"Lesbian Vampire Killers" vs "Twilight"

Let us all, for one second, pretend we are not embarrased by the fact that we all saw "Twilight". Wether because your girlfriend dragged you to the theater, or because you watched that movie with a female friend in one of your attempts to trick her into letting you touch her boob. It doesn't matter. We all saw "Twilight". And we all fucking hated it.



Fuck you, Stephanie Meyer! By the way, Bram Stoker called. He says he's going to fuck your ass up as soon as he gets you for your crimes against intelligence. I'm just sayin'...

Anyway...

First of all, let's get one thing straight, ladies... You hate me because I hate "Twilight". That's OK. Really. I think you're retarded because you love "Twilight". Fair enough. Besides, I was always kind of a pig. You know, a MALE pig. A swine. Just ask some of my ex girlfriends, they'll tell you the same thing. But I'm cool with it. To be perfectly honest with you, I'm kind of proud of it...



Pictured above: me, according to my ex girlfriends.

So, that being said, we can all just breathe more easily and just get on towards the point of this article - vampire flicks and just how bad they became over the years.
So in order to prove my point I have decided to compare two most recent vampire flicks that came to my attention. I don't even want to acknowledge the existence of "Vampires: Los Muertos" or any other half successful vampire crap that came out after Coppola's masterpiece "Bram Stoker's Dracula" because they are fucking stupid, and an insult to every vampire up to this point.




Seriously, do you even need to compare these two in order to prove a point?!

No, the only two successful films in recent years were "Twilight" and a brand new "Lesbian vampire killers". So let's just stick to them...
First of all, let's take a look at our little festival of retardedness I like to call "Twilight hysteria". Millions upon millions of teenage girls crowding the theaters with their copy of "Twilight" book in their purses. A book that is about 400 pages long and contains nothing but Stephanie Meyer's masturbation fantasies. So what's so great about that movie?!

Well, let's try to find out...


Victim number 1: Twilight



First of all, the movie is about 2 hours long. And in those 2 hours you are stuck watching a retarded high school girl Bella drooling over a sparkle fairy called Edwin (or Edward, who gives a shit...). Now I'm not going to get all smart and start a tantrum about what kind of message that movie sends to all those idiot high school girls and stick with a more practical approach. In other words, I'll try to figure out just what the hell is so good about this movie that it should make you sit on your chair for 2 fucking hours.

Let's see... ah yes, the main story. A plot. A twist. A backbone of every movie ever, except porn. Well, here we have a "vampire love story". There's this retarded, semi-attractive girl named Bella who falls in love with a gay vampire named Edward. And that's it! That's the whole fucking plot! For the rest of the movie we get to watch them sparkle and play vampire baseball. We get a lot of sissy love scenes in which the two of them almost kiss, they go to dinner, they go to the prom... Just why would a 200-years-old vampire be interested in unattractive 16-year-old with the brains of a retarded sea sponge, survival instinct of a lemming, self-esteem of an old shoe, and countless daddy issues, the movie never bothers to explain.

The characters? Main heroes? Well, here they are...



Fuck. You. Stephanie. Meyer. Seriously.

Do I even need to mention horrible acting and some of the worst dialogue you ever heard since your 12-year-old sister tried to write a fan fiction?
For two. Fucking. Hours.
Seriously, no amount of tits and ass you could've grabbed afterwards is worth of all that torment.

Next, the villain... yes, every movie needs a good villain. And boy, do we have a villain here!



Scared? Neither was I. Maybe because the only time something actually happens in the movie is in the last 20 minutes. And it features this guy. And even then, he never actually DOES anything badass. Besides, he kind of looks more like a sissy, rather then some awesome and powerful bad guy. He reminds me of one of those hippie dudes who spend all their days lying on grass and writing bad poetry.


Final verdict?

If a number of "Twilight" fanatics is any indication, we really don't deserve to survive as a species.


Victim number 2: Lesbian vampire killers



Finally, something us GUYS can actually enjoy! OK, so let's start from the beginning. First of all, this movie is a comedy, pure and simple. A parody of not only vampire movies, but Hollywood teenage slasher flicks as well. Keep that in mind, since "Twilight" is supposed to be a "serious" movie about vampires.

Now ladies, I know what you're thinking... "Ewwww, that's such a typical male stuff, only naked boobs and violence, and none of the depth, seriousness or sensitivity of chick flicks."
And you're absolutely right. Hey, I'm not actually a redneck, I do have my share of sensitivity. We all know that because I used to listen to Nightwish and shit. But even I have to draw the line somewhere. Face it, your boyfriends hate about 90% of all the movies you like. Mostly because they're boring as fuck and make us want to puke. Just like me and "Twilight". We want to have fun while watching a movie. And our idea of fun isn't watching Meg Ryan and Hugh Grant kissing on screen for 90 fucking minutes. We want a good story, lots of violence, lots of boobs, hot girls, blood, sex and dick jokes. Do we get all that in "Twilight"? No. How about "Lesbian vampire killers"? Oh, FUCK YES!



I couldn't have said it better myself...

OK, so... the plotline of this awesome movie. Two guys decide to go hiking in a desperate attempt to have a decent vacation and maybe get some laid. One of them just got dumped, other one lost his job. Sad. So, they come across a small village where they find out about an ancient curse, and meet some hot chicks. Soon after they get settled in a small cottage, shit gets real and they are attacked by lesbian vampires. Stay classy, film makers!

As for the characters/heroes in this movie, well... they're so funny and likeable you just have to love them after only 2 minutes. Something "Twilight" desperately lacks. They are portrayed by great (not at all famous) actors, and have such great personalitites it is impossible not to laugh at their jokes.



Just look at them! They're fucking awesome!

And let's not forget other important characters...



Now compare these girls...



To these girls...

Exactly.

And let's not forget the villains either...






Drinking blood, banging hot chicks... it might seem strange to "Twilight" freaks, but that's kind of what the vampires do. What they always did. And we got none of that in "Twilight"...


Final verdict?

There's hope for vampire flicks yet. Besides, even if there isn't that doesn't change the fact that "Lesbian vampire killers" is one of the best movies ever.

World War 2 (according to Sven Hassel)

Don't you just love a good book?

I know I do. Especially when it's about sex, violence and blowing shit up with some badass firepower. So tell me this... is there anyone, and I mean ANYONE out there who is male, likes to read a good book, and DOESN'T love Sven Hassel? Didn't think so...

Just look at the covers! It's the ultimate men's book, especially in these harsh times of "Twilight", when each and every other book seems to be written specifically for 12-year-old girls.



As some of you might've guessed, I am a big Sven Hassel fan. And I mean REALLY big fan. I read "Wheels of Terror" when I was 12, and it's still one of my favorites. For those of you who still didn't read any of his books, please get into your car, drive to your local book shop as fast as you can, and buy at least 3 of his books. Don't worry about running over an old lady, she will understand. SHE READ SVEN HASSEL! In the meantime, let me give you a few hints about why exactly Sven Hassel stuff is the awesomest of the most awesome selection of awesome when it comes to books. And I'm talking about books from a book store that says "AWESOME ONLY" on it's door sign.

First of all, they're easy to read. Which makes them all the more fun right at the beginning. Unlike some fantasy books, or detective novels, Sven Hassel cuts right to the point, without any pointless crap such as "creating a fine atmosphere" by describing a pair of socks in 500 words. It's all about the characters, and what's going on around them. No point in describing the soldier's uniform, since we all know how the German soldier looked like back then. We've all seen "The Longest Day", for Christ's sake! It's the characters' personality that counts. And what characters they are, my friend! Believeable, charismatic and likeable. Next, we have a lots of fighting, lots of blood, lots of stuff getting blown up, lots of adrenaline, and lots of gruesome scenes. There's also a lot of profanities, lots of swearing, whoring, drinking, gambling... Hell, you have to love it! It's like a good action flick from the '90s... But then again, it's not really surprising either. I mean, just look at the guy!



This is the least cool picture of him I was able to find, so I guess that kind of speaks for itself...
Anyway, all those books were allegedly based on Hassel's real life experiences as a soldier. So that means a lot of characters are actually real people, who served alongside Hassel during the war. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, and I honestly couldn't give a shit either way. But I have to say, I find his books both fun AND educational at the same time. How is that possible, you may ask?

I consider myself a lot of things, but the one that kind of makes me proud of myself is my knowledge of history. Especially World War 2. In other words, I'm a history nerd...

And don't laugh!

Aaaaaanyways, as every good history geek, I was a bit surprised by Hassel's depiction of the most cataclysmic conflict in human history. No, really. It seemed a bit crazy at the beginning, but I actually learned a lot about the Second World War, as well as German soldiers in general. So get ready to have your minds blown off, my fellow history nerds, because you're about to get a history lesson from Sven Hassel!

So, let's get on with lesson number 1...


Lesson number 1:

The most elite units that German army had at it's disposal were the penal battalions. They could march for 2000 miles without any form of nutrition, except the occasional bottle of Vodka. The only times they actually ate something was when they had to show off for the readers, by getting drunk and eating like pigs. Also, they were extremely resilient to weather conditions. Where most people would lose a few toes due to the extreme below zero temperatures, the penal battalions got off just fine, without any health problems at all. They just kept fighting like Rambo on steroids after allegedly freezing to death for the last 20 pages.



Pictured above: The only nutrition that German penal battalions needed. Supplying them must've been really simple...


Lesson number 2:

Each and every soldier in the German army had a machine gun. Only few of them had submachine guns, and there were no rifles at all, except for the executions. They also carried about 50 hand grenades each, and were able to throw them at the distance of about 500 meters, busting bunkers, soldiers and tanks with them to smithereens. They were extremely skilled with flamethrowers, knives, shovels and rocks as well. They could throw knives at the distance of 200 meters, more or less, hitting a mosquito on their enemy's back. Even more, they seem to be able to transform all those vast amounts of Vodka into ammo, since they never had any troubles with ammo shortages. Maybe once or twice while they were in the tanks, but that was just a little bit of drama...


Lesson number 3:

The only tank penal battalions ever used was the Tiger 1. In fact, the only tank that the German army ever used during the war was Tiger 1. Surprising, eh? Those tanks were indestructible as well, and they were also used to ram the enemy tanks if out of ammo. You know, because of their superior speed, maneuverability, reliability...


Lesson number 4:

They were able to destroy each and every enemy tank with just one shot, wether it was by hitting them with their own tanks, grenades, bullets, flamethrowers, Molotov cocktails, rocks or their bare hands... Often standing right in front of a tank and waiting for it to get closer was the most successful strategy to blow it up. Even with a flamethrower. No, really. One of the characters once blew up a tank with only a flamethrower. The tank was destroyed in about 2 seconds. One shot, one kill. It was something like this...




Lesson number 5:

Penal battalions fought as both infantry AND tank crews. AND they were prison guards at their spare time. They were skilled mechanics and bomb disposal experts, just to keep that shit more interesting.


Lesson number 6:

Russian and American soldiers couldn't wait to abandon their comrades and get drunk with guys from the German penal battalions. Even if it means getting shot in the head afterwards.


Lesson number 7:

Hot women back then had nothing better to do then wait for some dirty grunt sentenced to service on the Eastern Front to come by, so they could have sex with him.


Lesson number 8:

Apparently, the only reason why Germany lost the war was because they couldn't find the secret to penal battalions' resilience to wounds. Each and every one of them was shot for about 100 times, had at least one chunk of his face blown off, and participated in more fist fights than Mike Tyson. And yet, they never seemed to show any sign of scars, or disfigurement. Hell, not even time spent at the hospital!


Lesson number 9:

Hassel's boys served in every corned of Europe, every front, every major battle, every battlefield. Yes, that indicates they could also run at about 500 miles per hour speed. Amazing! Their presence even made the air force unnecesarry whenever they showed up. Sending penal battalions to do the job was enough of an overkill, according to German high command.


Lesson number 10:

After careful studying, it has been revealed to me that this is what the average German soldier from Hassel's battalion looked like during the 1940s.



All the lessons above are courtesy of Sven Hassel.

The most scarring moments in Metal

You know, even today, when I'm in my mid 20s, I still love to hear a good, brutal guitar solo. Funny thing, isn't it? Even tough I stopped being a "typical" Metalhead a few years ago, I still can't resist the raw power and awesomeness of a great Metal band. Oh sure, I never really abandoned my Metaldom, but I expected I'll kind of lose interest in it after years and years of listening to Manowar and other shit I literally used to live for. A man can only take so much, you know... But no, turns out that once you're into Metal, it's impossible to get out! What goes Metal, stays Metal, my friend...



Just look at Mille getting batshit on his guitar! Damn, I used to live for this shit!

Anyway, after a while, I decided to browse through my old collection of CDs, video tapes, magazine articles, DVDs and totally legally ripped music on my computer in order to dig out some of my ol' favorites. And sure, I DID dig up some awesome albums, music videos and T-shirts that are mostly too old and washed-out to actually wear. But fuck it, I was proud of it! So what could be wrong with it, you may ask...

Well, as you probably already guessed, there was a lot that was wrong with it. A hell of a lot! As I sat down and watched some of the old music videos I adored, and listened to my once-favorite bands, I suddenly had a revelation... and not in a biblical way!
I behold, and I saw, and I heard...
And I said "What the FUCK?!?!"

I might not have noticed it before, since I was firmly under the belief that my favorite Metal bands simply CANNOT do any wrong. But some of them really fucked up big time! Be it with shitty music, cheap music videos or generally by acting like assholes, these bands fucked up my belief in Metal so hard I actually cannot believe I didn't stand up and yelled "Bullshit!" the first time I witnessed it.
And I actually payed money for that... that's the saddest part.
So I have decided to create yet another unsexy list. A list of my favorite Metal bands that fucked me up real good. I'll avoid easy targets like Metallica and their "St. Anger" and Napster fiasco, or Saxon bitching over who the REAL Saxon is, and go straight for the throat. Get ready to have your faith in the awesomeness of Metal destroyed forever!

Warning: This post contains scenes that some readers may find disturbing. In order to minimize the damage, as well as to counter these gruesome images, I have included pictures of boobs and butts near every vomit-inducing image that may occur.


You can thank me later. So, without further delay, here we go...


1.) Nightwish replacing Tarja with a girl that is... well, Tarja!

You might be wondering why it's such a tragedy that one band changed a singer. After all, bands do that all the time. And it's not like Tarja was irreplaceable. She wasn't even hot, for Christ's sake! The story goes, Tarja turned into a real douchebag. Hey, shit happens... There was a big unsexy fight, angry letters, lots of crying, lots of douchebaggery, but in the end, Tarja left Nightwish. So the boys decided enough is enough, and hired a new singer. And it turned out to be a bad decision. Why? Well, take a look at this picture...



That's Anette. Now look at the picture of Tarja.



Notice anything strange? Some strange similarities, perhaps? Like the same kind of dress, same long black hair (a typical Metal girl haircut, if I may add...), same kind of jewelry and decorations, same pale white skin, same "Metal princess" attitude...
That's right, they replaced Tarja with a girl that isn't Tarja, but looks like Tarja, acts like Tarja, performs like Tarja, dresses like Tarja and has the same hair as Tarja. A girl that is not really Tarja, but is enough of a Tarja to pass off as a Tarja.

Holy shit, I just felt I'm going dizzy from all this... Tarja. Quick, gotta cure this Tarja infection with some boobs!



OK. I'm fine now. Let's get back on topic. First of all, fellows, if you wan't to replace your singer with someone new, then it's probably not the best idea to replace her with a person that looks and feels exactly like her. It kind of makes the whole replacement thing pointless. Especially if the new singer is the lame version of a previous one. Now, I don't think Anette is a TERRIBLE singer. She is simply BAD. Compared to Tarja, of course... And Tarja's opera-singing voice was the thing that made Nightwish special. Without a voice like that, they simply sound lame. Because let's face it, their music is really not THAT good. Especially the guitars. But we'll talk about it later... Let's just keep to the point. And the point is...

Was it SO FUCKING HARD to find another opera chick?!?! Even a bad one would be better then this crap!!!! Not to mention the fact that they completely destroyed their music by letting their douchebag bass player sing instead of her...



You monster!!!!!! You killed Nightwish!!!!!


2.) Manowar making a music video for 20$.

OK, you may say whatever the hell you want about Manowar, but those guys have some kickass songs. I used to listen to their stuff a lot when I was in high school, and they were my favorite Metal band for a while. Even today I still enjoy their music, even tough they REALLY need to find something new to sing about. And I mean REALLY!
Be that as it may, they were one of the best Metal bands I ever heard, and will always stay that way. But...



Oh... my... god!!!! What the HELL was I thinking?!?! I must've had a different idea about what "awesome" meant back then! OK, they look disguisting but their music is still good! That MUST count for something! Oh no! Gonna puke! Quick! I need my medicine!





Shit, that was a close call! It took a triple dose of TNA to prevent me from puking this time. So, let us continue... After they released "Warriors of the world" album (or before they released it, who gives a shit anyway) they also released "Warriors of the world united" music video. And that was the thing that made me lose all interest in them. I didn't realize it at the time, but soon after I saw that music video, I stopped listening to Manowar altogether. What they're up to now, I honestly couldn't give a shit about. Only recently have I realized why - that video was apparently made for 20$. Seriously, for five minutes we get to watch these guys play their instruments in some abandoned stone mine, all in black-and-white footage, dressed up as the guys from "Blue Oyster". I paid more money for the fucking CD! I want to see something that will blow my mind off, not 4 guys playing a song with 5$ worth of pyrotechnics in the background! Other bands at least put enough effort to hire somebody that makes a bad CGI video for them. Manowar didn't even bother with that, they just took a camera and shot the whole video in about an hour. There's a reson why demo bands make these kinds of videos, and that's because they DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY! And I hate that lameass amateur crap! So I don't want to see my favorite band doing the same thing!
Go ahead, imagine looking at this for about 5 minutes...


That's it! That's the whole fucking video! Oh sure, they would say that it's all about pure, raw Metal, and none of that fake action flick crap, but I'm honestly not buying it! It's not just this one particular video, it's their each and every music video I saw after that. Just four guys on stage, a few shots of the audience, tight leather clothing, and maybe a few boobs (OK, I admit that last thing is kind of awesome). There can only be 2 possible reasons for this. 1- they don't want to bother with making a decent video, they just want to shoot the damn thing and get back to their beer. Or 2 - they're such a fucking cheapskates they don't want to spend their fans' money (face it, all of their money comes from US) on making a decent video. Better to spend it on beer and leather vests, right? Way to go on giving your fans their money's worth, guys!

Speaking of which, have you even looked at Joey's photos lately? Here's one for you...



Oh my God, I think I can see his nuts!
Honestly, does this old man remind you of someone? Someone like...



I was just about to say that...
Here's something to help you recover.




3.) Lost Horizon getting K.I.A. after two albums

Honestly, in my long years of Metal fandom, few things have rocked my world as hard as Lost Horizon. Even the old Metalheads (who are in their 50s by now) said that the only "modern" Metal band they truely admire is Lost Horizon. Their music, their lyrics, their vocals... it's simply awesome! Just look at them! LOOK AT THEM!!!




You can imagine how I felt after they released their second album. It was like Christmas coming twice! And with their bragging about changeing the world with their music, awakening the minds of people, leading everything to Metal Utopia, and returning to the roots of Metal awesomeness, it was a sacreliege to think Lost Horizon was anything other then true Metal salvation. But then something horrible happened...

Lost Horizon somehow got killed in action. Literally and metaphorically. For reasons they didn't even bother to share with their fans, they just split up. First Wojtek Lisicki, a guitarist, left the band, then Daniel Heiman left it, then Wojtek returned again, then... ah, who gives a shit! The point is, they all started to act like douchebags. After two fucking albums! But hey, shit happens... it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't decide to act like a bunch of spoiled schoolgirls.
After they turned catshit on each other and started bickering, they didn't even want to tell their fans why they're doing it. I was into Lost Horizon pretty much back then, and I overheard some people saying that Daniel Heiman, the lead singer, went to start a new band, and didn't even want to talk about why he left Lost Horizon. "Hater" mode ON.

Seriously, Daniel?! You don't want to FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT?!?! What are you, fucking Sultan of fucking Brunei, so everybody has to put up with your shit without even QUESTIONING it?! You left the band that stormed the Metal world like a hurricane, a band that many people consider an important aspect of their lives (as weird as it may sound). We want some EXPLANATION about why you guys are shoving all our support and faith into our asses, because let me remind you... It's the FANS that pay for your goddamn CDs, therefore paying YOU to do your fucking JOB of being a fucking Lost Horizon singer! You OWE us an explanation! Same goes for you, Wojtek... You're both acting like schoolgirls! What, did Daniel steal your boyfriend or some shit, so you're not BFFs anymore?!

OK, that being said, I can just turn my "Hater" mode OFF, and continue with my blogging. After all that, I lost all interest in Lost Horizon, and Metal in general. It took me a while to recover. Hey, don't laugh, this is serious stuff! Anyway, to keep the hate infection from spreading, here's something to lift your spirits up!




Enjoy it! I know I will...