In case you didn't read my previous post about this subject, there was a cute little article I wrote about what was it like to be a Metalhead during my teenage years. There were great things, there were bad things, but most of all, there were things so rediculous it makes me wonder how the hell I managed to keep my head from exploding.
Sure, we had great concept albums and side projects from famous Metal musicians. But we also had "Nu Metal plague", that lame Blind Guardian opera album that raped my ears and we had Sarah Jezebel Deva who just... well... raped my eyes.
What has been seen, cannot be unseen...
We had a lot of great stuff, sure. But we also had a lot of crap. For every time I teased my friend about looking EXACTLY like MortIIs over a keg of beer, I also got to sit and listen to some crappy Nu Metal douche band that my other friend described as "Melodic Death Metal" for some reason. Yeah, in case you're wondering, my gang was pretty weird back then...
Also, I had a friend who looked like this guy. Good luck trying to get that image out of your head.
So, anyway, the last time I talked about some things I had to experience as a young Metalhead. This time, I'm going to do the same, only I'm gonna talk about OTHER stuff that made me both love and hate Metal. Don't worry, I'm not a complete monster. There will be pictures of boobs in this article, since I'm fully aware of the fact that the last two photos probably already scarred you for life. So, here we go...
No need to thank me.
So, first let's hear about some bad things. As everyone else on this planet, I sometimes enjoy browsing through my old collection of still surviving CDs and video tapes, just to remember what it was like back then. It's kind of my thing. Listening to old Metal albums I spent all my money on curled up near a fireplace with a cup of hot coffee. You know... macho stuff. Anyways. And more often then not, I stumble upon some weird collection of "What the fuckin' FUCK?!?!" I never even realized was there in the first place.
Or at least I didn't think it was rediculous back then. Seriously, it would be funny if I didn't actually pay money for it. I'm talking about jewels like...
This!
Holy shit, what was I thinking back then?! As some of you might know, I'm a huge Blind Guardian fan. Seriously. I think their music is really unique, a combination of Power and Thrash Metal with unique vocals and fantasy themed lyrics. It's what Lord Of The Rings movie would be like if a Metalhead filmed it. And even more so, these guys have an entire album dedicated to fictional history of Middle-Earth. Beat THAT, Dungeons & Dragons geeks! But... after a series of kickass awesome albums they decided to flush it all down the toilet and make a Metal Opera album. So how did that turn out?
Well, imagine a mess of loud noises, dominated mostly by squeaky and incoherent guitar solos and a bunch of guys singing in squeaky voices. Oh, and Hansi? The lead singer? Yeah, he also sounds like a Japanese schoolgirl getting a tentacle shoved up her ass. And the lyrics?
"Son of man (You truly are mine)
Can't stand the pain
No more grief and misery
It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on
Father stop it now
We must stop it now
You really think you are half way up
I would not mind if you were right (It's not sure)
I'd rather say you are half way down
So I am going to help you if I can"
Did you make any sense of that? Me neither. If you were able to successfully imagine what this album sounds like, you should have a tiny stream of blood coming out of your ears, nose and eyes. To add insult to injury, after hearing some boring as hell songs they released after this abysmal album, they managed to convince me to give up on them completely.
Next, we have Nightwish. Ah, the very precious Nightwish. Really, I love those guys! I mean, how can you NOT love Nightwish?! Seriously, can you think of any other Metal band that combines all these characters in one place? Just look at them...
We have the whole package here! Captain Jack Sparrow on the keyboards. A chick who looks like the sum of all my childhood fears on the microphone. A kindergarten kid with a guitar. A viking wannabe on the bass (who kind of gives away the impression that Hannah Montana could open up a can of Krav Maga on his ass and then brag about it). And a guy with a pink headwrap as a drummer. Tell me, did you ever hear anything screaming "Metal!" louder then this?
But be that as it may, I always liked them for their melodic, catchy songs. Not brutal guitar riffs. Not wild solos. But simply because their songs were pleasant to my ears. Period.
So what happened next?
They decided to fuck it all up and go "Heavy". That's right, even tough their guitar riffs sound like an elephant farting into the speakerphone. No melodic songs, no catchy tunes, no romantic undertones... just some stupidass riffing. With zero solos, and even worse drumming skills. They fucked up everything that was good about them. And exaggerated everything that was bad, but nobody noticed before. It's no surprise that the shit hit the fan after this album and Nightwish got K.I.A.
OK, that's two out of five of my favorite bands destroyed. I think that's enough for now. So what about the good things? Well, how about saving us from becoming fatasses? You can thank Tankard for that...
Hey, I won't deny that Tankard has the best life philosophy ever. Judging by their songs, these guys found a perfect recipe for happiness. Eat crappy food, drink beer, get fat and don't give a shit about anything else. Sounds like every man's dream, right? Hell, their songs were like hymns to us on our every guys' night out.
But as you get older and lamer, like I do, you kind of look at all that from a different perspective and one day you just think "Ooops! Maybe those guys WEREN'T the wisest men on Earth!"
Yeah, how could this guy be wrong? Look at him!
Just like Nightwish unintentionally taught me "Don't wear mascara, it makes you look stupid.", Tankard taught me "Don't drink beer like a goddamn idiot all the time, it will make you look like us.". In other words, it saved me from turning into a greasy blob of fat and beer belly. Don't believe me? It was only after I noticed I was beginning to look like Tankard's lead singer that I realized that shit wasn't funny anymore. Being drunk every day also didn't help much. So I decided to fuck that shit, and went back to gym and soft energy drinks.
"Yeah, that's REALLY what Metal is all about, douchebag!" you might think with your usual tons of sarcasm, followed by rolling your eyes. But let me explain...
Hot girls are not into Metal. Period. They were for a short while, when Metal became popular again, but those are were all easy come-easy go girls anyway. Nowadays, they're mildly attractive at best. Fuck ugly at worst. And those that are hot, well... you think you can turn her on with a beer belly? Heh, good luck with that! As for me, I'll take working on my biceps over a beer belly any day now, thank you very much...
Oh, and here's something to help you recover from this article...
Stay tuned for more, as soon as I think of what to write about next...
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