I know I do. Especially when it's about sex, violence and blowing shit up with some badass firepower. So tell me this... is there anyone, and I mean ANYONE out there who is male, likes to read a good book, and DOESN'T love Sven Hassel? Didn't think so...
Just look at the covers! It's the ultimate men's book, especially in these harsh times of "Twilight", when each and every other book seems to be written specifically for 12-year-old girls.
As some of you might've guessed, I am a big Sven Hassel fan. And I mean REALLY big fan. I read "Wheels of Terror" when I was 12, and it's still one of my favorites. For those of you who still didn't read any of his books, please get into your car, drive to your local book shop as fast as you can, and buy at least 3 of his books. Don't worry about running over an old lady, she will understand. SHE READ SVEN HASSEL! In the meantime, let me give you a few hints about why exactly Sven Hassel stuff is the awesomest of the most awesome selection of awesome when it comes to books. And I'm talking about books from a book store that says "AWESOME ONLY" on it's door sign.
First of all, they're easy to read. Which makes them all the more fun right at the beginning. Unlike some fantasy books, or detective novels, Sven Hassel cuts right to the point, without any pointless crap such as "creating a fine atmosphere" by describing a pair of socks in 500 words. It's all about the characters, and what's going on around them. No point in describing the soldier's uniform, since we all know how the German soldier looked like back then. We've all seen "The Longest Day", for Christ's sake! It's the characters' personality that counts. And what characters they are, my friend! Believeable, charismatic and likeable. Next, we have a lots of fighting, lots of blood, lots of stuff getting blown up, lots of adrenaline, and lots of gruesome scenes. There's also a lot of profanities, lots of swearing, whoring, drinking, gambling... Hell, you have to love it! It's like a good action flick from the '90s... But then again, it's not really surprising either. I mean, just look at the guy!
This is the least cool picture of him I was able to find, so I guess that kind of speaks for itself...
Anyway, all those books were allegedly based on Hassel's real life experiences as a soldier. So that means a lot of characters are actually real people, who served alongside Hassel during the war. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, and I honestly couldn't give a shit either way. But I have to say, I find his books both fun AND educational at the same time. How is that possible, you may ask?
I consider myself a lot of things, but the one that kind of makes me proud of myself is my knowledge of history. Especially World War 2. In other words, I'm a history nerd...
And don't laugh!
Aaaaaanyways, as every good history geek, I was a bit surprised by Hassel's depiction of the most cataclysmic conflict in human history. No, really. It seemed a bit crazy at the beginning, but I actually learned a lot about the Second World War, as well as German soldiers in general. So get ready to have your minds blown off, my fellow history nerds, because you're about to get a history lesson from Sven Hassel!
So, let's get on with lesson number 1...
Lesson number 1:
The most elite units that German army had at it's disposal were the penal battalions. They could march for 2000 miles without any form of nutrition, except the occasional bottle of Vodka. The only times they actually ate something was when they had to show off for the readers, by getting drunk and eating like pigs. Also, they were extremely resilient to weather conditions. Where most people would lose a few toes due to the extreme below zero temperatures, the penal battalions got off just fine, without any health problems at all. They just kept fighting like Rambo on steroids after allegedly freezing to death for the last 20 pages.
Pictured above: The only nutrition that German penal battalions needed. Supplying them must've been really simple...
Lesson number 2:
Each and every soldier in the German army had a machine gun. Only few of them had submachine guns, and there were no rifles at all, except for the executions. They also carried about 50 hand grenades each, and were able to throw them at the distance of about 500 meters, busting bunkers, soldiers and tanks with them to smithereens. They were extremely skilled with flamethrowers, knives, shovels and rocks as well. They could throw knives at the distance of 200 meters, more or less, hitting a mosquito on their enemy's back. Even more, they seem to be able to transform all those vast amounts of Vodka into ammo, since they never had any troubles with ammo shortages. Maybe once or twice while they were in the tanks, but that was just a little bit of drama...
Lesson number 3:
The only tank penal battalions ever used was the Tiger 1. In fact, the only tank that the German army ever used during the war was Tiger 1. Surprising, eh? Those tanks were indestructible as well, and they were also used to ram the enemy tanks if out of ammo. You know, because of their superior speed, maneuverability, reliability...
Lesson number 4:
They were able to destroy each and every enemy tank with just one shot, wether it was by hitting them with their own tanks, grenades, bullets, flamethrowers, Molotov cocktails, rocks or their bare hands... Often standing right in front of a tank and waiting for it to get closer was the most successful strategy to blow it up. Even with a flamethrower. No, really. One of the characters once blew up a tank with only a flamethrower. The tank was destroyed in about 2 seconds. One shot, one kill. It was something like this...
Lesson number 5:
Penal battalions fought as both infantry AND tank crews. AND they were prison guards at their spare time. They were skilled mechanics and bomb disposal experts, just to keep that shit more interesting.
Lesson number 6:
Russian and American soldiers couldn't wait to abandon their comrades and get drunk with guys from the German penal battalions. Even if it means getting shot in the head afterwards.
Lesson number 7:
Hot women back then had nothing better to do then wait for some dirty grunt sentenced to service on the Eastern Front to come by, so they could have sex with him.
Lesson number 8:
Apparently, the only reason why Germany lost the war was because they couldn't find the secret to penal battalions' resilience to wounds. Each and every one of them was shot for about 100 times, had at least one chunk of his face blown off, and participated in more fist fights than Mike Tyson. And yet, they never seemed to show any sign of scars, or disfigurement. Hell, not even time spent at the hospital!
Lesson number 9:
Hassel's boys served in every corned of Europe, every front, every major battle, every battlefield. Yes, that indicates they could also run at about 500 miles per hour speed. Amazing! Their presence even made the air force unnecesarry whenever they showed up. Sending penal battalions to do the job was enough of an overkill, according to German high command.
Lesson number 10:
After careful studying, it has been revealed to me that this is what the average German soldier from Hassel's battalion looked like during the 1940s.
All the lessons above are courtesy of Sven Hassel.
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