How about some REAL Metal downfall? Part 1.

Do you remember Pantera?

Of course you do, how can you not remember one of the most kickass Metal bands ever spawned from the depths of hell itself? Four tattooed rednecks that made the most powerful Metal songs of the '90s, songs that only a crazy Texan could've possibly come up with? Yeah, THAT Pantera...

I swear, if somebody asked me a few years ago what made me such a foul-mouthed, beer-drinking, meat-devouring, firearms-obsessed, long-haired, unwashed, politically incorrect, bench-pressing Metal maniac, I would say just one word: Pantera.
I mean, just look at the guys! They're everything you can think of when you say "Metal as fuck!"



Long, unwashed hair? Check. Tattoos? Check. The greatest goatee of all time? Check. Gritty, powerful riffs? Check. In-your-face foul lyrics? Double check. Being a total badass? Holy shit, check!

Words cannot express how I felt after hearing "The Great Southern Trendkill" for the first time. Phil Anselmo's vocals were so powerful he could tear Venom a new asshole! And Darrell's riffs that came along with it almost gave me a freakin' heart attack! The songs themself were great, with foul, but well-written lyrics, and it didn't take long for me to crown Pantera as the most kickass Metal band in the world. Back in time when even Metallica's "Load" and Iron Maiden's "The X Factor" were labeled as Metal (despite the fact that they sounded less "Heavy" then Miley Cyrus), Pantera was like a breeze of a fresh wind in the desert heat.

But, as you already guessed, something MUST be wrong with them. After all, I wouldn't write about them if they were awesome head-to-toes. So what's the deal here?




Can you tell me what shitty 1980s Hair Metal sissy band is this? What is the first name that comes to your mind? Cinderella? Poison? Europe? Warrant? Britny Fox? They look like they'd lose a 4 against 1 fist fight to Hannah Montana, don't they? Just look at them! Is THAT what was labeled as Metal during the '80s?! Holy fuck, how could anyone claim that the '80s were the best time to be a Metalhead?!?! If every Metalhead wore a leopard spandex, tight leather pants and mascara, then how the hell could've Metal evolved into anything other then Avril Lavigne?

Well, my friends, that shitty band pictured above is Pantera, circa 1980s.

Don't worry, that awful sound of shattering glass is just your heard breaking. I experienced it too when I saw those pictures for the first time. Right after I stopped laughing my ass off and calling all my friends, yelling "Holy shit, man! I just found out that Pantera were a bunch of Hair Metal sissies!".



Yes, these guys!

But why exactly did it break my heart? Well, after all the laugh I had, I remembered there was a time when I actually gave all my allowance to buy some of their albums. While giving money to hear their Metal awesomeness, I had no idea their target audience actually used to be mascara-wearing nancy boys with puffy hair. And that pissed me off for more then one reason.

1.) It turned out that all of their Metal awesomeness was no more then a cheap publicity stunt to make them more appealing to rebellious teens. The fact that their early albums and their entire career from 1980s was cleverly erased from their band bio clearly speaks for itself. Think about it... During the '80s, the most successful bands were the ones that looked like effeminate versions of Bon Jovi and sounded less threatening then Hilary Duff. It was a time when Glam Metal was all the rage, and everyone bought Glam Metal albums. Sure, bands like Metallica, Anthrax and Slayer were there, but they weren't nearly as popular back then as they turned out to be 10 years later. Being a brutal Metal band simply didn't PAY well at the time. You can figure out the rest.

2.) They could've turned Metal after being sissies for 10 years or so, then say "Well fuck it, it was a different time, and we were young and stupid! We're different now, we're tired of being nancy boys! Metal up your ass, eh?" and all would be forgiven. But nooooo, they proved their douchebaguerry even more by pretending it never happened. Sorry to burst your bubbles, guys, but there is this thing called INTERNET...

3.) If I dig a bit harder, GOD KNOWS what else would I find out about my favorite bands! OK, I know Metal musicians aren't nearly as badass as they would like you to believe they are, but let's not push it. A man can only take so much sissiness in one day.

Speaking of which, take a look at this picture of a douchebag I Googled up specifically for this occasion. Don't roll your eyes, I'm trying to prove a point here...



OK, now look at Darrell's face on the picture below. Look more carefully. Notice any similarities between the two?



That's right, Diamond Darrell invented a "duckface douchebag" face we all so hate. Thank you, Darrell!

Stay tuned for more, 'cause I feel there's a hell of a lot more coming up on my once favorite Metal bands!

The best and the worst time to be a Metalhead

The early 2000s were truely the best time to be a metalhead. You can't deny that. But they were also kind of the worst...

Don't even try to argue with that. It's pointless.
Besides, if you're a teenager, and a Metalhead in these modern times, there is a good chance you're not really happy with the way things are now. No great new albums, no hot girls to impress with your awesome CD collection... Let's face it, the best thing you could look forward to is some average Viking Metal band releasing another album about steel and Ragnarok. Even the greatest legends of heavy Metal, such as Iron Maiden, Primal Fear, Hammerfall, or Running Wild seem to be running out of steam. We lost Manowar and Nightwish to douchebaguerry, Lost Horizon are nowhere to be found, and Metal chicks are getting uglier every day. Even Doro turned into a horrifying olg hag of a person!



My life will never be the same again... *sniff*

Things were quite different back in the early 2000s. If you're a Metalhead who is in his 20s by now, then you should remember it clearly. Back then, we had a maelstrom of kickass new albums hitting the shelves of our local music shops. All the best Metal bands in the world were slowly waking up from their long period of hybernation. And they were releasing kickass new songs like crazy, opening up new chapters in the History of awesomeness. Iced Earth made a groundbraking "Horror Show" and "The Glorius Burden", lifting their music to a whole new level. King Diamond released his best albums ever, "Abigail II: The Revenge" and "The Puppet Master", Primal Fear were utterly kicking ass with "Black Sun", Saxon had their "Killing Ground"... Hammerfall finally got all the credit and the attention they deserved, and Iron Maiden gave us "Dance Of Death", making us all cry tears of joy. We had Lost Horizon! Lost FUCKING Horizon! "Awakening the World" is considered one of the best Metal albums even today, despite all the innovative ways they came up with to fuck up their career. Even Dimmu Borgir became mainstream! A fucking MAINSTREAM! How great is that?!?! Running Wild released "The Brotherhood", and Sodom brutalized the living shit out of everyone with "M-16". It's like a flame of inspiration engulfed the entire planet, making it the best time in known history to be a Metal fan. Fuck the 80s!



Seriously, fuck'em!!!!!

I could go on for hours, there's just too much to mention...

Also, bands like Children of Bodom, Him, Nightwish and Sonata Arctica finally made the sound of Metal appealing to teenage girls. Which meant there were finally hot chicks by our side! I had my first hot Metal girlfriend right about at that time, and honestly... I didn't give a shit about anything else! Call me superficial, call me shallow, but HOLY SHIT did we look GOOD back then! Seriously, it's easy to be a rebellious, misunderstood teen when you and your girlfriend look like an improved versions of Jon Bon Jovi and Doro Pesch.



Be honest, if you had a chick like this by your side, would YOU give a shit about anything else? Yeah, didn't think so...

All in all, it seems like that truely WAS the best time to be a Metalhead, right? After all, we had everything... Hot girls, kickass new albums every month, tons of Metal festivals, all our favorite bands finally stopped making "experimental" albums and returned to their original awesomeness... It was all you could've wished for, right?

Well, just wait 'til you hear about all the BAD stuff...

Let me ask you something... Are you sick of all those pussy Rock bands they've been constantly bombarding you with for the past few years? Are you wishing you could stab someone to death every time you turn on the TV and see some lame Paramore music video FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME THIS WEEK? Well, if you think the invasion of sissy Rock bands is bad, then the invasion of lameass Nu Metal bands would've given you an ulcer in less then a month.
Tell me, did you ever ask yourself WHY none of the Metalheads that are in their 20s or 30s by now are not even slightly worried about 2012, with all it's Mayan apocalypse and shit? It's because we have already experienced a world-ending clusterfuck of true horror. We witnessed Metal turning from this...





...into this!





Because nothing screams "METAL!" louder then spiked hair, baggy clothes, cheap douchebag jewelry and dreadlocks. Way to go, society!

Back then you couldn't even take a crap at your own goddamn toilet without hearing Linkin Park on TV in the next room. Or some idiot 13-year-old neighbour kid blasting your eardrums with Papa Roach. Seriously, the record companies forced that Nu Metal crap onto us like a bad date. You just couldn't escape it! Hell, we even had to put up with Ill Nino and Mushroomhead on Gods Of Metal festival! Gods Of Motherfucking Metal!!!!!! Thank heavens, that shit didn't last, and after a while we were free of retarded attempts to combine Metal with Hip Hop and electronic Pop music. But holy shit, did it wreak havoc on our sanity for those few long years!

And guess who decided to join the clusterfuck, right after realizing his olympic-sized swimming pool that is paved with solid gold wasn't enought! Ah, who am I kidding, we all know the answer to this one...



And he was just getting warmed up with Napster! As soon as Nu Metal started to ass-fuck the music industry, Lars decided he needed to boost up Metallica's sales even more. And what better way to boost your record sales when you already have a huge and loyal fan base, then to change your music completely? Why? Well, to make it more appealing to retarded Nu Metal fans, of course... Way to go, Lars!



Yep, that's Metal for you right there... Thanks a lot, guys! How I managed to keep my love for Metal after this, I honestly can't say...

But then again, Metallica wasn't the only one who baffled us with their retarded ideas. Wanna guess who's next on my little list?



Honestly, can you even say you're surprised? So they released "Warriors Of The World", one of their best albums ever, despite it's shitty cover and with nearly half of the songs being boring instrumentals... So what could possibly be wrong with it?



Well, it sure as hell isn't the first album where I skip half of the songs because they're annoying... "Swords In The Wind", "Call To Arms", "Warriors Of The World United", "House Of Death"... those were among the most kickass songs I ever heard! But of course, Manowar wouldn't be Manowar if they didn't sword fuck us just when everything seemed to be perfect. So what happened?
"An American Trilogy" happened, that's what...

OK, I can somehow understand why a Metal band would want to make a Heavy Metal version of a classic opera aria, like "Nessun Dorma". Despite the fact that Puccini is spinning in his grave even today because of it, that song was kind of good. But a fucking Elvis Presley cover?!?!
What the hell?!?! If I wanted to listen to 1950s Rock 'n' Roll shit, I would've bought a damn Elvis Presley CD, not Manowar! And what the fuck does Elvis have to do with Metal?! What in the world made them put a freakin' Elvis cover on their best album?! Here I am, giving money for my regular dose of steel, swords and boobs (3 things Manowar sings about in just about every song they ever wrote), and all of a sudden, among brick-shitting awesome songs of my favorite band, I hear lyrics about land of cotton and "Glory Glory Halleluyah" over and over again!

"Come on, every band has one bad song!" you might think. "It's not the end of the world, it's still a great album..."

Yes, my friend, but let's put it this way... Imagine you're making out with a beautiful girl. There you are, kissing, cuddling, you're grabbing her boobs, she's starting to massage your crotch... You get the most raging boner you ever had in your life, and then, out of the blue... she kicks you in the nuts so hard you immediately fall over, curl up into fetal position and vomit. And she's laughing in your face. Yeah, that's what listening to "Warriors Of The World" feels like. Thanks a lot, Elvis!

The ultimate documentary for MEN!

It might seem strange to you that, after all my whining about how shitty our world turn out to be, I can actually praise something for a change. And not just anything, no... I'm talking about a documentary. Not an action movie, not a computer game, not even some kickass Heavy Metal album I just bought. But a piece of educational software (everything I can download from pirate sites is considered software, so don't be surprised) intended purely on showing you how people that lived 2000 years ago were freakin' awesome. And not just CGI "300" awesome. I'm talking about fucking "Terminator 2" awesome!

So let's just see what makes "Battles B.C." so freakin' great in compare to other documentaries today. Well, first of all, it's actually EDUCATIONAL. Yeah, I know, it sounds stupid. It's like saying that water is wet. That might be true, but considering the fact that most documentaries today are more fit for Reality TV then Discovery or History Channel, it makes perfect sense to point that out. If you ever saw one episode of "Ice Road Truckers" or "Deadliest Catch" you'll know exactly what I mean. Besides, it also has a kickass box cover.



Not to mention the fact that it has more blood in one episode then entire "Conan The Barbarian" series, comic books and cartoons included. So, what exactly are we dealing with here is this...

Each episode describes one particular battle (or military campaign) that took place some few thousand years ago in tremendous detail. I haven't seen the entire first season, but the episodes I did get the chance to watch are simply stunning. It introduces you to the main heroes (warlords) of each nation, and describes the geopolitical situation of the region where the battles took place, so you could actually understand not only what happened, but why. Then it dissects each and every battle, starting from the armies that fought, generals that commanded them, tactics they used, even how the terrain and weather influenced the outcome of the battle. The narrators, of course, are some well-known historians and authors you probably never heard of. And while telling the story of each battle, they use some of the most kickass CGI effects you ever saw in a documentary. You have an entire battlefield full of people slaughtering the shit out of each other, blood gushing everywhere in Sin City-style. Seriously, when I first saw this, I felt like my balls were about to explode from all the testosterone on screen.

Besides, of all the documentaries I saw about Punic Wars, or Alexander's conquests, this series was the most educational. Think Hannibal was a bearded old man with a funny helmet and a toga? Think again!



OK, so he looks kind of a badass here on this statue, but that's not really how I imagined one of the greatest generals the world has ever seen. He looks like some geezer from a retirenment home.



Now that's more like it! A big, buffed, muscular black tough guy who looks like he can bench press Volvos! Huge army, grey clouds on the horizon, golden glow of the setting sun... Seriously, don't even think about watching "Battles B.C." with your girlfriend! First of all, she could dump you and set off for America in search of the main actor. Or she couldn't understand just why are you getting so excited about seeing a half-naked bodybuilder with hairless, well-oiled torso sword fucking some poor guy on screen. She might misinterpret your excitement and dump you anayway. Or she will simply grow a beard and a pair of testicles once she gets overwhelmed with all the testosterone. Either way, you're fucked.

Yeah, it seems weird, but this is exactly what we guys want to see when turning on History Channel. But what we get most of the time is some fat truckers driving trucks through Alaska ("Ice Road Truckers"), or a rich douchebag Indiana-Jones-wannabe going on field trips to Egypt ("Digging for the truth"). Or a bunch of hippies-turned-scientists doing autopsy on mummies that aren't even kings or generals, getting all excited about "Look, we just found out this guy was a labourer when he was alive!" ("Mummy forensics"). Really, WHO GIVES A SHIT?!?!?! And let's not forget my all-time favorite, a boring-as-fuck English History professor talking about how the Englich monarchy under Tudor reign used to be a clusterfuck of pointless buerocratic bickering and failed conspiracies ("Monarchy"). Seriously, that guy is so boring he could kill me by simply talking to me for an hour! Come on, we need more TV shows like this! OK, I have to admit they kind of made my life better with "Battles B.C." and "Warriors", but that's not enough! We want more! A fuckload more!

These shows may not be perfect, mind you. The first thing I noticed about "Battles B.C." was how unrealistic their fight scenes were. Instead of two giant armies clashing, we see a bunch of guys randomly stabbing each other, blood splattering all around... You don't have to be an expert to know that real battles didn't look like this. But dammit, these scenes are only there for fun! You know, to make the show a bit more appealing to the eye. Kind of like a Hollywood movie. You saw "3oo", right? Well, this show, with it's "fight scenes" tries to capture the cool atmosphere of that particular movie. To give you your regular does of carnage and awesomeness. But the rest is completely authentic. You can finally learn what EXACTLY happened that day, who fucked up, and who emerged victorious. Besides, seeing Hannibal butchering couple of guys, blood and guts flying, with a setting sun dramatically shining in the background, it makes you want to watch this through to the end!



Just look at this picture above! And tell me this guy isn't so freakin' awesome you wish he was your older brother! Yeah, that's what I tought...

All in all, combining Hollywood-style fight scenes with a hardcore documentary turned out to be a full hit. So far I only saw the episodes about Hannibal, Alexander The Great, and the Israeli King Joshua, and I hope I'll see more soon. In this day and age when Discovery is starting to look more like Reality TV, this kind of show is priceless. I understand that people who aren't History nerds don't really want to watch a boring ass documentaries like "Monarchy", but that doesn't mean you have to dumb down those very same documentaries to the point of "Ice Road Truckers". "Battles B.C." found the perfect formula to make it both appealing and educational, so let's hope the rest of the world picks it up. Or else...

The curse of turn-based strategy games

Life really is a bitch. And a big, fat one at that.

I was just enjoying my time today, surfing the web, looking for some information on the game I just purchased, downloading porn, playing "Band of heroes"... You know, the usual. And the game I just got was Hired Guns: The Jagged Edge, a Jagged Alliance rip-off that came out not so long ago. I actually knew the game was just a piece of shit, but a friend of mine told me he got some new patch that was supposed to fix all the big issues that plagued the game. So I decided to give it a try. And while doing so, I ran into a little piece of information that almost gave me a freakin' heart attack - Jagged Alliance 3 was cancelled!

OK, I know it sounds stupid, but I'm not really a geek that spends 25 hours a day online, so you can't expect me to be up to date on every little detail about video games. You knew Jagged Alliance 3 was cancelled because you read every post on the internet. I didn't because I'm a lazy asshole. You'll just have to forgive me this one. Anyway...

The reason why I'm telling all this is simple... it made me think! No, seriously. It also made me realize something important. Turn-based strategies are cursed. And I don't mean cursed in the good, Indiana Jones way. No, because that would be kind of awesome. It would probably mean that if you touch Silent Storm, you will be stricken by an ancient Mesopotamian blood curse. Which would force you to travel to Nepal in search of some ancient tome of power, or some shit to get rid of the curse. By fighting Kung-Fu monks and stealing artifacts from the Nazis.



You know, like Indiana did. Now tell me that wouldn't be freakin' awesome! I dare you!
No, my friend, the curse that befell tactical turn-based strategy games is a lot more simple, and a lot more lame. It's not really ancient Egyptian mummy curse. It's more like common human stupidity curse. In other words, every turn-based strategy game after Jagged Alliance 2 simply sucked.

AND THAT'S SOME FUCKED UP CURSE FOR YOU RIGHT THERE!!!!



Pictured above: a human stupidity curse at it's finest.

And that's actually one of the good, successful strategy games that wants to be the new Jagged Alliance. That's right. A dumbed down, cartoonish squad-based game with exactly zero strategy at it's core gameplay is the finest representative of the great legacy of Jagged Alliance creators.
Now I'm not saying Silent Storm is a bad game. It's kind of cool, and fun for a while, until you get bored with repetitive gameplay and the way you luck your way out of every mission. It's simply too shallow and lacks a hell of a lot of features that would make it a really great game. Like strategy, tactics, complex unit management, logistics... Silent Storm never makes you think before you act, never makes you squeeze the last drop of skill from your characters in order to beat your enemies, and often rewards simple wishful thinking and luck. Not a very TACTICAL approach, at least for a TACTICAL game. And it gets worse.
It's sequel, Sentinels, on the other hand, is taking the main concept to the new extremes. In other words, making the game so damn hard and frustrating it will make you hurl your keyboard into the wall. And not by making your enemies smarter, or tuning the gameplay a little so it would force you to take proper cover, manage your action points, and think more carefully about sending your squad into a firefight where they'll be outgunned and outnumbered. Once again, you luck your way through missions, but this time you do it by fighting enemies that take 6 rounds in the head, point blank range, before dropping down. And you're doing it with a toy gun and a few firecrackers. Way to go, guys! THAT should make the game more appealing!

Words cannot express the rage I felt after 10 minutes with this game.



Also, it has the worst fucking box cover I've ever seen!

So it just made me think... what the hell happened to tactical turn-based games?! Over the years, not only have they become as scarce as polar bears on tropical islands, they also came out filled with bugs, flaws and seriously bad concept. Also, they were dumbed down more then vampire stories. How the fuck did that happen?!?!

Keep in mind that we're not talking about brick-shitting complicated tank sims, or annoying puzzle games that all the parents wish their children would play instead of Gears Of War 2. We're talking about a goddamn turn-based strategy! A genre that was pretty much common a few years ago. Nowadays, not only that there are practically NO such games available, but the ones that we have are mostly shit-eating bad. So why the hell won't they:

1.) Create or release any turn-based strategies?

2.) Make the ones they DO release at least half-decent instead of simply plain horrible?

I know very well that video games turned into a mainstream entertainment these days, and that all the video game companies only want to make a quick buck with their half-finished crap. I know that most people today are too stupid and too lazy to actually start up their brains, and are more comfortable with dumbass "just let me blow shit up" concept of GTA and Call Of Duty series. And as fun as those games are, they're not really something that would make me play them for months. Enjoying every little victory, leaving my computer with a pleasant smile on my face after I realize I just accomplished something, taking days to actually learn how to play, developing my unique tactics... We don't get that with Call Of Duty. I played Call Of Duty 1, 2, 3 and 4, beat each of them in one afternoon, and then forgot I ever owned them. I play Jagged Alliance 2 for about a year now. And I still enjoy it.

So how the hell did this happen? It's not like some new Jagged Alliance-style game wouldn't sell. Hell, it would sell like cold beer in Sahara! People are constantly whining about the lack of good turn-based games on the market. And most of them would give up their reproductive organs just for a chance to play modern turn-based game that is as good as the classic X-Com, UFO or Jagged Alliance titles. So what the hell are all those video game programmers waiting for?!?!?!



Maybe a hot chick like this one, busting through their door, threatening to sex them to death if they start working on a new X-Com clone? Yeah, I'd like that too, but that's highly unlikely to happen. Either because...

1.) That hot chick with Steyr AUG A1 would very much like to bang me to death as a reward for doing my fucking job, but despite all her efforts, she just can't seem to find me.

Or simply...

2.) THAT'S NOT HOW THAT SHIT WORKS IN REAL LIFE!!!!!

Is it because it wouldn't sell as much as, say, Ghost Recon? Not really, there are plenty of Jagged Alliance/X-Com fans that would love to get their hands on such a game. Is it because it would be impossible to implement all those tiny details into one game? Extent knowledge of firearms, small squad tactics, real world military equipment (instead of beam lasers and Tesla coil guns we are so fucking fed up with), destructible environments, cover spots... Again, the answer is no. Jagged Alliance 2 did all that more then 10 years ago, and it's selling like crazy even today.

So instead of cool X-Com sequels, we have a bunch of half-baked, busted, broken and buggy crap. I'm looking at you, Hired Guns! You might be the only Jagged Alliance sequel out there, but that doesn't change the fact that your creators released you a year too early. Not to mention some retarded concepts that make you almost unplayable. So you better PRAY TO GOD your latest patch can fix all that. But hey, at least you got released...

OK, so let's just say we can actually forgive those games for being a stinking pile of shit sandwiches. Assuming, of course, that all those games eventually DO get fixed with countless patches and updates. To be perfectly honest, Jagged Alliance 2 also took a hell of a lot of patching in order to become the best game ever. I can even understand it. After all, those games strive to be as realistic as possible, so you have to do a lot of research and balance a shitload of details in order to please the crowd. It's a hard work, and even the biggest military enthusiast can overlook many details. You're computer programmers after all, not Navy SEALs...

So for the love of God, don't pull the plug on every cool game you're working on! Release it, if the publishers are absolutely demanding it, and if need be suffer some bad reviews and pissy blog posts. After the initial storm, patch the shit out of the game and watch as the crowd goes wild on the message boards about "a kickass new patch that fixes all the game's cock-ups" and watch the sales skyrocket. Take all the time you need. We'll wait. After one more year, release some kind of GOLD fully-patched collector's edition version of your game and you're set. Just don't cancel any more great strategy games in order to please the average Wii owner...



Not everyone wants to play your fucking Mario Flowers crap for 8-year-olds, you monster!