It might seem strange to you that, after all my whining about how shitty our world turn out to be, I can actually praise something for a change. And not just anything, no... I'm talking about a documentary. Not an action movie, not a computer game, not even some kickass Heavy Metal album I just bought. But a piece of educational software (everything I can download from pirate sites is considered software, so don't be surprised) intended purely on showing you how people that lived 2000 years ago were freakin' awesome. And not just CGI "300" awesome. I'm talking about fucking "Terminator 2" awesome!
So let's just see what makes "Battles B.C." so freakin' great in compare to other documentaries today. Well, first of all, it's actually EDUCATIONAL. Yeah, I know, it sounds stupid. It's like saying that water is wet. That might be true, but considering the fact that most documentaries today are more fit for Reality TV then Discovery or History Channel, it makes perfect sense to point that out. If you ever saw one episode of "Ice Road Truckers" or "Deadliest Catch" you'll know exactly what I mean. Besides, it also has a kickass box cover.
Not to mention the fact that it has more blood in one episode then entire "Conan The Barbarian" series, comic books and cartoons included. So, what exactly are we dealing with here is this...
Each episode describes one particular battle (or military campaign) that took place some few thousand years ago in tremendous detail. I haven't seen the entire first season, but the episodes I did get the chance to watch are simply stunning. It introduces you to the main heroes (warlords) of each nation, and describes the geopolitical situation of the region where the battles took place, so you could actually understand not only what happened, but why. Then it dissects each and every battle, starting from the armies that fought, generals that commanded them, tactics they used, even how the terrain and weather influenced the outcome of the battle. The narrators, of course, are some well-known historians and authors you probably never heard of. And while telling the story of each battle, they use some of the most kickass CGI effects you ever saw in a documentary. You have an entire battlefield full of people slaughtering the shit out of each other, blood gushing everywhere in Sin City-style. Seriously, when I first saw this, I felt like my balls were about to explode from all the testosterone on screen.
Besides, of all the documentaries I saw about Punic Wars, or Alexander's conquests, this series was the most educational. Think Hannibal was a bearded old man with a funny helmet and a toga? Think again!
OK, so he looks kind of a badass here on this statue, but that's not really how I imagined one of the greatest generals the world has ever seen. He looks like some geezer from a retirenment home.
Now that's more like it! A big, buffed, muscular black tough guy who looks like he can bench press Volvos! Huge army, grey clouds on the horizon, golden glow of the setting sun... Seriously, don't even think about watching "Battles B.C." with your girlfriend! First of all, she could dump you and set off for America in search of the main actor. Or she couldn't understand just why are you getting so excited about seeing a half-naked bodybuilder with hairless, well-oiled torso sword fucking some poor guy on screen. She might misinterpret your excitement and dump you anayway. Or she will simply grow a beard and a pair of testicles once she gets overwhelmed with all the testosterone. Either way, you're fucked.
Yeah, it seems weird, but this is exactly what we guys want to see when turning on History Channel. But what we get most of the time is some fat truckers driving trucks through Alaska ("Ice Road Truckers"), or a rich douchebag Indiana-Jones-wannabe going on field trips to Egypt ("Digging for the truth"). Or a bunch of hippies-turned-scientists doing autopsy on mummies that aren't even kings or generals, getting all excited about "Look, we just found out this guy was a labourer when he was alive!" ("Mummy forensics"). Really, WHO GIVES A SHIT?!?!?! And let's not forget my all-time favorite, a boring-as-fuck English History professor talking about how the Englich monarchy under Tudor reign used to be a clusterfuck of pointless buerocratic bickering and failed conspiracies ("Monarchy"). Seriously, that guy is so boring he could kill me by simply talking to me for an hour! Come on, we need more TV shows like this! OK, I have to admit they kind of made my life better with "Battles B.C." and "Warriors", but that's not enough! We want more! A fuckload more!
These shows may not be perfect, mind you. The first thing I noticed about "Battles B.C." was how unrealistic their fight scenes were. Instead of two giant armies clashing, we see a bunch of guys randomly stabbing each other, blood splattering all around... You don't have to be an expert to know that real battles didn't look like this. But dammit, these scenes are only there for fun! You know, to make the show a bit more appealing to the eye. Kind of like a Hollywood movie. You saw "3oo", right? Well, this show, with it's "fight scenes" tries to capture the cool atmosphere of that particular movie. To give you your regular does of carnage and awesomeness. But the rest is completely authentic. You can finally learn what EXACTLY happened that day, who fucked up, and who emerged victorious. Besides, seeing Hannibal butchering couple of guys, blood and guts flying, with a setting sun dramatically shining in the background, it makes you want to watch this through to the end!
Just look at this picture above! And tell me this guy isn't so freakin' awesome you wish he was your older brother! Yeah, that's what I tought...
All in all, combining Hollywood-style fight scenes with a hardcore documentary turned out to be a full hit. So far I only saw the episodes about Hannibal, Alexander The Great, and the Israeli King Joshua, and I hope I'll see more soon. In this day and age when Discovery is starting to look more like Reality TV, this kind of show is priceless. I understand that people who aren't History nerds don't really want to watch a boring ass documentaries like "Monarchy", but that doesn't mean you have to dumb down those very same documentaries to the point of "Ice Road Truckers". "Battles B.C." found the perfect formula to make it both appealing and educational, so let's hope the rest of the world picks it up. Or else...
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