Just look at Mille getting batshit on his guitar! Damn, I used to live for this shit!
Anyway, after a while, I decided to browse through my old collection of CDs, video tapes, magazine articles, DVDs and totally legally ripped music on my computer in order to dig out some of my ol' favorites. And sure, I DID dig up some awesome albums, music videos and T-shirts that are mostly too old and washed-out to actually wear. But fuck it, I was proud of it! So what could be wrong with it, you may ask...
Well, as you probably already guessed, there was a lot that was wrong with it. A hell of a lot! As I sat down and watched some of the old music videos I adored, and listened to my once-favorite bands, I suddenly had a revelation... and not in a biblical way!
I behold, and I saw, and I heard...
And I said "What the FUCK?!?!"
I might not have noticed it before, since I was firmly under the belief that my favorite Metal bands simply CANNOT do any wrong. But some of them really fucked up big time! Be it with shitty music, cheap music videos or generally by acting like assholes, these bands fucked up my belief in Metal so hard I actually cannot believe I didn't stand up and yelled "Bullshit!" the first time I witnessed it.
And I actually payed money for that... that's the saddest part.
So I have decided to create yet another unsexy list. A list of my favorite Metal bands that fucked me up real good. I'll avoid easy targets like Metallica and their "St. Anger" and Napster fiasco, or Saxon bitching over who the REAL Saxon is, and go straight for the throat. Get ready to have your faith in the awesomeness of Metal destroyed forever!
Warning: This post contains scenes that some readers may find disturbing. In order to minimize the damage, as well as to counter these gruesome images, I have included pictures of boobs and butts near every vomit-inducing image that may occur.
You can thank me later. So, without further delay, here we go...
1.) Nightwish replacing Tarja with a girl that is... well, Tarja!
You might be wondering why it's such a tragedy that one band changed a singer. After all, bands do that all the time. And it's not like Tarja was irreplaceable. She wasn't even hot, for Christ's sake! The story goes, Tarja turned into a real douchebag. Hey, shit happens... There was a big unsexy fight, angry letters, lots of crying, lots of douchebaggery, but in the end, Tarja left Nightwish. So the boys decided enough is enough, and hired a new singer. And it turned out to be a bad decision. Why? Well, take a look at this picture...
That's Anette. Now look at the picture of Tarja.
Notice anything strange? Some strange similarities, perhaps? Like the same kind of dress, same long black hair (a typical Metal girl haircut, if I may add...), same kind of jewelry and decorations, same pale white skin, same "Metal princess" attitude...
That's right, they replaced Tarja with a girl that isn't Tarja, but looks like Tarja, acts like Tarja, performs like Tarja, dresses like Tarja and has the same hair as Tarja. A girl that is not really Tarja, but is enough of a Tarja to pass off as a Tarja.
Holy shit, I just felt I'm going dizzy from all this... Tarja. Quick, gotta cure this Tarja infection with some boobs!
OK. I'm fine now. Let's get back on topic. First of all, fellows, if you wan't to replace your singer with someone new, then it's probably not the best idea to replace her with a person that looks and feels exactly like her. It kind of makes the whole replacement thing pointless. Especially if the new singer is the lame version of a previous one. Now, I don't think Anette is a TERRIBLE singer. She is simply BAD. Compared to Tarja, of course... And Tarja's opera-singing voice was the thing that made Nightwish special. Without a voice like that, they simply sound lame. Because let's face it, their music is really not THAT good. Especially the guitars. But we'll talk about it later... Let's just keep to the point. And the point is...
Was it SO FUCKING HARD to find another opera chick?!?! Even a bad one would be better then this crap!!!! Not to mention the fact that they completely destroyed their music by letting their douchebag bass player sing instead of her...
You monster!!!!!! You killed Nightwish!!!!!
2.) Manowar making a music video for 20$.
OK, you may say whatever the hell you want about Manowar, but those guys have some kickass songs. I used to listen to their stuff a lot when I was in high school, and they were my favorite Metal band for a while. Even today I still enjoy their music, even tough they REALLY need to find something new to sing about. And I mean REALLY!
Be that as it may, they were one of the best Metal bands I ever heard, and will always stay that way. But...
Oh... my... god!!!! What the HELL was I thinking?!?! I must've had a different idea about what "awesome" meant back then! OK, they look disguisting but their music is still good! That MUST count for something! Oh no! Gonna puke! Quick! I need my medicine!
Shit, that was a close call! It took a triple dose of TNA to prevent me from puking this time. So, let us continue... After they released "Warriors of the world" album (or before they released it, who gives a shit anyway) they also released "Warriors of the world united" music video. And that was the thing that made me lose all interest in them. I didn't realize it at the time, but soon after I saw that music video, I stopped listening to Manowar altogether. What they're up to now, I honestly couldn't give a shit about. Only recently have I realized why - that video was apparently made for 20$. Seriously, for five minutes we get to watch these guys play their instruments in some abandoned stone mine, all in black-and-white footage, dressed up as the guys from "Blue Oyster". I paid more money for the fucking CD! I want to see something that will blow my mind off, not 4 guys playing a song with 5$ worth of pyrotechnics in the background! Other bands at least put enough effort to hire somebody that makes a bad CGI video for them. Manowar didn't even bother with that, they just took a camera and shot the whole video in about an hour. There's a reson why demo bands make these kinds of videos, and that's because they DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY! And I hate that lameass amateur crap! So I don't want to see my favorite band doing the same thing!
Go ahead, imagine looking at this for about 5 minutes...
That's it! That's the whole fucking video! Oh sure, they would say that it's all about pure, raw Metal, and none of that fake action flick crap, but I'm honestly not buying it! It's not just this one particular video, it's their each and every music video I saw after that. Just four guys on stage, a few shots of the audience, tight leather clothing, and maybe a few boobs (OK, I admit that last thing is kind of awesome). There can only be 2 possible reasons for this. 1- they don't want to bother with making a decent video, they just want to shoot the damn thing and get back to their beer. Or 2 - they're such a fucking cheapskates they don't want to spend their fans' money (face it, all of their money comes from US) on making a decent video. Better to spend it on beer and leather vests, right? Way to go on giving your fans their money's worth, guys!
Speaking of which, have you even looked at Joey's photos lately? Here's one for you...
Oh my God, I think I can see his nuts!
Honestly, does this old man remind you of someone? Someone like...
I was just about to say that...
Here's something to help you recover.
3.) Lost Horizon getting K.I.A. after two albums
Honestly, in my long years of Metal fandom, few things have rocked my world as hard as Lost Horizon. Even the old Metalheads (who are in their 50s by now) said that the only "modern" Metal band they truely admire is Lost Horizon. Their music, their lyrics, their vocals... it's simply awesome! Just look at them! LOOK AT THEM!!!
You can imagine how I felt after they released their second album. It was like Christmas coming twice! And with their bragging about changeing the world with their music, awakening the minds of people, leading everything to Metal Utopia, and returning to the roots of Metal awesomeness, it was a sacreliege to think Lost Horizon was anything other then true Metal salvation. But then something horrible happened...
Lost Horizon somehow got killed in action. Literally and metaphorically. For reasons they didn't even bother to share with their fans, they just split up. First Wojtek Lisicki, a guitarist, left the band, then Daniel Heiman left it, then Wojtek returned again, then... ah, who gives a shit! The point is, they all started to act like douchebags. After two fucking albums! But hey, shit happens... it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't decide to act like a bunch of spoiled schoolgirls.
After they turned catshit on each other and started bickering, they didn't even want to tell their fans why they're doing it. I was into Lost Horizon pretty much back then, and I overheard some people saying that Daniel Heiman, the lead singer, went to start a new band, and didn't even want to talk about why he left Lost Horizon. "Hater" mode ON.
Seriously, Daniel?! You don't want to FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT?!?! What are you, fucking Sultan of fucking Brunei, so everybody has to put up with your shit without even QUESTIONING it?! You left the band that stormed the Metal world like a hurricane, a band that many people consider an important aspect of their lives (as weird as it may sound). We want some EXPLANATION about why you guys are shoving all our support and faith into our asses, because let me remind you... It's the FANS that pay for your goddamn CDs, therefore paying YOU to do your fucking JOB of being a fucking Lost Horizon singer! You OWE us an explanation! Same goes for you, Wojtek... You're both acting like schoolgirls! What, did Daniel steal your boyfriend or some shit, so you're not BFFs anymore?!
OK, that being said, I can just turn my "Hater" mode OFF, and continue with my blogging. After all that, I lost all interest in Lost Horizon, and Metal in general. It took me a while to recover. Hey, don't laugh, this is serious stuff! Anyway, to keep the hate infection from spreading, here's something to lift your spirits up!
Enjoy it! I know I will...
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