's the right way to do it!
Hell yeah! Running shoulder-to-shoulder with you mates through an unknown, possibly enemy-occupied village while carrying a true American M16 and looking like a total BADASS.
If you are, by some chance, a gritty Operation Flashpoint veteran, you might notice that some missions take place during heavy rain. It only makes me wonder... How come your guns never jam? No, seriously... there you are, carrying an M16 through mud and rain, crawling on your belly with it, and it never fucking jams! All my life I was lead to believe that M16 was nothing short of awesome, and then all of a sudden, I learn that it is extremely unreliable in real life, which cost many lives. I was ready to call it a day and pick myself an AK, but then... here comes Operation Flashpoint! And it turns out that yes, M16 truely IS the best weapon ever made! Accurate, reliable, lethal and easy to use! We all know this because Operation Flashpoint is, you know, realistic...
Hell yeah, a rifle that won the World War 3!
Also, your tanks never break down, helicopters never crash, trucks never get bogged down in the mud, and generally all of your equipment is working properly all the time. Really, maybe I should've named this article "My misguided views on how World War 3 would've been fought"...
One of the things that also stunned me in this game is how desolate and abandoned the world looks. It doesn't matter if you're moving through a village or the capital city, there's never any civilians around. You can drop a nuke and it still wouldn't be considered a war crime, since there were no innocents hurt in the process. Holy shit, I tought war was tough on the civilians! Turns out they're never put in harm's way. Ever! Because none of those people care about their properties and their houses, they just moved away safely and let the Russians take it. OK, in Operation Flashpoint: Resistance we sometimes see a village populated by 5 people. But they're mostly there for the sake of mission objectives.
Oh, and just in case you're wondering... the whole mess broke out when a renegade villain general (described above) decided to "fuck it all" and just led thousands of soldiers, along with tanks, air force and Spetsnaz units to destroy one tiny democratic republic. Without any involvment from Moscow! At all! According to colonel Blake, leader of the good guys in this game, they're "so far from the central command in Moscow we're not even sure who are they taking orders from". That's right. They were operating on their own behalf all the time, without any knowledge or involvement from central command in Moscow.
The Soviet Union never noticed their army invaded a godamn country. Apparently, all the communications in the Red Army was done by carrier pigeons. So my fan fiction scenario of carrier pigeons fucking things up by delivering wrong messages to general Guba seems plausible after all.
You incompetent asshole!
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