My teenage crushes - WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!

Ah, those beautiful teenage years...

Yeah, we all remember them. Who could forget those years when girls and music were the most important things in your life? I will always remember those years of being a rebel, and the way I spent all my extra money on beer and new CDs. And I will always remember my teenage crushes, which scarred me for life...

Hey, don't look at me like that! We all had our teenage crushes. For regular guys it usually meant the hottest girl in school, for jocks there were cheerleaders, and for girls whoever the hell was a teenage poster icon back then. And for the guys who were into Metal (such as myself), it was always some chick from some Metal band whose poster we had on our wall. Ah, the sweet, sweet teenage days...
Let's be honest, if you're into Metal, then your idea of a perfectl girl is some leather-bound vamp with tons of dark makeup and the voice of Sarah Jezebel Deva. A chick who will listen to Running Wild or Arch Enemy while you're having sex. Admit it, it has always been and always will be every Metalhead's fantasy. Hell, even today, when my taste in women is significantly different then it used to be in high school, I still want to find a chick like that whatever-her-name-is from Edenbridge or Lacuna Coil.


Go ahead, tell me this isn't hot... I fucking dare you!

OK, I'm pretty sure there was a lot of Photoshop involved with at least one of those two pictures. But never mind that, the fact is that the image of these girls (even with enough makeup to paint my entire house TWICE and more photoshopping then any LOLcat in history of time) is what teases our imagination, making us create a perfect girlfriend in our mind. You know, the one that won't scratch your eyes out if you say Backstreet Boys are fucking pussies... That would be really nice. Hell, as long as she's into Metal!
The point is, we all had a crush on our favorite Metal chick back in the day. And in my case, it scarred me for life after I realized they're mostly fuck ugly in real life. Chicks like

Tarja Turunen...



Oh, Tarja, what have you become... I'm not talking about the fact that you left Nightwish to sing some crappy acoustic shit, or the fact that you became a real diva (read: douchebag). I know you were never really a beauty, but goddammit! In the last years of my Nightwish fandom you turned form kind of a cute chubby girl into a plastic Barbie abomination. Your face turned into a grisly mask that awfully reminds me of a serial killer. The amount of makeup you wear is so excessive that even the most slutty Goth girl would say "Damn, that's a shitload of makeup!". But hey, I guess I really shouldn't complain, since everything was fine until recently... when I saw your first photos WITHOUT that same makeup. Like that picture above. I'm not saying you're ugly, you never were, but even I have to admit that you look EVEN MORE creepy without it. And I don't mean creepy in a good way...
So, Tarja, even tough you kind of disappointed me, you could still remain a Metalhead's fantasy, just don't take off your makeup... ever! Not even when you're washing your hair!
But hey, at least it can't get any worse for Nightwish. With Tarja gone, their next singer HAS to be hotter then her. I mean, it shouldn't be really hard to find a girl that is hotter then Tar...


AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!! TARJA, I'M SORRY!!!!! I'M SO SORRY!!!!! FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID!!!! PLEASE COME BACK TO FUCKING NIGHTWISH!!!! I'M BEGGING YOU!!!!!

OK, now that I calmed down a little bit, it's time to continue with my little list. And no, the next one isn't Anette, even tough she scares the shit out of me. Hey, what do you expect? She looks like a person who keeps a collection of her ex boyfriends' thumbs in her closet. No, the next lady I used to have hots for is no other then

Doro Pesch



I know, I know, Doro is kind of old. It's not really fair to compare her with girls nearly half her age. But fuck me if she wasn't one of the hottest women in Metal once! Hell, even today she's kind of a MILF! Just look at the picture above! She's freakin' awesome! Or at least she seems so in her music videos and album covers.

Actually, the first time I ever saw Doro was back in 2002, when I was at Gods Of Metal festival with my friend. She seemed kind of hot, wearing a leather top, long blonde hair waving in the wind, leather pants, rough sexy voice... that woman was like a wild animal! How hot is that?!?! If I was any closer to the stage, I probably would've had a boner the whole time she was singing!
But then, something happened...


This! This happened!

Holy shit, she's not a MILF! She's a fucking scarecrow! Fuck Photoshop! Even that didn't help her to look any better on this picture! If only she looked as good from two meters away as she did from two hundred meters away...
Turns out that even Metal chicks age as ungracefully as other people. And Doro is only one more proof of that. A proof that kicks you right in the nuts and laughs in your face as you lie on the ground vomiting.
And to think I actually had daydreams about her... GROSS!!!!!

But those two ladies are nothing compared to the next chick on my little unsexy list. Are you ready to be scarred for life?

Sarah Jezebel Deva



AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry, this happens every time I see her picture. Honestly, that chick is so ugly she scares me half to death.
So you're probalby wondering "What the fuck, man?!" right now. I know, I was surprised too. I didn't even know how the hell Sarah Jezebel Deva looks like until recently. Here's the catch...

You can say whatever the hell you want about Sarah Jezebel Deva, but that woman has some seriously sexy voice. And I grew up listening to Cradle Of Filth. Do the maths. With a voice like that, I simply assumed (all logic aside) that she was a real vamp.
I actually got my first Cradle Of Filth CD when I was 12. Don't ask me how I managed to get my hands on it, it was pure luck. In other words, I got my father to buy it for me as a birthday present. He didn't have any idea who the hell were these Cradle Of Filth guys, so you can't really blame him.



Ah, sweet memories of those summer days...

Anyway, as you can see, with a hot chick bathing in blood on the cover, and booklet filled with pictures of hot Gothic girls in sexy black gowns, it was hard to imagine that the band's female backup singer was anything other then steaming hot. In my head, I had a picture of a raven-haired seductress with Goth makeup and leather corset. And with the sexiest voice in the world, it was not hard for a teenager to imagine Sarah as a dark goddess of kinky Goth sex. Hell, with a voice like that, she was practically promising dark, sinfull pleasures to anyone who even stood within a hundred meters from her. That is, until I actually saw what she looked like... Don't get me wrong, I really love chubby girls, but this is waaaay too much!!! There's a golden limit for everything, dammit!
Thank you, Sarah! You were my teenage fantasy for years, but you simply couldn't resist crushing my dreams in the most sadistic way possible. Damn you, internet, for letting me see her picture! You could've just left me with her voice, and I'd be happy.. but noooooo!
Now I'll never believe in sexy Goth girls ever again!



"OK, maybe from this angle, at this light, with a lot of photoshopping, and if I just look the other way for a bit... Come on, it can't be THAT bad! I CAN'T GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS, DAMMIT!!!!!"

Girls: The good, the bad, and the not-so-ugly

I know all of you are probably thinking right now "Don't go there, man! Just don't go there!"
But what the hell, I'm gonna go there anyway! That's right, I'm going to talk about girls. Hey, it's cool, it's cool, I'm not gonna talk about my ex girlfriends or anything like that. Put the gun down, no need to panic... I'm just going to talk about something terrible that's been plagueing mankind for years now, and by "mankind" I mean mostly women. Nothing horrible, I promise. Do I have your attention yet? No?
How about now?


OK, now that I have your undivided attention, I can start talking about this another big important issue that's probably going to spell doom for mankind. How? Don't really know, to be honest. And no, it's not boobs, even tough I promise another picture of boobs if you manage to read this post all the way through to the end.

So, anyway...
Browsing the internet the other day, I couldn't help but notice a certain "funny" article about girls on dating sites, and how they use cameras and photoshop to make themselves look hot while they're, let's be honest, mostly a hideous overweight monsters that don't even resemble women. Hey, don't look at me like that, it's not my fault they're catshit ugly.
Well, MOST of them anyway... While looking at photos of other hideous fat baloons that somehow passed for girls, I also saw a picture of this girl. Behold...

OK, girl who is on the picture, if you're reading this, don't sue my ass off for putting your picture on my blog without your authorisation. I'm on your side here. You can thank me later.
Anyway, on the left there is a picture of this girl that she put on some dating site. On the right, it's her picture in real life, without makeup, camera tricks or photoshop. See the difference? Yeah, I can see it too, but that's not the point. The point is, everyone seems to percieve this girl as a fuck ugly overweight monster.

HOLD ON THERE JUST A MINUTE, DAMMIT!!!!

OK, I admit, she's not exactly Miss Universe. She's not beautiful in a way Angelina Jolie might be, but Jesus Christ, she's not ugly! Sure, she looks stunning on that photo on the left, but she's at least kind of cute on that photo on the right. As for her body, well, she is a bit chunky, I admit, but hey... she's not fat, dammit! That's a HUGE difference! Why am I making such a big deal out of this? Well, keep on reading, my friend...

Now let's be fair for one moment, how many chubby girls do you know? And how many of those girls are miserable because of the way they look? Because of their chubbyness and all, and generally being, you know... chubby? Exactly.
I know quite a few. And too often did I have to listen to them complaining about how "fat" they are, and how they must lose weight A.S.A.P. But girls, ladies... if you'd just stop crying your heads off over your reflection in the mirror and think - who the hell says you're fat?! Cosmo?! Fuck Cosmo! What about guys? What do they say? Ever tought of that? Sure, some men like skinny girls, some like chubby. To each his own, right? You can't please everyone... But there ARE a lot of guys who like girls with curves, not skinny spray-tanned Barbie dolls you see in Cosmo. So you got a few extra pounds! Big deal! Personally, I think that's kind of hot. No, seriously, I'm all into chubby girls. You can look me up on Facebook, ladies. Aaaaaanyway.... let's get back on topic!

OK then, let's analyze the picture of that girl above. So she has a few extra ponds, a teeny tiny bit of tummy (...sexy!), kind of big thighs (...holy shit, that's sexy!) and probably a big butt as well (holy cow, I'm melting!). Some men think that's unattractive, but I, for example, love all that. And she's also kind of cute, so that's a good thing as well. So, chunky, with curves, and cute face - that would be my ideal woman.

Why am I telling you this? Well, do the maths... there are approximately 3 billion men in the world. And if I like chunky girls, then it sure as hell means there are MORE guys out there who are just like me. Honestly, guys have all kinds of fetishes, and a lot of those fetishes don't fit in the social stereotypes that are forced onto us by Hollywood movies and magazines. A lot of guys won't even admit they have those little fetishes.
So ladies, next time some asshole calls you fat, just remember... one man's trash is another man's treasure! So don't kill yourselves with tortureous diets and let yourselves turn into skeletons. As long as you stay within the boundaries of what's good for your health, you can be as chubby as you want for all I (and many other guys) care. For the sake of us all, stop being slaves to fashion and let us decent men have the pleasure of meeting more curvy girls without the fear that they're gonna vomit their dinner on our first date just because some jock called her fat in high school.

OK, now as promised, another picture of boobs... Wait... you just wanted to see boobs? Well, I suppose so...
Oh, you didn't even bother to read this post? OK, OK... fine, have it your way. At least you can't say that I don't keep my promises.



Ya perverts...