"Lesbian Vampire Killers" vs "Twilight"

Let us all, for one second, pretend we are not embarrased by the fact that we all saw "Twilight". Wether because your girlfriend dragged you to the theater, or because you watched that movie with a female friend in one of your attempts to trick her into letting you touch her boob. It doesn't matter. We all saw "Twilight". And we all fucking hated it.



Fuck you, Stephanie Meyer! By the way, Bram Stoker called. He says he's going to fuck your ass up as soon as he gets you for your crimes against intelligence. I'm just sayin'...

Anyway...

First of all, let's get one thing straight, ladies... You hate me because I hate "Twilight". That's OK. Really. I think you're retarded because you love "Twilight". Fair enough. Besides, I was always kind of a pig. You know, a MALE pig. A swine. Just ask some of my ex girlfriends, they'll tell you the same thing. But I'm cool with it. To be perfectly honest with you, I'm kind of proud of it...



Pictured above: me, according to my ex girlfriends.

So, that being said, we can all just breathe more easily and just get on towards the point of this article - vampire flicks and just how bad they became over the years.
So in order to prove my point I have decided to compare two most recent vampire flicks that came to my attention. I don't even want to acknowledge the existence of "Vampires: Los Muertos" or any other half successful vampire crap that came out after Coppola's masterpiece "Bram Stoker's Dracula" because they are fucking stupid, and an insult to every vampire up to this point.




Seriously, do you even need to compare these two in order to prove a point?!

No, the only two successful films in recent years were "Twilight" and a brand new "Lesbian vampire killers". So let's just stick to them...
First of all, let's take a look at our little festival of retardedness I like to call "Twilight hysteria". Millions upon millions of teenage girls crowding the theaters with their copy of "Twilight" book in their purses. A book that is about 400 pages long and contains nothing but Stephanie Meyer's masturbation fantasies. So what's so great about that movie?!

Well, let's try to find out...


Victim number 1: Twilight



First of all, the movie is about 2 hours long. And in those 2 hours you are stuck watching a retarded high school girl Bella drooling over a sparkle fairy called Edwin (or Edward, who gives a shit...). Now I'm not going to get all smart and start a tantrum about what kind of message that movie sends to all those idiot high school girls and stick with a more practical approach. In other words, I'll try to figure out just what the hell is so good about this movie that it should make you sit on your chair for 2 fucking hours.

Let's see... ah yes, the main story. A plot. A twist. A backbone of every movie ever, except porn. Well, here we have a "vampire love story". There's this retarded, semi-attractive girl named Bella who falls in love with a gay vampire named Edward. And that's it! That's the whole fucking plot! For the rest of the movie we get to watch them sparkle and play vampire baseball. We get a lot of sissy love scenes in which the two of them almost kiss, they go to dinner, they go to the prom... Just why would a 200-years-old vampire be interested in unattractive 16-year-old with the brains of a retarded sea sponge, survival instinct of a lemming, self-esteem of an old shoe, and countless daddy issues, the movie never bothers to explain.

The characters? Main heroes? Well, here they are...



Fuck. You. Stephanie. Meyer. Seriously.

Do I even need to mention horrible acting and some of the worst dialogue you ever heard since your 12-year-old sister tried to write a fan fiction?
For two. Fucking. Hours.
Seriously, no amount of tits and ass you could've grabbed afterwards is worth of all that torment.

Next, the villain... yes, every movie needs a good villain. And boy, do we have a villain here!



Scared? Neither was I. Maybe because the only time something actually happens in the movie is in the last 20 minutes. And it features this guy. And even then, he never actually DOES anything badass. Besides, he kind of looks more like a sissy, rather then some awesome and powerful bad guy. He reminds me of one of those hippie dudes who spend all their days lying on grass and writing bad poetry.


Final verdict?

If a number of "Twilight" fanatics is any indication, we really don't deserve to survive as a species.


Victim number 2: Lesbian vampire killers



Finally, something us GUYS can actually enjoy! OK, so let's start from the beginning. First of all, this movie is a comedy, pure and simple. A parody of not only vampire movies, but Hollywood teenage slasher flicks as well. Keep that in mind, since "Twilight" is supposed to be a "serious" movie about vampires.

Now ladies, I know what you're thinking... "Ewwww, that's such a typical male stuff, only naked boobs and violence, and none of the depth, seriousness or sensitivity of chick flicks."
And you're absolutely right. Hey, I'm not actually a redneck, I do have my share of sensitivity. We all know that because I used to listen to Nightwish and shit. But even I have to draw the line somewhere. Face it, your boyfriends hate about 90% of all the movies you like. Mostly because they're boring as fuck and make us want to puke. Just like me and "Twilight". We want to have fun while watching a movie. And our idea of fun isn't watching Meg Ryan and Hugh Grant kissing on screen for 90 fucking minutes. We want a good story, lots of violence, lots of boobs, hot girls, blood, sex and dick jokes. Do we get all that in "Twilight"? No. How about "Lesbian vampire killers"? Oh, FUCK YES!



I couldn't have said it better myself...

OK, so... the plotline of this awesome movie. Two guys decide to go hiking in a desperate attempt to have a decent vacation and maybe get some laid. One of them just got dumped, other one lost his job. Sad. So, they come across a small village where they find out about an ancient curse, and meet some hot chicks. Soon after they get settled in a small cottage, shit gets real and they are attacked by lesbian vampires. Stay classy, film makers!

As for the characters/heroes in this movie, well... they're so funny and likeable you just have to love them after only 2 minutes. Something "Twilight" desperately lacks. They are portrayed by great (not at all famous) actors, and have such great personalitites it is impossible not to laugh at their jokes.



Just look at them! They're fucking awesome!

And let's not forget other important characters...



Now compare these girls...



To these girls...

Exactly.

And let's not forget the villains either...






Drinking blood, banging hot chicks... it might seem strange to "Twilight" freaks, but that's kind of what the vampires do. What they always did. And we got none of that in "Twilight"...


Final verdict?

There's hope for vampire flicks yet. Besides, even if there isn't that doesn't change the fact that "Lesbian vampire killers" is one of the best movies ever.

World War 2 (according to Sven Hassel)

Don't you just love a good book?

I know I do. Especially when it's about sex, violence and blowing shit up with some badass firepower. So tell me this... is there anyone, and I mean ANYONE out there who is male, likes to read a good book, and DOESN'T love Sven Hassel? Didn't think so...

Just look at the covers! It's the ultimate men's book, especially in these harsh times of "Twilight", when each and every other book seems to be written specifically for 12-year-old girls.



As some of you might've guessed, I am a big Sven Hassel fan. And I mean REALLY big fan. I read "Wheels of Terror" when I was 12, and it's still one of my favorites. For those of you who still didn't read any of his books, please get into your car, drive to your local book shop as fast as you can, and buy at least 3 of his books. Don't worry about running over an old lady, she will understand. SHE READ SVEN HASSEL! In the meantime, let me give you a few hints about why exactly Sven Hassel stuff is the awesomest of the most awesome selection of awesome when it comes to books. And I'm talking about books from a book store that says "AWESOME ONLY" on it's door sign.

First of all, they're easy to read. Which makes them all the more fun right at the beginning. Unlike some fantasy books, or detective novels, Sven Hassel cuts right to the point, without any pointless crap such as "creating a fine atmosphere" by describing a pair of socks in 500 words. It's all about the characters, and what's going on around them. No point in describing the soldier's uniform, since we all know how the German soldier looked like back then. We've all seen "The Longest Day", for Christ's sake! It's the characters' personality that counts. And what characters they are, my friend! Believeable, charismatic and likeable. Next, we have a lots of fighting, lots of blood, lots of stuff getting blown up, lots of adrenaline, and lots of gruesome scenes. There's also a lot of profanities, lots of swearing, whoring, drinking, gambling... Hell, you have to love it! It's like a good action flick from the '90s... But then again, it's not really surprising either. I mean, just look at the guy!



This is the least cool picture of him I was able to find, so I guess that kind of speaks for itself...
Anyway, all those books were allegedly based on Hassel's real life experiences as a soldier. So that means a lot of characters are actually real people, who served alongside Hassel during the war. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, and I honestly couldn't give a shit either way. But I have to say, I find his books both fun AND educational at the same time. How is that possible, you may ask?

I consider myself a lot of things, but the one that kind of makes me proud of myself is my knowledge of history. Especially World War 2. In other words, I'm a history nerd...

And don't laugh!

Aaaaaanyways, as every good history geek, I was a bit surprised by Hassel's depiction of the most cataclysmic conflict in human history. No, really. It seemed a bit crazy at the beginning, but I actually learned a lot about the Second World War, as well as German soldiers in general. So get ready to have your minds blown off, my fellow history nerds, because you're about to get a history lesson from Sven Hassel!

So, let's get on with lesson number 1...


Lesson number 1:

The most elite units that German army had at it's disposal were the penal battalions. They could march for 2000 miles without any form of nutrition, except the occasional bottle of Vodka. The only times they actually ate something was when they had to show off for the readers, by getting drunk and eating like pigs. Also, they were extremely resilient to weather conditions. Where most people would lose a few toes due to the extreme below zero temperatures, the penal battalions got off just fine, without any health problems at all. They just kept fighting like Rambo on steroids after allegedly freezing to death for the last 20 pages.



Pictured above: The only nutrition that German penal battalions needed. Supplying them must've been really simple...


Lesson number 2:

Each and every soldier in the German army had a machine gun. Only few of them had submachine guns, and there were no rifles at all, except for the executions. They also carried about 50 hand grenades each, and were able to throw them at the distance of about 500 meters, busting bunkers, soldiers and tanks with them to smithereens. They were extremely skilled with flamethrowers, knives, shovels and rocks as well. They could throw knives at the distance of 200 meters, more or less, hitting a mosquito on their enemy's back. Even more, they seem to be able to transform all those vast amounts of Vodka into ammo, since they never had any troubles with ammo shortages. Maybe once or twice while they were in the tanks, but that was just a little bit of drama...


Lesson number 3:

The only tank penal battalions ever used was the Tiger 1. In fact, the only tank that the German army ever used during the war was Tiger 1. Surprising, eh? Those tanks were indestructible as well, and they were also used to ram the enemy tanks if out of ammo. You know, because of their superior speed, maneuverability, reliability...


Lesson number 4:

They were able to destroy each and every enemy tank with just one shot, wether it was by hitting them with their own tanks, grenades, bullets, flamethrowers, Molotov cocktails, rocks or their bare hands... Often standing right in front of a tank and waiting for it to get closer was the most successful strategy to blow it up. Even with a flamethrower. No, really. One of the characters once blew up a tank with only a flamethrower. The tank was destroyed in about 2 seconds. One shot, one kill. It was something like this...




Lesson number 5:

Penal battalions fought as both infantry AND tank crews. AND they were prison guards at their spare time. They were skilled mechanics and bomb disposal experts, just to keep that shit more interesting.


Lesson number 6:

Russian and American soldiers couldn't wait to abandon their comrades and get drunk with guys from the German penal battalions. Even if it means getting shot in the head afterwards.


Lesson number 7:

Hot women back then had nothing better to do then wait for some dirty grunt sentenced to service on the Eastern Front to come by, so they could have sex with him.


Lesson number 8:

Apparently, the only reason why Germany lost the war was because they couldn't find the secret to penal battalions' resilience to wounds. Each and every one of them was shot for about 100 times, had at least one chunk of his face blown off, and participated in more fist fights than Mike Tyson. And yet, they never seemed to show any sign of scars, or disfigurement. Hell, not even time spent at the hospital!


Lesson number 9:

Hassel's boys served in every corned of Europe, every front, every major battle, every battlefield. Yes, that indicates they could also run at about 500 miles per hour speed. Amazing! Their presence even made the air force unnecesarry whenever they showed up. Sending penal battalions to do the job was enough of an overkill, according to German high command.


Lesson number 10:

After careful studying, it has been revealed to me that this is what the average German soldier from Hassel's battalion looked like during the 1940s.



All the lessons above are courtesy of Sven Hassel.

The most scarring moments in Metal

You know, even today, when I'm in my mid 20s, I still love to hear a good, brutal guitar solo. Funny thing, isn't it? Even tough I stopped being a "typical" Metalhead a few years ago, I still can't resist the raw power and awesomeness of a great Metal band. Oh sure, I never really abandoned my Metaldom, but I expected I'll kind of lose interest in it after years and years of listening to Manowar and other shit I literally used to live for. A man can only take so much, you know... But no, turns out that once you're into Metal, it's impossible to get out! What goes Metal, stays Metal, my friend...



Just look at Mille getting batshit on his guitar! Damn, I used to live for this shit!

Anyway, after a while, I decided to browse through my old collection of CDs, video tapes, magazine articles, DVDs and totally legally ripped music on my computer in order to dig out some of my ol' favorites. And sure, I DID dig up some awesome albums, music videos and T-shirts that are mostly too old and washed-out to actually wear. But fuck it, I was proud of it! So what could be wrong with it, you may ask...

Well, as you probably already guessed, there was a lot that was wrong with it. A hell of a lot! As I sat down and watched some of the old music videos I adored, and listened to my once-favorite bands, I suddenly had a revelation... and not in a biblical way!
I behold, and I saw, and I heard...
And I said "What the FUCK?!?!"

I might not have noticed it before, since I was firmly under the belief that my favorite Metal bands simply CANNOT do any wrong. But some of them really fucked up big time! Be it with shitty music, cheap music videos or generally by acting like assholes, these bands fucked up my belief in Metal so hard I actually cannot believe I didn't stand up and yelled "Bullshit!" the first time I witnessed it.
And I actually payed money for that... that's the saddest part.
So I have decided to create yet another unsexy list. A list of my favorite Metal bands that fucked me up real good. I'll avoid easy targets like Metallica and their "St. Anger" and Napster fiasco, or Saxon bitching over who the REAL Saxon is, and go straight for the throat. Get ready to have your faith in the awesomeness of Metal destroyed forever!

Warning: This post contains scenes that some readers may find disturbing. In order to minimize the damage, as well as to counter these gruesome images, I have included pictures of boobs and butts near every vomit-inducing image that may occur.


You can thank me later. So, without further delay, here we go...


1.) Nightwish replacing Tarja with a girl that is... well, Tarja!

You might be wondering why it's such a tragedy that one band changed a singer. After all, bands do that all the time. And it's not like Tarja was irreplaceable. She wasn't even hot, for Christ's sake! The story goes, Tarja turned into a real douchebag. Hey, shit happens... There was a big unsexy fight, angry letters, lots of crying, lots of douchebaggery, but in the end, Tarja left Nightwish. So the boys decided enough is enough, and hired a new singer. And it turned out to be a bad decision. Why? Well, take a look at this picture...



That's Anette. Now look at the picture of Tarja.



Notice anything strange? Some strange similarities, perhaps? Like the same kind of dress, same long black hair (a typical Metal girl haircut, if I may add...), same kind of jewelry and decorations, same pale white skin, same "Metal princess" attitude...
That's right, they replaced Tarja with a girl that isn't Tarja, but looks like Tarja, acts like Tarja, performs like Tarja, dresses like Tarja and has the same hair as Tarja. A girl that is not really Tarja, but is enough of a Tarja to pass off as a Tarja.

Holy shit, I just felt I'm going dizzy from all this... Tarja. Quick, gotta cure this Tarja infection with some boobs!



OK. I'm fine now. Let's get back on topic. First of all, fellows, if you wan't to replace your singer with someone new, then it's probably not the best idea to replace her with a person that looks and feels exactly like her. It kind of makes the whole replacement thing pointless. Especially if the new singer is the lame version of a previous one. Now, I don't think Anette is a TERRIBLE singer. She is simply BAD. Compared to Tarja, of course... And Tarja's opera-singing voice was the thing that made Nightwish special. Without a voice like that, they simply sound lame. Because let's face it, their music is really not THAT good. Especially the guitars. But we'll talk about it later... Let's just keep to the point. And the point is...

Was it SO FUCKING HARD to find another opera chick?!?! Even a bad one would be better then this crap!!!! Not to mention the fact that they completely destroyed their music by letting their douchebag bass player sing instead of her...



You monster!!!!!! You killed Nightwish!!!!!


2.) Manowar making a music video for 20$.

OK, you may say whatever the hell you want about Manowar, but those guys have some kickass songs. I used to listen to their stuff a lot when I was in high school, and they were my favorite Metal band for a while. Even today I still enjoy their music, even tough they REALLY need to find something new to sing about. And I mean REALLY!
Be that as it may, they were one of the best Metal bands I ever heard, and will always stay that way. But...



Oh... my... god!!!! What the HELL was I thinking?!?! I must've had a different idea about what "awesome" meant back then! OK, they look disguisting but their music is still good! That MUST count for something! Oh no! Gonna puke! Quick! I need my medicine!





Shit, that was a close call! It took a triple dose of TNA to prevent me from puking this time. So, let us continue... After they released "Warriors of the world" album (or before they released it, who gives a shit anyway) they also released "Warriors of the world united" music video. And that was the thing that made me lose all interest in them. I didn't realize it at the time, but soon after I saw that music video, I stopped listening to Manowar altogether. What they're up to now, I honestly couldn't give a shit about. Only recently have I realized why - that video was apparently made for 20$. Seriously, for five minutes we get to watch these guys play their instruments in some abandoned stone mine, all in black-and-white footage, dressed up as the guys from "Blue Oyster". I paid more money for the fucking CD! I want to see something that will blow my mind off, not 4 guys playing a song with 5$ worth of pyrotechnics in the background! Other bands at least put enough effort to hire somebody that makes a bad CGI video for them. Manowar didn't even bother with that, they just took a camera and shot the whole video in about an hour. There's a reson why demo bands make these kinds of videos, and that's because they DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY! And I hate that lameass amateur crap! So I don't want to see my favorite band doing the same thing!
Go ahead, imagine looking at this for about 5 minutes...


That's it! That's the whole fucking video! Oh sure, they would say that it's all about pure, raw Metal, and none of that fake action flick crap, but I'm honestly not buying it! It's not just this one particular video, it's their each and every music video I saw after that. Just four guys on stage, a few shots of the audience, tight leather clothing, and maybe a few boobs (OK, I admit that last thing is kind of awesome). There can only be 2 possible reasons for this. 1- they don't want to bother with making a decent video, they just want to shoot the damn thing and get back to their beer. Or 2 - they're such a fucking cheapskates they don't want to spend their fans' money (face it, all of their money comes from US) on making a decent video. Better to spend it on beer and leather vests, right? Way to go on giving your fans their money's worth, guys!

Speaking of which, have you even looked at Joey's photos lately? Here's one for you...



Oh my God, I think I can see his nuts!
Honestly, does this old man remind you of someone? Someone like...



I was just about to say that...
Here's something to help you recover.




3.) Lost Horizon getting K.I.A. after two albums

Honestly, in my long years of Metal fandom, few things have rocked my world as hard as Lost Horizon. Even the old Metalheads (who are in their 50s by now) said that the only "modern" Metal band they truely admire is Lost Horizon. Their music, their lyrics, their vocals... it's simply awesome! Just look at them! LOOK AT THEM!!!




You can imagine how I felt after they released their second album. It was like Christmas coming twice! And with their bragging about changeing the world with their music, awakening the minds of people, leading everything to Metal Utopia, and returning to the roots of Metal awesomeness, it was a sacreliege to think Lost Horizon was anything other then true Metal salvation. But then something horrible happened...

Lost Horizon somehow got killed in action. Literally and metaphorically. For reasons they didn't even bother to share with their fans, they just split up. First Wojtek Lisicki, a guitarist, left the band, then Daniel Heiman left it, then Wojtek returned again, then... ah, who gives a shit! The point is, they all started to act like douchebags. After two fucking albums! But hey, shit happens... it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't decide to act like a bunch of spoiled schoolgirls.
After they turned catshit on each other and started bickering, they didn't even want to tell their fans why they're doing it. I was into Lost Horizon pretty much back then, and I overheard some people saying that Daniel Heiman, the lead singer, went to start a new band, and didn't even want to talk about why he left Lost Horizon. "Hater" mode ON.

Seriously, Daniel?! You don't want to FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT?!?! What are you, fucking Sultan of fucking Brunei, so everybody has to put up with your shit without even QUESTIONING it?! You left the band that stormed the Metal world like a hurricane, a band that many people consider an important aspect of their lives (as weird as it may sound). We want some EXPLANATION about why you guys are shoving all our support and faith into our asses, because let me remind you... It's the FANS that pay for your goddamn CDs, therefore paying YOU to do your fucking JOB of being a fucking Lost Horizon singer! You OWE us an explanation! Same goes for you, Wojtek... You're both acting like schoolgirls! What, did Daniel steal your boyfriend or some shit, so you're not BFFs anymore?!

OK, that being said, I can just turn my "Hater" mode OFF, and continue with my blogging. After all that, I lost all interest in Lost Horizon, and Metal in general. It took me a while to recover. Hey, don't laugh, this is serious stuff! Anyway, to keep the hate infection from spreading, here's something to lift your spirits up!




Enjoy it! I know I will...

My teenage crushes - WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!

Ah, those beautiful teenage years...

Yeah, we all remember them. Who could forget those years when girls and music were the most important things in your life? I will always remember those years of being a rebel, and the way I spent all my extra money on beer and new CDs. And I will always remember my teenage crushes, which scarred me for life...

Hey, don't look at me like that! We all had our teenage crushes. For regular guys it usually meant the hottest girl in school, for jocks there were cheerleaders, and for girls whoever the hell was a teenage poster icon back then. And for the guys who were into Metal (such as myself), it was always some chick from some Metal band whose poster we had on our wall. Ah, the sweet, sweet teenage days...
Let's be honest, if you're into Metal, then your idea of a perfectl girl is some leather-bound vamp with tons of dark makeup and the voice of Sarah Jezebel Deva. A chick who will listen to Running Wild or Arch Enemy while you're having sex. Admit it, it has always been and always will be every Metalhead's fantasy. Hell, even today, when my taste in women is significantly different then it used to be in high school, I still want to find a chick like that whatever-her-name-is from Edenbridge or Lacuna Coil.


Go ahead, tell me this isn't hot... I fucking dare you!

OK, I'm pretty sure there was a lot of Photoshop involved with at least one of those two pictures. But never mind that, the fact is that the image of these girls (even with enough makeup to paint my entire house TWICE and more photoshopping then any LOLcat in history of time) is what teases our imagination, making us create a perfect girlfriend in our mind. You know, the one that won't scratch your eyes out if you say Backstreet Boys are fucking pussies... That would be really nice. Hell, as long as she's into Metal!
The point is, we all had a crush on our favorite Metal chick back in the day. And in my case, it scarred me for life after I realized they're mostly fuck ugly in real life. Chicks like

Tarja Turunen...



Oh, Tarja, what have you become... I'm not talking about the fact that you left Nightwish to sing some crappy acoustic shit, or the fact that you became a real diva (read: douchebag). I know you were never really a beauty, but goddammit! In the last years of my Nightwish fandom you turned form kind of a cute chubby girl into a plastic Barbie abomination. Your face turned into a grisly mask that awfully reminds me of a serial killer. The amount of makeup you wear is so excessive that even the most slutty Goth girl would say "Damn, that's a shitload of makeup!". But hey, I guess I really shouldn't complain, since everything was fine until recently... when I saw your first photos WITHOUT that same makeup. Like that picture above. I'm not saying you're ugly, you never were, but even I have to admit that you look EVEN MORE creepy without it. And I don't mean creepy in a good way...
So, Tarja, even tough you kind of disappointed me, you could still remain a Metalhead's fantasy, just don't take off your makeup... ever! Not even when you're washing your hair!
But hey, at least it can't get any worse for Nightwish. With Tarja gone, their next singer HAS to be hotter then her. I mean, it shouldn't be really hard to find a girl that is hotter then Tar...


AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!! TARJA, I'M SORRY!!!!! I'M SO SORRY!!!!! FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID!!!! PLEASE COME BACK TO FUCKING NIGHTWISH!!!! I'M BEGGING YOU!!!!!

OK, now that I calmed down a little bit, it's time to continue with my little list. And no, the next one isn't Anette, even tough she scares the shit out of me. Hey, what do you expect? She looks like a person who keeps a collection of her ex boyfriends' thumbs in her closet. No, the next lady I used to have hots for is no other then

Doro Pesch



I know, I know, Doro is kind of old. It's not really fair to compare her with girls nearly half her age. But fuck me if she wasn't one of the hottest women in Metal once! Hell, even today she's kind of a MILF! Just look at the picture above! She's freakin' awesome! Or at least she seems so in her music videos and album covers.

Actually, the first time I ever saw Doro was back in 2002, when I was at Gods Of Metal festival with my friend. She seemed kind of hot, wearing a leather top, long blonde hair waving in the wind, leather pants, rough sexy voice... that woman was like a wild animal! How hot is that?!?! If I was any closer to the stage, I probably would've had a boner the whole time she was singing!
But then, something happened...


This! This happened!

Holy shit, she's not a MILF! She's a fucking scarecrow! Fuck Photoshop! Even that didn't help her to look any better on this picture! If only she looked as good from two meters away as she did from two hundred meters away...
Turns out that even Metal chicks age as ungracefully as other people. And Doro is only one more proof of that. A proof that kicks you right in the nuts and laughs in your face as you lie on the ground vomiting.
And to think I actually had daydreams about her... GROSS!!!!!

But those two ladies are nothing compared to the next chick on my little unsexy list. Are you ready to be scarred for life?

Sarah Jezebel Deva



AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry, this happens every time I see her picture. Honestly, that chick is so ugly she scares me half to death.
So you're probalby wondering "What the fuck, man?!" right now. I know, I was surprised too. I didn't even know how the hell Sarah Jezebel Deva looks like until recently. Here's the catch...

You can say whatever the hell you want about Sarah Jezebel Deva, but that woman has some seriously sexy voice. And I grew up listening to Cradle Of Filth. Do the maths. With a voice like that, I simply assumed (all logic aside) that she was a real vamp.
I actually got my first Cradle Of Filth CD when I was 12. Don't ask me how I managed to get my hands on it, it was pure luck. In other words, I got my father to buy it for me as a birthday present. He didn't have any idea who the hell were these Cradle Of Filth guys, so you can't really blame him.



Ah, sweet memories of those summer days...

Anyway, as you can see, with a hot chick bathing in blood on the cover, and booklet filled with pictures of hot Gothic girls in sexy black gowns, it was hard to imagine that the band's female backup singer was anything other then steaming hot. In my head, I had a picture of a raven-haired seductress with Goth makeup and leather corset. And with the sexiest voice in the world, it was not hard for a teenager to imagine Sarah as a dark goddess of kinky Goth sex. Hell, with a voice like that, she was practically promising dark, sinfull pleasures to anyone who even stood within a hundred meters from her. That is, until I actually saw what she looked like... Don't get me wrong, I really love chubby girls, but this is waaaay too much!!! There's a golden limit for everything, dammit!
Thank you, Sarah! You were my teenage fantasy for years, but you simply couldn't resist crushing my dreams in the most sadistic way possible. Damn you, internet, for letting me see her picture! You could've just left me with her voice, and I'd be happy.. but noooooo!
Now I'll never believe in sexy Goth girls ever again!



"OK, maybe from this angle, at this light, with a lot of photoshopping, and if I just look the other way for a bit... Come on, it can't be THAT bad! I CAN'T GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS, DAMMIT!!!!!"

Girls: The good, the bad, and the not-so-ugly

I know all of you are probably thinking right now "Don't go there, man! Just don't go there!"
But what the hell, I'm gonna go there anyway! That's right, I'm going to talk about girls. Hey, it's cool, it's cool, I'm not gonna talk about my ex girlfriends or anything like that. Put the gun down, no need to panic... I'm just going to talk about something terrible that's been plagueing mankind for years now, and by "mankind" I mean mostly women. Nothing horrible, I promise. Do I have your attention yet? No?
How about now?


OK, now that I have your undivided attention, I can start talking about this another big important issue that's probably going to spell doom for mankind. How? Don't really know, to be honest. And no, it's not boobs, even tough I promise another picture of boobs if you manage to read this post all the way through to the end.

So, anyway...
Browsing the internet the other day, I couldn't help but notice a certain "funny" article about girls on dating sites, and how they use cameras and photoshop to make themselves look hot while they're, let's be honest, mostly a hideous overweight monsters that don't even resemble women. Hey, don't look at me like that, it's not my fault they're catshit ugly.
Well, MOST of them anyway... While looking at photos of other hideous fat baloons that somehow passed for girls, I also saw a picture of this girl. Behold...

OK, girl who is on the picture, if you're reading this, don't sue my ass off for putting your picture on my blog without your authorisation. I'm on your side here. You can thank me later.
Anyway, on the left there is a picture of this girl that she put on some dating site. On the right, it's her picture in real life, without makeup, camera tricks or photoshop. See the difference? Yeah, I can see it too, but that's not the point. The point is, everyone seems to percieve this girl as a fuck ugly overweight monster.

HOLD ON THERE JUST A MINUTE, DAMMIT!!!!

OK, I admit, she's not exactly Miss Universe. She's not beautiful in a way Angelina Jolie might be, but Jesus Christ, she's not ugly! Sure, she looks stunning on that photo on the left, but she's at least kind of cute on that photo on the right. As for her body, well, she is a bit chunky, I admit, but hey... she's not fat, dammit! That's a HUGE difference! Why am I making such a big deal out of this? Well, keep on reading, my friend...

Now let's be fair for one moment, how many chubby girls do you know? And how many of those girls are miserable because of the way they look? Because of their chubbyness and all, and generally being, you know... chubby? Exactly.
I know quite a few. And too often did I have to listen to them complaining about how "fat" they are, and how they must lose weight A.S.A.P. But girls, ladies... if you'd just stop crying your heads off over your reflection in the mirror and think - who the hell says you're fat?! Cosmo?! Fuck Cosmo! What about guys? What do they say? Ever tought of that? Sure, some men like skinny girls, some like chubby. To each his own, right? You can't please everyone... But there ARE a lot of guys who like girls with curves, not skinny spray-tanned Barbie dolls you see in Cosmo. So you got a few extra pounds! Big deal! Personally, I think that's kind of hot. No, seriously, I'm all into chubby girls. You can look me up on Facebook, ladies. Aaaaaanyway.... let's get back on topic!

OK then, let's analyze the picture of that girl above. So she has a few extra ponds, a teeny tiny bit of tummy (...sexy!), kind of big thighs (...holy shit, that's sexy!) and probably a big butt as well (holy cow, I'm melting!). Some men think that's unattractive, but I, for example, love all that. And she's also kind of cute, so that's a good thing as well. So, chunky, with curves, and cute face - that would be my ideal woman.

Why am I telling you this? Well, do the maths... there are approximately 3 billion men in the world. And if I like chunky girls, then it sure as hell means there are MORE guys out there who are just like me. Honestly, guys have all kinds of fetishes, and a lot of those fetishes don't fit in the social stereotypes that are forced onto us by Hollywood movies and magazines. A lot of guys won't even admit they have those little fetishes.
So ladies, next time some asshole calls you fat, just remember... one man's trash is another man's treasure! So don't kill yourselves with tortureous diets and let yourselves turn into skeletons. As long as you stay within the boundaries of what's good for your health, you can be as chubby as you want for all I (and many other guys) care. For the sake of us all, stop being slaves to fashion and let us decent men have the pleasure of meeting more curvy girls without the fear that they're gonna vomit their dinner on our first date just because some jock called her fat in high school.

OK, now as promised, another picture of boobs... Wait... you just wanted to see boobs? Well, I suppose so...
Oh, you didn't even bother to read this post? OK, OK... fine, have it your way. At least you can't say that I don't keep my promises.



Ya perverts...