The early 2000s were truely the best time to be a metalhead. You can't deny that. But they were also kind of the worst...
Don't even try to argue with that. It's pointless.
Besides, if you're a teenager, and a Metalhead in these modern times, there is a good chance you're not really happy with the way things are now. No great new albums, no hot girls to impress with your awesome CD collection... Let's face it, the best thing you could look forward to is some average Viking Metal band releasing another album about steel and Ragnarok. Even the greatest legends of heavy Metal, such as Iron Maiden, Primal Fear, Hammerfall, or Running Wild seem to be running out of steam. We lost Manowar and Nightwish to douchebaguerry, Lost Horizon are nowhere to be found, and Metal chicks are getting uglier every day. Even Doro turned into a horrifying olg hag of a person!
My life will never be the same again... *sniff*
Things were quite different back in the early 2000s. If you're a Metalhead who is in his 20s by now, then you should remember it clearly. Back then, we had a maelstrom of kickass new albums hitting the shelves of our local music shops. All the best Metal bands in the world were slowly waking up from their long period of hybernation. And they were releasing kickass new songs like crazy, opening up new chapters in the History of awesomeness. Iced Earth made a groundbraking "Horror Show" and "The Glorius Burden", lifting their music to a whole new level. King Diamond released his best albums ever, "Abigail II: The Revenge" and "The Puppet Master", Primal Fear were utterly kicking ass with "Black Sun", Saxon had their "Killing Ground"... Hammerfall finally got all the credit and the attention they deserved, and Iron Maiden gave us "Dance Of Death", making us all cry tears of joy. We had Lost Horizon! Lost FUCKING Horizon! "Awakening the World" is considered one of the best Metal albums even today, despite all the innovative ways they came up with to fuck up their career. Even Dimmu Borgir became mainstream! A fucking MAINSTREAM! How great is that?!?! Running Wild released "The Brotherhood", and Sodom brutalized the living shit out of everyone with "M-16". It's like a flame of inspiration engulfed the entire planet, making it the best time in known history to be a Metal fan. Fuck the 80s!
Seriously, fuck'em!!!!!
I could go on for hours, there's just too much to mention...
Also, bands like Children of Bodom, Him, Nightwish and Sonata Arctica finally made the sound of Metal appealing to teenage girls. Which meant there were finally hot chicks by our side! I had my first hot Metal girlfriend right about at that time, and honestly... I didn't give a shit about anything else! Call me superficial, call me shallow, but HOLY SHIT did we look GOOD back then! Seriously, it's easy to be a rebellious, misunderstood teen when you and your girlfriend look like an improved versions of Jon Bon Jovi and Doro Pesch.
Be honest, if you had a chick like this by your side, would YOU give a shit about anything else? Yeah, didn't think so...
All in all, it seems like that truely WAS the best time to be a Metalhead, right? After all, we had everything... Hot girls, kickass new albums every month, tons of Metal festivals, all our favorite bands finally stopped making "experimental" albums and returned to their original awesomeness... It was all you could've wished for, right?
Well, just wait 'til you hear about all the BAD stuff...
Let me ask you something... Are you sick of all those pussy Rock bands they've been constantly bombarding you with for the past few years? Are you wishing you could stab someone to death every time you turn on the TV and see some lame Paramore music video FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME THIS WEEK? Well, if you think the invasion of sissy Rock bands is bad, then the invasion of lameass Nu Metal bands would've given you an ulcer in less then a month.
Tell me, did you ever ask yourself WHY none of the Metalheads that are in their 20s or 30s by now are not even slightly worried about 2012, with all it's Mayan apocalypse and shit? It's because we have already experienced a world-ending clusterfuck of true horror. We witnessed Metal turning from this...
...into this!
Because nothing screams "METAL!" louder then spiked hair, baggy clothes, cheap douchebag jewelry and dreadlocks. Way to go, society!
Back then you couldn't even take a crap at your own goddamn toilet without hearing Linkin Park on TV in the next room. Or some idiot 13-year-old neighbour kid blasting your eardrums with Papa Roach. Seriously, the record companies forced that Nu Metal crap onto us like a bad date. You just couldn't escape it! Hell, we even had to put up with Ill Nino and Mushroomhead on Gods Of Metal festival! Gods Of Motherfucking Metal!!!!!! Thank heavens, that shit didn't last, and after a while we were free of retarded attempts to combine Metal with Hip Hop and electronic Pop music. But holy shit, did it wreak havoc on our sanity for those few long years!
And guess who decided to join the clusterfuck, right after realizing his olympic-sized swimming pool that is paved with solid gold wasn't enought! Ah, who am I kidding, we all know the answer to this one...
And he was just getting warmed up with Napster! As soon as Nu Metal started to ass-fuck the music industry, Lars decided he needed to boost up Metallica's sales even more. And what better way to boost your record sales when you already have a huge and loyal fan base, then to change your music completely? Why? Well, to make it more appealing to retarded Nu Metal fans, of course... Way to go, Lars!
Yep, that's Metal for you right there... Thanks a lot, guys! How I managed to keep my love for Metal after this, I honestly can't say...
But then again, Metallica wasn't the only one who baffled us with their retarded ideas. Wanna guess who's next on my little list?
Honestly, can you even say you're surprised? So they released "Warriors Of The World", one of their best albums ever, despite it's shitty cover and with nearly half of the songs being boring instrumentals... So what could possibly be wrong with it?
Well, it sure as hell isn't the first album where I skip half of the songs because they're annoying... "Swords In The Wind", "Call To Arms", "Warriors Of The World United", "House Of Death"... those were among the most kickass songs I ever heard! But of course, Manowar wouldn't be Manowar if they didn't sword fuck us just when everything seemed to be perfect. So what happened?
"An American Trilogy" happened, that's what...
OK, I can somehow understand why a Metal band would want to make a Heavy Metal version of a classic opera aria, like "Nessun Dorma". Despite the fact that Puccini is spinning in his grave even today because of it, that song was kind of good. But a fucking Elvis Presley cover?!?!
What the hell?!?! If I wanted to listen to 1950s Rock 'n' Roll shit, I would've bought a damn Elvis Presley CD, not Manowar! And what the fuck does Elvis have to do with Metal?! What in the world made them put a freakin' Elvis cover on their best album?! Here I am, giving money for my regular dose of steel, swords and boobs (3 things Manowar sings about in just about every song they ever wrote), and all of a sudden, among brick-shitting awesome songs of my favorite band, I hear lyrics about land of cotton and "Glory Glory Halleluyah" over and over again!
"Come on, every band has one bad song!" you might think. "It's not the end of the world, it's still a great album..."
Yes, my friend, but let's put it this way... Imagine you're making out with a beautiful girl. There you are, kissing, cuddling, you're grabbing her boobs, she's starting to massage your crotch... You get the most raging boner you ever had in your life, and then, out of the blue... she kicks you in the nuts so hard you immediately fall over, curl up into fetal position and vomit. And she's laughing in your face. Yeah, that's what listening to "Warriors Of The World" feels like. Thanks a lot, Elvis!
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