I think we can all agree on one thing - Resident Evil 4 is one of the best games ever released! Seriously, what is there NOT to like about that game? Great atmosphere, tons of weapons, kickass gameplay, plenty of violence, badass main character and ZOMBIES. Holy shit, do we like zombies! OK, those things in Resident Evil 4 aren't EXACTLY zombies, but what the hell... they're slow, they're stupid, they come in packs, and they moan. Close enough. We got genuine zombies in Left 4 Dead and millions of other horror-themed video games and slasher movies. And we LOVE them!
Hell, I heard so much praise for Left 4 Dead when it was released, I tought it was Christmas coming twice! And let's not forget that episode of Fear Itself with a hot chunky Goth chick turning the whole town into zombies. We love zombies so much we are even willing to claim "28 Weeks Later" was a kickass movie, despite being completely retarded. Seriously, why do we like the damn zombies so much? And I don't mean "like" in a way that we want to make out with a corpse. Well, some Goth people probably do, but that's not the point.
Even tough, when you think about it...
Anyway, the point is, we all like to shoot zombies. We like to see some brains splattered, and by God, we like to feel good about ourselves when we get some pixel heads chopped off in the safety of our living rooms! I'm not gonna waste time analyzing WHY do we like it, because plenty of other people already analyzed that in detail. Let's just assume, for the sake of this argument that we love killing zombies because fuck you, that's why!
Even tough, seeing Tobey Maguire as a zombie is enough of a reson to blow him a new sunroof on top of his skull. And why we all secretly want a zombie apocalypse to actually happen. Hell, there are entire websites, blogs, forums and books out there dedicated to studying zombie biology, zombie survival strategies and generally everything self-proclaimed zombie experts think you should do in case zombies show up and decide to make a sandwich out of your guts.
OK, let's pretend that it's not all bullshit, and that zombies are not fictional monsters from movies and video games. Let's just say a zombie outbreak could actually happen. What chances do we have? And by "we" I mean us, regular young folks who spend most of their time playing zombie smasher video games, listening to music and thinking about grabbing some boobs in the near future.
When you really think about it, we don't stand a chance...
First of all, can you tell me where all your knowledge of zombies comes from? Hollywood flicks and video games, no doubt. Well, we all learned from action flicks and video games, come to think of it. And for some reason, we all think that thousands of hours spent playing Halo 2 and F.E.A.R. translates to thousands of hours of military training.
Pictured above: a recruitment poster for Navy SEALs.
In real life, thousand of hours spent playing Halo are no more then thousands of hours spent NOT DOING ANYTHING ELSE that might be even remotely useful to us in real life. Like lifting weights, jogging, practicing martial arts, or visiting a shooting range to boost up your marksmanship. In other words, we can't run, we can't shoot, and we probably wouldn't survive a sparring session with a bunny. Sure, you might say "But video games improve our reflexes. I read it in a magazine, or somewhere on the internet...". And I'll tell you right now it's a complete and utter bullshit.
Here's a proof...
One of my favorite hobbies is playing airsoft. For those of you who don't know anything about it, it's like paintball, only for men. You use real-life military equipment and electric rifles that look exactly like their real world counterparts. And you use small squad tactics and team work just like any other military unit.
First time I showed up to a fight, I tought I'd do well. After all, I saw plenty of documentaries about weapons, tactics and special forces. I beat Brothers In Arms: Road To Hill 30 on "Authentic", and I am a renowned Operation Flashpoint veteran. I KNEW I had to aim carefully, stick to cover, and flank the enemy whenever I get the chance. Just like we all KNOW we have to shoot zombies in the head.
I was mowed down in less then 5 minutes.
And it didn't get any better afterwards. I was "killed" about 20 times that very same morning, without scoring any hits of my own. So much for video games as a military training tool...
And there are a few good reasons for that.
First of all, if there's anything video games and movies are bad at, it's realism. In other words, Halo might be fun, but ultimately, it's a pile of bullshit.
Second, there is a hell of a difference between knowing how to do something in theory and trying to actually pull it off in real life. Things like ambushing your opponents, or flanking them is really hard. Despite how easy it seems in games such as Brothers In Arms. That's why real soldiers spend years practicing it. Not to mention the fact that "flanking" maneuver (that these games often teach you) is extremely risky and often reckless thing to pull off in real life. And it will probably result in you getting cut in half by a hail of bullets. Because Germans aren't stupid, despite what you might've learned from Call Of Duty. Especially when you don't have countless hours of actual military training to back it up.
And third, all the stuff that video games teach us about actual firearms is complete and utter crap.
According to Vietcong, this thing is extremely accurate up to 500 meters, can knock out an enemy even further away, has very little recoil, and a first round doesn't even need to be manually loaded after changing a clip. On the other hand, according to Brothers In Arms, it takes half of it's clip to kill an enemy that is standing two meters away of you. Apparently, American paratroopers in WW2 preferred rubber bullets. So, which one do you believe? Well, I think that just about sums all the useful information and skills we got from video games. Which is exactly zero.
Now that we understand how pressing buttons on keyboard or a gamepad will do exactly jack shit to improve your marksmanship and combat reflexes, let's take a look at our strategy.
No matter how peaceful and nice you are, when the shit really hits the fan, you need to pack a piece. Preferably a fully automatic piece. Or a shitload-of-buckshot piece. So, the first thing you do after chopping grandma's head off when she tries to eat you, is you get to the nearest gunstore and get yourself a bigger dick then the one nature gave you. Let's assume, for the sake of few good laughs, that you DO make it to the gunstore alive, and without your head blown off by a crazy motherfucker on the roof with a sniper rifle. Because, you know, owners of the gunstore are probably not gonna let you take all their stuff if you ask "pretty please". But let's say they do. How do you equip yourself?
If you're a true American gamer, you'll probably want to grab some kind of scoped M16 or M4 assault rifle as a "general purpose" weapon, a high-powered sniper rifle for those situations when you have to pick'em off from a distance, and a handgun, simply because it looks cool in your drop leg holster. Add to that a knife, a bottle of booze, and as much ammo as you can carry, and you're set! Off you go, Rambo!
Holy shit, you'll fall on your face after 10 minutes, and I don't mean by passing out after you realize how awesome you are.
First of all, have you ever tried carrying two rifles? You know, one in your hand, one on your back, like they do in video games? No? Well, if you did, you'd know it's not easy. You see, real guns are heavy. More so, sniper rifles and other "specialized" weapons are usually big, long and awkward to carry around. That's why you never see any real soldiers carrying 2 rifles around with them. Go ahead, put a bigass gun on your back, while at the same time carrying another in your hands, and navigate through a building, or even a goddamn park. Awkward, isn't it? That damn rifle is getting in the way! And since you're not a special forces officer, there's a good chance you'll get stuck in a doorway, or get entangled with a goddamn rose bush. Dammit, man, do you even know how co clean and maintain a gun properly?!
Yeah, that was a BRILLIANT idea, bringing a big ass high-caliber sniper rifle with you. You're THE MAN! Really, I wouldn't go that way.
In case you wanted to bring a machine gun, I have even worse news for you. Machine guns are generally heavy as fuck, and require a special training. So I wouldn't go that way either. That's exactly why each and every real army unit has specifically trained machine gunners and designated marksmen, or even snipers.
The fact that most gamers think using a machine gun means spraying hails of bullets while running sideways like a fucking retard speaks enough for itself. Thanks a lot , Half-Life!
Pictured above: also not a very bright idea.
Next, we have a little issue of ammo. In video games such as Grand Theft Auto, our badass characters are often carrying hundreds of rounds of ammo without even a backpack. We just assume they're pulling spare clips of armor-piercing 5.56 out of their asses. But anyway, since you're smart enough to know that's bullshit, you're perfectly prepared for that situation, by carrying a large backpack and baggy clothes with lots of pockets. You know, just like Leon in Resident Evil 4...
Oh, no, wait... he didn't have a backpack! But at least he had some pockets and an inventory we just assumed was a backpack that he had stashed in his ass.
On the other hand, if you have a kickass emo haircut such as this, and two hot chicks by your side, you're too much of a badass to carry a goddamn backpack! Anyway...
Even tough Leon is a highly-trained Secret Service officer with a Ph. D. in ass-kicking, even he couldn't carry all that junk by himself. And even if he did, just imagine what would happen once he had to change a clip in the middle of a zombie onslaught. He'd have to take off his backpack, dig up a spare clip, reload his gun, then put his backpack on again. Not a very practical thing to do when there's a fucking zombie 2 meters away from you. Yes, it turns out combat vests were invented for a reason... A very good reason, to store your ammo clips and other spare junk somewhere it won't get in the way and will be easily accessible.
So, you'll be needing this.
Well, so far we have established that we are good-for-nothing when it comes to firing a gun, completely ignorant when it comes to ANY real life military tactics, and that we know shit about proper equipment and firearms. Add to that our non-existing stamina and completely misguided strategy of survival. So what else is there to make sure we don't last five minutes in an average Left 4 Dead scenario?
Most of all, our idiotic "shoot them in the head" philosophy. Just think about it... headshots are cool and bring extra score points in video games. Sometimes they're even treated with a kickass slow motion sequence of a bullet blowing your enemy's skullcap off (Sniper Elite, anyone?). Why is that? Well, because they're so damn hard to pull off in real life, that's why! You have to aim carefully, mind your stance and timing, mind the recoil of the weapon and squeeze the trigger properly. And not only that none of us knows jack shit about sniping, most of us don't even know where the safety release is located on most weapons.
No, what we need is a gooddamn AK-47 which is fully automatic, reliable, and idiot proof to operate. And packs a big punch. Take a few clips of ammo, and whenever you see a group of brain eaters, just spray a hail of bullets at their waist level to slow them down and get the fuck out of there! You can worry about looking like a badass later. Seriously, you don't even need accuracy, just shoot and scoop! It doesn't matter if the brain eaters are slow and moaning (Resident Evil 1, 2, 3, 4), or faster then Speedy Gonzales (28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Dawn Of The Dead). They never show up alone. They come in numbers. Big, huge numbers. And I'm talking dozens, sometimes even hundreds. So making headshots for extra points is probably not a very good idea.
I know it doesn't look like much, but boy does it hurt to stand in front of one while it's discharging! Even if you're a zombie!
And just in case you're wondering - Milla Jovovich, with her roundhouse kicks also wouldn't do much good against such an onslaught, so forget about yelling "Kyaaaah!" while slapping a monster with a karate chop. Even if it worked in "Karate Kid", it will only give zombies a good laugh before they tear you to pieces.
Yeah, when I REALLY think about it, she's deffinitely not the first person I'd ask for advice in case flesh eaters attack. Besides, that movie sucks! Sleep well, zombie survivalists!
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