World War 3 according to Operation Flashpoint

At ease, soldier!

As some of you might've noticed, two most overused themes on this blog are music (Heavy Metal to be precise) and video games. The reason for that is very simple, really. Music and video games are my all-time favorites. I love those things as much as I love my own genitals, and no girlfriend so far has been able to persuade me otherwise, let alone make me abandon it for the sake of cuddling and watching "Dirty Dancing" every weekend. For some reason, chicks dig that movie A LOT...

Never the less, the main reason for those things to be mentioned on my blog so often is because, like everything else, it turned into a messed-up clusterfuck over the time. Is it because I'm getting older and lamer, or because development companies are run by retards, I honestly can't tell.

And of course, as everyone, I do have my favorites in those two categories. Music aside, let's just focus on video games this time. After years of gaming experience, I can honestly say my favorite game of all time is Operation Flashpoint.



Yes, even tough it looked like this.
So what exactly makes me write about Operation Flashpoint, and what exactly makes me think it is bullshit for most part? Because let's face it, there aren't many awesome things analyzed in detail on this blog...

OK, so here's the premise... Operation Flashpoint is a military sim set at the peak of the Cold War, during 1980s. 1985, to be precise, shortly before the fall of The Berlin Wall and dissolving of the Soviet Union. For some reason, the Russians decided to attack some middle-of-nowhere, piece-of-shit fictional republic the size of one small island. Just how would that strengthen the Soviet Union, I honestly can't tell. So, as a good and honorable U.S. soldier, it is your job to kick the Commies back to Red Square and teach them never to mess with freedom, democracy and McDonald's ever again. Sounds plausible, right? Well, as much plausible as "Red Dawn", but never mind that...

The point is, we have the setting, we have the coolest guns available, and we have the best recruitment commercial for U.S. Army you ever saw. And we have the villains that are politically correct to slaughter. Yippy-kai-ayyyyeeee!!!!!! Cold War is awesome again!!!!!



Just look at those evil Communist ugly mugs, standing there smiling and all! Somebody ought to teach them a lesson! And that guy even has John-Lennon-style sunglasses! Holy cow, not only are they evil Communists, they are also hippies! Time for a lead injection, cocksuckers!!!!!

But that's not all, just look at the asshole leading them!



His name is General Alexei Sergeievich Guba. And no, General is not his military rank, it's his goddamn name! Why? Because he's the evil villain, that's why! He even has a Ukranian mistress! Among soldiers and Gulag prisoners he is also known as "The Dentist". Apparently, not even the U.S. Special Forces know how he got that nick name, but it sure sounds scary. If he reminds you of an average James Bond villain, that's because he is.
He's the western stereotype of a Soviet general, leading the western stereotype of a Soviet army in a game that is supposed to be "realistic". Good job, guys!

So far so good, right? What could be wrong with this game? After all, it tries to simulate an actual modern battlefield. Why am I being such a misguided cockweasel?

Well, the entire reputation of this game is built around "realism". There are even rumors of U.S. Army using it as a training tool. Which may sound plausible after you beat the first few missions. You play the entire game from a first person perspective. You can run, crouch, go prone, shoot, reload, aim down your iron sights, and one bullet in the right place can end it all for you. Hey, not bad! After countless games where you jumped around like a goddamn monkey with a machine gun, spraying bullets through a tiny white cross in the middle of your monitor screen, this was quite a refreshment!

Yeah, after beating the first mission, I really felt like I could just pick up an M16 and go shoot me some Russians. It all sounds plausible, despite the graphics that was horrible even for 2001 standards. But here's the problem...



The entire game takes place on a fictional island that awfully reminds me of stereotypical English and New Zealand landscape, with it's forests and green meadows. The problem is, it works and feels like a goddamn desert. How? Well, look at the picture above! Take away the fence and the benches, and you're left with a flat green surface for miles around you. No vegetation. No bushes. No trees. No walls. Just a green desert all around you. Forget about cover, my boy... Which means that taking cover and moving carefully is not really an option, expect when you're crawling on your belly in plain sight. Something your average real-life C.O. wouldn't recommend.

So basically, despite the fancy aiming and movement, we're left with a goddamn run-and-gun shooter. OK, you can take cover in the forest, but that doesn't help much to boost up the realism... or DOES it?

Maybe I'm forgetting about one crucial detail in all this mess. And that is the U.S. soldiers are goddamn SUPERMEN! And we're talking about regular troops here, if they sent the Marines, the war would probably be over in two days. One day to slaughter the enemies. One day to yell "Hurrah!" and drink all the gasoline from the Russian tanks they destroyed. With their fists. Because, according to video games prior to Brothers In Arms and Gears Of War, taking cover is for pussies. Real men stand on tip of their toes in a firefight and get shit DONE with a hail of 5.56 mm slugs.



What do you think he would do if faced with an onslaught of Russian tanks? Found some cover and called for backup? Maybe if he was a sissy. But he's not. He's THE MARINE.
So we have a Bond villain leading the Soviet troops, a real American hero as a main character, lots and lots of guns... what am I complaining about? Well, how about a lack of teamwork?

You may think that Operation Flashpoint has plenty of teamwork involved. And you may be right. From mission 1 you are working as a part of your squad, and later on you even get a squad of your own to command. That's some macho stuff for you right there, leading a squad of U.S. soldiers that are only one step away from being the MARINES and two steps away from being GODS. Well, at least until you see them running into a tree, face first...

Call me old-fashioned, but I always tought working as a team meant covering each other and moving carefully from cover to cover. In this game, however, all the commands you can give to your squad are mostly about changing their formation (won't help you a bit in a firefight, but boy does it make you look cool), and getting into a vehicle. It never occurs to them to stup running around like retards, and find some cover. And then pop a few shots at the enemy, maybe cover each other as they move... Again, I might be a bit misguided. Since we already established that they are goddamn MEN, not some cover-seeking amateurs.



You see, this is the wrong way to do it... Cowering behind a brick wall, taking potshots, assisting your mates by providing covering fire...

And here's the right way to do it!



Hell yeah! Running shoulder-to-shoulder with you mates through an unknown, possibly enemy-occupied village while carrying a true American M16 and looking like a total BADASS.

If you are, by some chance, a gritty Operation Flashpoint veteran, you might notice that some missions take place during heavy rain. It only makes me wonder... How come your guns never jam? No, seriously... there you are, carrying an M16 through mud and rain, crawling on your belly with it, and it never fucking jams! All my life I was lead to believe that M16 was nothing short of awesome, and then all of a sudden, I learn that it is extremely unreliable in real life, which cost many lives. I was ready to call it a day and pick myself an AK, but then... here comes Operation Flashpoint! And it turns out that yes, M16 truely IS the best weapon ever made! Accurate, reliable, lethal and easy to use! We all know this because Operation Flashpoint is, you know, realistic...



Hell yeah, a rifle that won the World War 3!

Also, your tanks never break down, helicopters never crash, trucks never get bogged down in the mud, and generally all of your equipment is working properly all the time. Really, maybe I should've named this article "My misguided views on how World War 3 would've been fought"...

One of the things that also stunned me in this game is how desolate and abandoned the world looks. It doesn't matter if you're moving through a village or the capital city, there's never any civilians around. You can drop a nuke and it still wouldn't be considered a war crime, since there were no innocents hurt in the process. Holy shit, I tought war was tough on the civilians! Turns out they're never put in harm's way. Ever! Because none of those people care about their properties and their houses, they just moved away safely and let the Russians take it. OK, in Operation Flashpoint: Resistance we sometimes see a village populated by 5 people. But they're mostly there for the sake of mission objectives.

Oh, and just in case you're wondering... the whole mess broke out when a renegade villain general (described above) decided to "fuck it all" and just led thousands of soldiers, along with tanks, air force and Spetsnaz units to destroy one tiny democratic republic. Without any involvment from Moscow! At all! According to colonel Blake, leader of the good guys in this game, they're "so far from the central command in Moscow we're not even sure who are they taking orders from". That's right. They were operating on their own behalf all the time, without any knowledge or involvement from central command in Moscow.
The Soviet Union never noticed their army invaded a godamn country. Apparently, all the communications in the Red Army was done by carrier pigeons. So my fan fiction scenario of carrier pigeons fucking things up by delivering wrong messages to general Guba seems plausible after all.



You incompetent asshole!

Reasons why none of us would survive a zombie outbreak

I think we can all agree on one thing - Resident Evil 4 is one of the best games ever released! Seriously, what is there NOT to like about that game? Great atmosphere, tons of weapons, kickass gameplay, plenty of violence, badass main character and ZOMBIES. Holy shit, do we like zombies! OK, those things in Resident Evil 4 aren't EXACTLY zombies, but what the hell... they're slow, they're stupid, they come in packs, and they moan. Close enough. We got genuine zombies in Left 4 Dead and millions of other horror-themed video games and slasher movies. And we LOVE them!
Hell, I heard so much praise for Left 4 Dead when it was released, I tought it was Christmas coming twice! And let's not forget that episode of Fear Itself with a hot chunky Goth chick turning the whole town into zombies. We love zombies so much we are even willing to claim "28 Weeks Later" was a kickass movie, despite being completely retarded. Seriously, why do we like the damn zombies so much? And I don't mean "like" in a way that we want to make out with a corpse. Well, some Goth people probably do, but that's not the point.



Even tough, when you think about it...

Anyway, the point is, we all like to shoot zombies. We like to see some brains splattered, and by God, we like to feel good about ourselves when we get some pixel heads chopped off in the safety of our living rooms! I'm not gonna waste time analyzing WHY do we like it, because plenty of other people already analyzed that in detail. Let's just assume, for the sake of this argument that we love killing zombies because fuck you, that's why!



Even tough, seeing Tobey Maguire as a zombie is enough of a reson to blow him a new sunroof on top of his skull. And why we all secretly want a zombie apocalypse to actually happen. Hell, there are entire websites, blogs, forums and books out there dedicated to studying zombie biology, zombie survival strategies and generally everything self-proclaimed zombie experts think you should do in case zombies show up and decide to make a sandwich out of your guts.
OK, let's pretend that it's not all bullshit, and that zombies are not fictional monsters from movies and video games. Let's just say a zombie outbreak could actually happen. What chances do we have? And by "we" I mean us, regular young folks who spend most of their time playing zombie smasher video games, listening to music and thinking about grabbing some boobs in the near future.

When you really think about it, we don't stand a chance...



First of all, can you tell me where all your knowledge of zombies comes from? Hollywood flicks and video games, no doubt. Well, we all learned from action flicks and video games, come to think of it. And for some reason, we all think that thousands of hours spent playing Halo 2 and F.E.A.R. translates to thousands of hours of military training.



Pictured above: a recruitment poster for Navy SEALs.

In real life, thousand of hours spent playing Halo are no more then thousands of hours spent NOT DOING ANYTHING ELSE that might be even remotely useful to us in real life. Like lifting weights, jogging, practicing martial arts, or visiting a shooting range to boost up your marksmanship. In other words, we can't run, we can't shoot, and we probably wouldn't survive a sparring session with a bunny. Sure, you might say "But video games improve our reflexes. I read it in a magazine, or somewhere on the internet...". And I'll tell you right now it's a complete and utter bullshit.
Here's a proof...

One of my favorite hobbies is playing airsoft. For those of you who don't know anything about it, it's like paintball, only for men. You use real-life military equipment and electric rifles that look exactly like their real world counterparts. And you use small squad tactics and team work just like any other military unit.



First time I showed up to a fight, I tought I'd do well. After all, I saw plenty of documentaries about weapons, tactics and special forces. I beat Brothers In Arms: Road To Hill 30 on "Authentic", and I am a renowned Operation Flashpoint veteran. I KNEW I had to aim carefully, stick to cover, and flank the enemy whenever I get the chance. Just like we all KNOW we have to shoot zombies in the head.

I was mowed down in less then 5 minutes.
And it didn't get any better afterwards. I was "killed" about 20 times that very same morning, without scoring any hits of my own. So much for video games as a military training tool...

And there are a few good reasons for that.
First of all, if there's anything video games and movies are bad at, it's realism. In other words, Halo might be fun, but ultimately, it's a pile of bullshit.

Second, there is a hell of a difference between knowing how to do something in theory and trying to actually pull it off in real life. Things like ambushing your opponents, or flanking them is really hard. Despite how easy it seems in games such as Brothers In Arms. That's why real soldiers spend years practicing it. Not to mention the fact that "flanking" maneuver (that these games often teach you) is extremely risky and often reckless thing to pull off in real life. And it will probably result in you getting cut in half by a hail of bullets. Because Germans aren't stupid, despite what you might've learned from Call Of Duty. Especially when you don't have countless hours of actual military training to back it up.

And third, all the stuff that video games teach us about actual firearms is complete and utter crap.



According to Vietcong, this thing is extremely accurate up to 500 meters, can knock out an enemy even further away, has very little recoil, and a first round doesn't even need to be manually loaded after changing a clip. On the other hand, according to Brothers In Arms, it takes half of it's clip to kill an enemy that is standing two meters away of you. Apparently, American paratroopers in WW2 preferred rubber bullets. So, which one do you believe? Well, I think that just about sums all the useful information and skills we got from video games. Which is exactly zero.

Now that we understand how pressing buttons on keyboard or a gamepad will do exactly jack shit to improve your marksmanship and combat reflexes, let's take a look at our strategy.



No matter how peaceful and nice you are, when the shit really hits the fan, you need to pack a piece. Preferably a fully automatic piece. Or a shitload-of-buckshot piece. So, the first thing you do after chopping grandma's head off when she tries to eat you, is you get to the nearest gunstore and get yourself a bigger dick then the one nature gave you. Let's assume, for the sake of few good laughs, that you DO make it to the gunstore alive, and without your head blown off by a crazy motherfucker on the roof with a sniper rifle. Because, you know, owners of the gunstore are probably not gonna let you take all their stuff if you ask "pretty please". But let's say they do. How do you equip yourself?



If you're a true American gamer, you'll probably want to grab some kind of scoped M16 or M4 assault rifle as a "general purpose" weapon, a high-powered sniper rifle for those situations when you have to pick'em off from a distance, and a handgun, simply because it looks cool in your drop leg holster. Add to that a knife, a bottle of booze, and as much ammo as you can carry, and you're set! Off you go, Rambo!

Holy shit, you'll fall on your face after 10 minutes, and I don't mean by passing out after you realize how awesome you are.
First of all, have you ever tried carrying two rifles? You know, one in your hand, one on your back, like they do in video games? No? Well, if you did, you'd know it's not easy. You see, real guns are heavy. More so, sniper rifles and other "specialized" weapons are usually big, long and awkward to carry around. That's why you never see any real soldiers carrying 2 rifles around with them. Go ahead, put a bigass gun on your back, while at the same time carrying another in your hands, and navigate through a building, or even a goddamn park. Awkward, isn't it? That damn rifle is getting in the way! And since you're not a special forces officer, there's a good chance you'll get stuck in a doorway, or get entangled with a goddamn rose bush. Dammit, man, do you even know how co clean and maintain a gun properly?!



Yeah, that was a BRILLIANT idea, bringing a big ass high-caliber sniper rifle with you. You're THE MAN! Really, I wouldn't go that way.
In case you wanted to bring a machine gun, I have even worse news for you. Machine guns are generally heavy as fuck, and require a special training. So I wouldn't go that way either. That's exactly why each and every real army unit has specifically trained machine gunners and designated marksmen, or even snipers.
The fact that most gamers think using a machine gun means spraying hails of bullets while running sideways like a fucking retard speaks enough for itself. Thanks a lot , Half-Life!



Pictured above: also not a very bright idea.

Next, we have a little issue of ammo. In video games such as Grand Theft Auto, our badass characters are often carrying hundreds of rounds of ammo without even a backpack. We just assume they're pulling spare clips of armor-piercing 5.56 out of their asses. But anyway, since you're smart enough to know that's bullshit, you're perfectly prepared for that situation, by carrying a large backpack and baggy clothes with lots of pockets. You know, just like Leon in Resident Evil 4...

Oh, no, wait... he didn't have a backpack! But at least he had some pockets and an inventory we just assumed was a backpack that he had stashed in his ass.



On the other hand, if you have a kickass emo haircut such as this, and two hot chicks by your side, you're too much of a badass to carry a goddamn backpack! Anyway...

Even tough Leon is a highly-trained Secret Service officer with a Ph. D. in ass-kicking, even he couldn't carry all that junk by himself. And even if he did, just imagine what would happen once he had to change a clip in the middle of a zombie onslaught. He'd have to take off his backpack, dig up a spare clip, reload his gun, then put his backpack on again. Not a very practical thing to do when there's a fucking zombie 2 meters away from you. Yes, it turns out combat vests were invented for a reason... A very good reason, to store your ammo clips and other spare junk somewhere it won't get in the way and will be easily accessible.



So, you'll be needing this.

Well, so far we have established that we are good-for-nothing when it comes to firing a gun, completely ignorant when it comes to ANY real life military tactics, and that we know shit about proper equipment and firearms. Add to that our non-existing stamina and completely misguided strategy of survival. So what else is there to make sure we don't last five minutes in an average Left 4 Dead scenario?

Most of all, our idiotic "shoot them in the head" philosophy. Just think about it... headshots are cool and bring extra score points in video games. Sometimes they're even treated with a kickass slow motion sequence of a bullet blowing your enemy's skullcap off (Sniper Elite, anyone?). Why is that? Well, because they're so damn hard to pull off in real life, that's why! You have to aim carefully, mind your stance and timing, mind the recoil of the weapon and squeeze the trigger properly. And not only that none of us knows jack shit about sniping, most of us don't even know where the safety release is located on most weapons.

No, what we need is a gooddamn AK-47 which is fully automatic, reliable, and idiot proof to operate. And packs a big punch. Take a few clips of ammo, and whenever you see a group of brain eaters, just spray a hail of bullets at their waist level to slow them down and get the fuck out of there! You can worry about looking like a badass later. Seriously, you don't even need accuracy, just shoot and scoop! It doesn't matter if the brain eaters are slow and moaning (Resident Evil 1, 2, 3, 4), or faster then Speedy Gonzales (28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Dawn Of The Dead). They never show up alone. They come in numbers. Big, huge numbers. And I'm talking dozens, sometimes even hundreds. So making headshots for extra points is probably not a very good idea.



I know it doesn't look like much, but boy does it hurt to stand in front of one while it's discharging! Even if you're a zombie!

And just in case you're wondering - Milla Jovovich, with her roundhouse kicks also wouldn't do much good against such an onslaught, so forget about yelling "Kyaaaah!" while slapping a monster with a karate chop. Even if it worked in "Karate Kid", it will only give zombies a good laugh before they tear you to pieces.



Yeah, when I REALLY think about it, she's deffinitely not the first person I'd ask for advice in case flesh eaters attack. Besides, that movie sucks! Sleep well, zombie survivalists!

The curse of turn-based strategy games

Life really is a bitch. And a big, fat one at that.

I was just enjoying my time today, surfing the web, looking for some information on the game I just purchased, downloading porn, playing "Band of heroes"... You know, the usual. And the game I just got was Hired Guns: The Jagged Edge, a Jagged Alliance rip-off that came out not so long ago. I actually knew the game was just a piece of shit, but a friend of mine told me he got some new patch that was supposed to fix all the big issues that plagued the game. So I decided to give it a try. And while doing so, I ran into a little piece of information that almost gave me a freakin' heart attack - Jagged Alliance 3 was cancelled!

OK, I know it sounds stupid, but I'm not really a geek that spends 25 hours a day online, so you can't expect me to be up to date on every little detail about video games. You knew Jagged Alliance 3 was cancelled because you read every post on the internet. I didn't because I'm a lazy asshole. You'll just have to forgive me this one. Anyway...

The reason why I'm telling all this is simple... it made me think! No, seriously. It also made me realize something important. Turn-based strategies are cursed. And I don't mean cursed in the good, Indiana Jones way. No, because that would be kind of awesome. It would probably mean that if you touch Silent Storm, you will be stricken by an ancient Mesopotamian blood curse. Which would force you to travel to Nepal in search of some ancient tome of power, or some shit to get rid of the curse. By fighting Kung-Fu monks and stealing artifacts from the Nazis.



You know, like Indiana did. Now tell me that wouldn't be freakin' awesome! I dare you!
No, my friend, the curse that befell tactical turn-based strategy games is a lot more simple, and a lot more lame. It's not really ancient Egyptian mummy curse. It's more like common human stupidity curse. In other words, every turn-based strategy game after Jagged Alliance 2 simply sucked.

AND THAT'S SOME FUCKED UP CURSE FOR YOU RIGHT THERE!!!!



Pictured above: a human stupidity curse at it's finest.

And that's actually one of the good, successful strategy games that wants to be the new Jagged Alliance. That's right. A dumbed down, cartoonish squad-based game with exactly zero strategy at it's core gameplay is the finest representative of the great legacy of Jagged Alliance creators.
Now I'm not saying Silent Storm is a bad game. It's kind of cool, and fun for a while, until you get bored with repetitive gameplay and the way you luck your way out of every mission. It's simply too shallow and lacks a hell of a lot of features that would make it a really great game. Like strategy, tactics, complex unit management, logistics... Silent Storm never makes you think before you act, never makes you squeeze the last drop of skill from your characters in order to beat your enemies, and often rewards simple wishful thinking and luck. Not a very TACTICAL approach, at least for a TACTICAL game. And it gets worse.
It's sequel, Sentinels, on the other hand, is taking the main concept to the new extremes. In other words, making the game so damn hard and frustrating it will make you hurl your keyboard into the wall. And not by making your enemies smarter, or tuning the gameplay a little so it would force you to take proper cover, manage your action points, and think more carefully about sending your squad into a firefight where they'll be outgunned and outnumbered. Once again, you luck your way through missions, but this time you do it by fighting enemies that take 6 rounds in the head, point blank range, before dropping down. And you're doing it with a toy gun and a few firecrackers. Way to go, guys! THAT should make the game more appealing!

Words cannot express the rage I felt after 10 minutes with this game.



Also, it has the worst fucking box cover I've ever seen!

So it just made me think... what the hell happened to tactical turn-based games?! Over the years, not only have they become as scarce as polar bears on tropical islands, they also came out filled with bugs, flaws and seriously bad concept. Also, they were dumbed down more then vampire stories. How the fuck did that happen?!?!

Keep in mind that we're not talking about brick-shitting complicated tank sims, or annoying puzzle games that all the parents wish their children would play instead of Gears Of War 2. We're talking about a goddamn turn-based strategy! A genre that was pretty much common a few years ago. Nowadays, not only that there are practically NO such games available, but the ones that we have are mostly shit-eating bad. So why the hell won't they:

1.) Create or release any turn-based strategies?

2.) Make the ones they DO release at least half-decent instead of simply plain horrible?

I know very well that video games turned into a mainstream entertainment these days, and that all the video game companies only want to make a quick buck with their half-finished crap. I know that most people today are too stupid and too lazy to actually start up their brains, and are more comfortable with dumbass "just let me blow shit up" concept of GTA and Call Of Duty series. And as fun as those games are, they're not really something that would make me play them for months. Enjoying every little victory, leaving my computer with a pleasant smile on my face after I realize I just accomplished something, taking days to actually learn how to play, developing my unique tactics... We don't get that with Call Of Duty. I played Call Of Duty 1, 2, 3 and 4, beat each of them in one afternoon, and then forgot I ever owned them. I play Jagged Alliance 2 for about a year now. And I still enjoy it.

So how the hell did this happen? It's not like some new Jagged Alliance-style game wouldn't sell. Hell, it would sell like cold beer in Sahara! People are constantly whining about the lack of good turn-based games on the market. And most of them would give up their reproductive organs just for a chance to play modern turn-based game that is as good as the classic X-Com, UFO or Jagged Alliance titles. So what the hell are all those video game programmers waiting for?!?!?!



Maybe a hot chick like this one, busting through their door, threatening to sex them to death if they start working on a new X-Com clone? Yeah, I'd like that too, but that's highly unlikely to happen. Either because...

1.) That hot chick with Steyr AUG A1 would very much like to bang me to death as a reward for doing my fucking job, but despite all her efforts, she just can't seem to find me.

Or simply...

2.) THAT'S NOT HOW THAT SHIT WORKS IN REAL LIFE!!!!!

Is it because it wouldn't sell as much as, say, Ghost Recon? Not really, there are plenty of Jagged Alliance/X-Com fans that would love to get their hands on such a game. Is it because it would be impossible to implement all those tiny details into one game? Extent knowledge of firearms, small squad tactics, real world military equipment (instead of beam lasers and Tesla coil guns we are so fucking fed up with), destructible environments, cover spots... Again, the answer is no. Jagged Alliance 2 did all that more then 10 years ago, and it's selling like crazy even today.

So instead of cool X-Com sequels, we have a bunch of half-baked, busted, broken and buggy crap. I'm looking at you, Hired Guns! You might be the only Jagged Alliance sequel out there, but that doesn't change the fact that your creators released you a year too early. Not to mention some retarded concepts that make you almost unplayable. So you better PRAY TO GOD your latest patch can fix all that. But hey, at least you got released...

OK, so let's just say we can actually forgive those games for being a stinking pile of shit sandwiches. Assuming, of course, that all those games eventually DO get fixed with countless patches and updates. To be perfectly honest, Jagged Alliance 2 also took a hell of a lot of patching in order to become the best game ever. I can even understand it. After all, those games strive to be as realistic as possible, so you have to do a lot of research and balance a shitload of details in order to please the crowd. It's a hard work, and even the biggest military enthusiast can overlook many details. You're computer programmers after all, not Navy SEALs...

So for the love of God, don't pull the plug on every cool game you're working on! Release it, if the publishers are absolutely demanding it, and if need be suffer some bad reviews and pissy blog posts. After the initial storm, patch the shit out of the game and watch as the crowd goes wild on the message boards about "a kickass new patch that fixes all the game's cock-ups" and watch the sales skyrocket. Take all the time you need. We'll wait. After one more year, release some kind of GOLD fully-patched collector's edition version of your game and you're set. Just don't cancel any more great strategy games in order to please the average Wii owner...



Not everyone wants to play your fucking Mario Flowers crap for 8-year-olds, you monster!

What the hell happened to video games?!

As every concerned citizen, I feel it is my duty do stand up and defend what's right every once in a while. Especially when something I hold dear to my heart is at stake. Like the fate of a rainforest. Or the future of our children. Or fight against crime and corruption. Or video games.
Yes, my dear reader, time has come to stand up and speak our mind about what's right and what's wrong with our most beloved thing of everything that we think is beloved. Our sweet, precioussssss video games. After browsing Gamespot for about two hours (like I said, I get bored at work pretty fast, so don't be surprised) I was left in shock after discovering just how messed up video games turned out to be. How shallow and unsatisfying.

In other words, they're not bloody enough.

OK, now before you start giving me that politically correct crap about kids and violence in video games, let's get a few things straight...

1.) This is a politically incorrect blog. So if you're a politically correct person, please leave this blog at once.

In other words, if you can't see why this picture is awesome, get the hell out!

2.) Let's just cut the bullshit, nobody's playing video games because he/she wants to save the world from evil terrorists in the most humane way possible, we're playing them because we want to see some carnage. We like to feel badass, and we like to feel like action heroes. Doesn't matter who are we fighting, Nazis, Soviets, terrorists or mountain trolls. We want to see some blood and guts, dammit! Why? Because it's fun and because it's freakin' awesome! It's just our nature...

OK, now that we got that straightened out, let's talk about what's important here... As I said, a grim trend is sweeping the gaming industry. A grim trend of political correctness and family friendly titles. Friends, brothers, comrades... ask yourselves... HOW IN THE FUCK'S NAME DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!?!
Not so many years ago, we had games like Blood 2. We had games like Carmageddon. Like Sin. Like Diablo 2. Like Mortal Kombat 4. Or just about any other damn thing that gaming industry ever spat out. And all those wonderful titles shared one common trait - they were gore-drenched, knife-in-the-guts, in-your-face violent! And, most of all, fun.

Now I'm fully aware that it just might be me. After all, I was a kid back when those games were mainstream. It's not so easy to impress a man in his 20s, especially today. But consider this... God Of War is a good game. Great game, actually. And it's pretty brutal, you get to butcher all kinds of mythical creatures. AND you play as a muscular tough guy wielding two stone blades tied up with chains. Hell, Kratos even has sex in the game. Well, you don't get to see any hanky panky in the game, but at least the game lets you know he's banging hot chicks. Anyway.

You have to admit, the guy is pretty awesome. He's kind of like Spartan version of Conan. How cool is that?! Even if it was released 10 years ago, in the golden age of video game violence, God Of War would've stirred up some public outcry. Weeeeel... not really. Compared to other games of that time, God Of War is actually pretty average when it comes to violence. Don't get me wrong, it's brutal all right, but not that much.

Now take a look at these pictures

That's a screenshot from Blood 2: The Chosen. Holy shit, it's just the beginning of the game, and already there are severed limbs and pools of blood everywhere. Imagine what happens when you get your hands on some more powerful hardware later on in the game...

And what about this? I don't even think this one needs an explanation. We all enjoyed impaling our enemies on iron spikes in Mortal Kombat and performing ultra-violent fatalities. But for some reason, we're not allowed to do that anymore. Why the hell not?!?!
OK, I agree that certain video games aren't really fit for young kids. But if that's the case then don't let your 6-year-old toddler play them. Buy him a Super Mario game or something. Don't buy him Thrill Kill. It's called parenting, folks...
The thing is, we've been playing violent video games for generations. And we all enjoyed them. And we turned out OK. Sure, there are always a few extreme cases of psycho kids killing half of their class, but those kids sure as hell aren't fucked up because they played Mortal Kombat too much. I played Mortal Kombat even more, and I haven't killed anyone yet. Nor do I intend to.
Hell, I remember watching violent Hollywood action flicks with my entire family when i was 6 years old, and it never turned me into Norman Bates. If a child can watch "Die Hard" with his parents and not turn psycho, then I don't think a stupid video game will do much damage.

OK, now I'm starting to sound too serious. Well, anyways, as I was saying... we like to kill our enemies, and we like to see their guts splattered all around. At least in video games. I don't know what the hell started this grim trend of family friendly crap (our kids are more fucked up then ever these days, despite non-violent games). In a world of Reality TV, American Idol, 4Chan and tentacle rape cartoon porn, how the hell can splattering somebody's pixel brains make things worse? There's only one thing I am asking of video game developers - bring back the good video games and stop making any more of that kids friendly crap.
That's exactly why I hate fucking Nintendo. For crying out loud, why 50% of all their games have to be about flowers, sunshine and Italian plumbers? I'm not 8 anymore, give me some fun!

Pictured above: FUN.