So, be that as it may, let us first make a few things clear...The reason why I was so pissed off at Hollywood was simply because I had to see action films turning from this...
...into this.
Seriously, Hollywood?! Ben Affleck? Alicia Keys? Are you FUCKING KIDDING me?!?! What is this, an MTV music video?!
And "Smokin' Aces" is only one example of Hollywood's retardedness. Not only was their selection of actors simply horrible, the entire plot of the film is completely stupid. And I don't mean stupid in a cool way. Sure, there are a few cool scenes, but that's not enough, especially when the whole movie simply looks and feels like a music video. Or, better to say, a shitty attempt by faggy, coked-up MTV producers at being "gritty" and "edgy".
I mean, what would you say about an ugly black chick taking a Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle and saying "I'm a gonna bring out the Big Momma, yo!"... And she's saying it with the shittiest MTV black slang you can think of... In a fucking action movie! Sorry, Hollywood, but two sassy black girlfriends simply don't make a very cool badass hitmen.
Want more? How about this?
It's a big budget movie based on some real events that took place during the Crusades. With Orlando Bloom as a main hero. Orlando. Fucking. Bloom.
If that was, say, Dolph Lundgren instead of Bloom, it could've been a kickass movie. Seriously. Lundgren is a well-known action hero. He's tall, he's buffed, and he has that gritty, no-nonesense tough guy appearence. Which would be perfect for that movie, considering it's set in the most violent period of human history. A period where men simply HAD to be badass in order to survive, let alone lead the whole armies.
This is an action hero. Big, strong, deep macho voice, scary eyes, generally intimidating, not Orlando Bloom...
Take notes, Hollywood!
OK, I think you got the picture...
After all the movies mentioned above, it was really hard for me to believe I would ever see anything badass made by hollywood again. But I was wrong. Here are a few kickass, pants-shitting AWESOME action films that prove there is hope left for us. After all the comic book movies and sequels to comic book movies we had to put up with, there are cool action flicks to enjoy. Flicks like...
Terminator: Salvation
Oh, that's just what the world needs... another "Terminator" movie. Or at least that's what I tought. Don't get me wrong, I freakin' love "Terminator", but after the second film, things simply started to look rediculous. And to add insult to injury, we also got "Sarah Connor chronicles", a TV show that raped all my senses more then the new "Twilight" trailer. Seriously, after seeing only one episode of that crap, I ended up on the floor, my body unable to move due to the severe shock of seeing my childhood heroes turning into extras from "Dawson's Creek".
If the paramedics hadn't put "Rambo 3" on as soon as they realized what happened to me, I probably wouldn't be alive today.
So, thanks to those guys, I am able to tell you about "Terminator 4". If you know anything about the first 3 movies, then you know all about the entire franchise not making any goddamn sense. But let's say it does, and that the famous "Judgement Day" actually happened. Well, this is where the movie takes place. In the middle of a war between man and machine. Unfortunately, there's no Arnie this time, but at Least we got Christian Bale as John Connor. That's right, this guy... a freakin' Cleric Preston!
Think it's no big deal? Well, if "Sarah Connor Chronicles" hadn't been axed after only one season, we would've ended up with this guy...
Instead of a guy genetically engineered to fuck every woman on the planet, we could've ended up with some emo kid with daddy issues, crazy mom and robot girlfriend he can't even have sex with. So don't complain!
Besides, there's enough shit blowing up in this movie I'm surprised they didn't call it "Christian Bale: Blowing Shit Up". Which is exactly what we wanted but didn't get in the previous action movies we were fed up with after the '90s. The first time we see Bale in this movie is when he lands a freakin' helicopter on a killer robot's head and fires a burst of rounds into his skull.
Can you tell me how many bullet holes do you see on this picture? Of course not, that's because there's one in your head right now. You just don't know it yet. Christian Bale is such a badass even his picture can kill you. Edward Furlong tried to teach the Terminator how to love. Christian Bale shoots them in the fucking head.
I don't care how stupid the story is, there's enough badass action in this movie I'm willing to call bullshit on anyone who claims Bale is not tougher then an entire army of Jedi knights with miniguns. Every few seconds there's at least one big explosion, and I'm willing to bet my year's salary that the director had to do his job from a concrete bunker. Unfortunately, there's no nudity in this film, but who gives a damn? They fired more bullets then the entire Red Army in WW2, and that's pretty awesome shit. If this is where the "Terminator" franchise is going, then count me right in! But that's not the only movie I'm happy about.
There's also
Universal Soldier: Regeneration
Holy shit, NOW we're talking!
Have you seen the first "Universal Soldier"? Doesn't matter, this movie is gonna blow your mind anyway.
It takes place at Chernobyl, which is taken over by some evil terrorists and set to blow the fuck up in 36 hours. So in order to solve the crisis the U.S. and the Russians send in a squad of zombie Karate super soldiers armed with big ass guns.
This shit sounds so exciting I think I just peed a little. And when even that fails, they send in Van Damme.
The guy once ate a fucking rattlesnake! A real LIVE rattlesnake! What chance do you think YOU have?
Well, lucky for us, he's on our side.
After some enormously bloody scenes they pull him off of his rehabilitation program, give him some guns and... they simply let him loose on Chernobyl. There's a 5 minutes long, uninterrupted scene of Van Damme bursting into an enemy base and, with chunks of rattlesnake probably still in his mouth, killing a shitload of them. In the most gruesome and bloody way you could imagine.
There's so much blood in this movie I seriously doubt even 5000 human bodies could hold that much of it. Oh, and did I mention there's also Dolph Lundgren in this movie? And Andrei Arlovski? You know, that Russian MMA fighter, big as a truck, likes to eat bears for breakfast? This guy is so brutal, I don't even think he was acting, I think he was really punching those dudes in front of the cameras.
Seriously, can you even tell the difference?
I sure as hell can't...
This guy beats up people so badly that, if they survive by any chance, their grandchildren will be born with bruised heads and fractured limbs. You can just add "Making a fight scene with Andrei Arlovski" on the top of your "Worst jobs ever" list and call it a day. This movie was so great I didn't even mind skipping sex in order to see it. On a freakin' Valentine's day!
And the coolest thing yet? I can SMELL the sequel coming up. The ending scene made sure of that.
Rambo 4
The entire film is just Stallone cutting guys in half with knives, machine guns and his bare hands. There's enought blood to fill up 10 swimming pools, and more then enough guts to feed an entire nation. FOR TWO YEARS.
What, didn't you hear me? I said Stallone cutting dudes in half with a machine gun! I don't know about you, but I just had an orgasm...
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