Life really is a bitch. And a big, fat one at that.
I was just enjoying my time today, surfing the web, looking for some information on the game I just purchased, downloading porn, playing "Band of heroes"... You know, the usual. And the game I just got was Hired Guns: The Jagged Edge, a Jagged Alliance rip-off that came out not so long ago. I actually knew the game was just a piece of shit, but a friend of mine told me he got some new patch that was supposed to fix all the big issues that plagued the game. So I decided to give it a try. And while doing so, I ran into a little piece of information that almost gave me a freakin' heart attack - Jagged Alliance 3 was cancelled!
OK, I know it sounds stupid, but I'm not really a geek that spends 25 hours a day online, so you can't expect me to be up to date on every little detail about video games. You knew Jagged Alliance 3 was cancelled because you read every post on the internet. I didn't because I'm a lazy asshole. You'll just have to forgive me this one. Anyway...
The reason why I'm telling all this is simple... it made me think! No, seriously. It also made me realize something important. Turn-based strategies are cursed. And I don't mean cursed in the good, Indiana Jones way. No, because that would be kind of awesome. It would probably mean that if you touch Silent Storm, you will be stricken by an ancient Mesopotamian blood curse. Which would force you to travel to Nepal in search of some ancient tome of power, or some shit to get rid of the curse. By fighting Kung-Fu monks and stealing artifacts from the Nazis.
You know, like Indiana did. Now tell me that wouldn't be freakin' awesome! I dare you!
No, my friend, the curse that befell tactical turn-based strategy games is a lot more simple, and a lot more lame. It's not really ancient Egyptian mummy curse. It's more like common human stupidity curse. In other words, every turn-based strategy game after Jagged Alliance 2 simply sucked.
AND THAT'S SOME FUCKED UP CURSE FOR YOU RIGHT THERE!!!!
Pictured above: a human stupidity curse at it's finest.
And that's actually one of the good, successful strategy games that wants to be the new Jagged Alliance. That's right. A dumbed down, cartoonish squad-based game with exactly zero strategy at it's core gameplay is the finest representative of the great legacy of Jagged Alliance creators.
Now I'm not saying Silent Storm is a bad game. It's kind of cool, and fun for a while, until you get bored with repetitive gameplay and the way you luck your way out of every mission. It's simply too shallow and lacks a hell of a lot of features that would make it a really great game. Like strategy, tactics, complex unit management, logistics... Silent Storm never makes you think before you act, never makes you squeeze the last drop of skill from your characters in order to beat your enemies, and often rewards simple wishful thinking and luck. Not a very TACTICAL approach, at least for a TACTICAL game. And it gets worse.
It's sequel, Sentinels, on the other hand, is taking the main concept to the new extremes. In other words, making the game so damn hard and frustrating it will make you hurl your keyboard into the wall. And not by making your enemies smarter, or tuning the gameplay a little so it would force you to take proper cover, manage your action points, and think more carefully about sending your squad into a firefight where they'll be outgunned and outnumbered. Once again, you luck your way through missions, but this time you do it by fighting enemies that take 6 rounds in the head, point blank range, before dropping down. And you're doing it with a toy gun and a few firecrackers. Way to go, guys! THAT should make the game more appealing!
Words cannot express the rage I felt after 10 minutes with this game.
Also, it has the worst fucking box cover I've ever seen!
So it just made me think... what the hell happened to tactical turn-based games?! Over the years, not only have they become as scarce as polar bears on tropical islands, they also came out filled with bugs, flaws and seriously bad concept. Also, they were dumbed down more then vampire stories. How the fuck did that happen?!?!
Keep in mind that we're not talking about brick-shitting complicated tank sims, or annoying puzzle games that all the parents wish their children would play instead of Gears Of War 2. We're talking about a goddamn turn-based strategy! A genre that was pretty much common a few years ago. Nowadays, not only that there are practically NO such games available, but the ones that we have are mostly shit-eating bad. So why the hell won't they:
1.) Create or release any turn-based strategies?
2.) Make the ones they DO release at least half-decent instead of simply plain horrible?
I know very well that video games turned into a mainstream entertainment these days, and that all the video game companies only want to make a quick buck with their half-finished crap. I know that most people today are too stupid and too lazy to actually start up their brains, and are more comfortable with dumbass "just let me blow shit up" concept of GTA and Call Of Duty series. And as fun as those games are, they're not really something that would make me play them for months. Enjoying every little victory, leaving my computer with a pleasant smile on my face after I realize I just accomplished something, taking days to actually learn how to play, developing my unique tactics... We don't get that with Call Of Duty. I played Call Of Duty 1, 2, 3 and 4, beat each of them in one afternoon, and then forgot I ever owned them. I play Jagged Alliance 2 for about a year now. And I still enjoy it.
So how the hell did this happen? It's not like some new Jagged Alliance-style game wouldn't sell. Hell, it would sell like cold beer in Sahara! People are constantly whining about the lack of good turn-based games on the market. And most of them would give up their reproductive organs just for a chance to play modern turn-based game that is as good as the classic X-Com, UFO or Jagged Alliance titles. So what the hell are all those video game programmers waiting for?!?!?!
Maybe a hot chick like this one, busting through their door, threatening to sex them to death if they start working on a new X-Com clone? Yeah, I'd like that too, but that's highly unlikely to happen. Either because...
1.) That hot chick with Steyr AUG A1 would very much like to bang me to death as a reward for doing my fucking job, but despite all her efforts, she just can't seem to find me.
Or simply...
2.) THAT'S NOT HOW THAT SHIT WORKS IN REAL LIFE!!!!!
Is it because it wouldn't sell as much as, say, Ghost Recon? Not really, there are plenty of Jagged Alliance/X-Com fans that would love to get their hands on such a game. Is it because it would be impossible to implement all those tiny details into one game? Extent knowledge of firearms, small squad tactics, real world military equipment (instead of beam lasers and Tesla coil guns we are so fucking fed up with), destructible environments, cover spots... Again, the answer is no. Jagged Alliance 2 did all that more then 10 years ago, and it's selling like crazy even today.
So instead of cool X-Com sequels, we have a bunch of half-baked, busted, broken and buggy crap. I'm looking at you, Hired Guns! You might be the only Jagged Alliance sequel out there, but that doesn't change the fact that your creators released you a year too early. Not to mention some retarded concepts that make you almost unplayable. So you better PRAY TO GOD your latest patch can fix all that. But hey, at least you got released...
OK, so let's just say we can actually forgive those games for being a stinking pile of shit sandwiches. Assuming, of course, that all those games eventually DO get fixed with countless patches and updates. To be perfectly honest, Jagged Alliance 2 also took a hell of a lot of patching in order to become the best game ever. I can even understand it. After all, those games strive to be as realistic as possible, so you have to do a lot of research and balance a shitload of details in order to please the crowd. It's a hard work, and even the biggest military enthusiast can overlook many details. You're computer programmers after all, not Navy SEALs...
So for the love of God, don't pull the plug on every cool game you're working on! Release it, if the publishers are absolutely demanding it, and if need be suffer some bad reviews and pissy blog posts. After the initial storm, patch the shit out of the game and watch as the crowd goes wild on the message boards about "a kickass new patch that fixes all the game's cock-ups" and watch the sales skyrocket. Take all the time you need. We'll wait. After one more year, release some kind of GOLD fully-patched collector's edition version of your game and you're set. Just don't cancel any more great strategy games in order to please the average Wii owner...
Not everyone wants to play your fucking Mario Flowers crap for 8-year-olds, you monster!
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