The best and the worst time to be a Metalhead (continued)

In case you didn't read my previous post about this subject, there was a cute little article I wrote about what was it like to be a Metalhead during my teenage years. There were great things, there were bad things, but most of all, there were things so rediculous it makes me wonder how the hell I managed to keep my head from exploding.

Sure, we had great concept albums and side projects from famous Metal musicians. But we also had "Nu Metal plague", that lame Blind Guardian opera album that raped my ears and we had Sarah Jezebel Deva who just... well... raped my eyes.



What has been seen, cannot be unseen...

We had a lot of great stuff, sure. But we also had a lot of crap. For every time I teased my friend about looking EXACTLY like MortIIs over a keg of beer, I also got to sit and listen to some crappy Nu Metal douche band that my other friend described as "Melodic Death Metal" for some reason. Yeah, in case you're wondering, my gang was pretty weird back then...



Also, I had a friend who looked like this guy. Good luck trying to get that image out of your head.

So, anyway, the last time I talked about some things I had to experience as a young Metalhead. This time, I'm going to do the same, only I'm gonna talk about OTHER stuff that made me both love and hate Metal. Don't worry, I'm not a complete monster. There will be pictures of boobs in this article, since I'm fully aware of the fact that the last two photos probably already scarred you for life. So, here we go...



No need to thank me.

So, first let's hear about some bad things. As everyone else on this planet, I sometimes enjoy browsing through my old collection of still surviving CDs and video tapes, just to remember what it was like back then. It's kind of my thing. Listening to old Metal albums I spent all my money on curled up near a fireplace with a cup of hot coffee. You know... macho stuff. Anyways. And more often then not, I stumble upon some weird collection of "What the fuckin' FUCK?!?!" I never even realized was there in the first place.

Or at least I didn't think it was rediculous back then. Seriously, it would be funny if I didn't actually pay money for it. I'm talking about jewels like...



This!

Holy shit, what was I thinking back then?! As some of you might know, I'm a huge Blind Guardian fan. Seriously. I think their music is really unique, a combination of Power and Thrash Metal with unique vocals and fantasy themed lyrics. It's what Lord Of The Rings movie would be like if a Metalhead filmed it. And even more so, these guys have an entire album dedicated to fictional history of Middle-Earth. Beat THAT, Dungeons & Dragons geeks! But... after a series of kickass awesome albums they decided to flush it all down the toilet and make a Metal Opera album. So how did that turn out?

Well, imagine a mess of loud noises, dominated mostly by squeaky and incoherent guitar solos and a bunch of guys singing in squeaky voices. Oh, and Hansi? The lead singer? Yeah, he also sounds like a Japanese schoolgirl getting a tentacle shoved up her ass. And the lyrics?

"Son of man (You truly are mine)
Can't stand the pain
No more grief and misery
It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on

Father stop it now
We must stop it now

You really think you are half way up
I would not mind if you were right (It's not sure)

I'd rather say you are half way down
So I am going to help you if I can"

Did you make any sense of that? Me neither. If you were able to successfully imagine what this album sounds like, you should have a tiny stream of blood coming out of your ears, nose and eyes. To add insult to injury, after hearing some boring as hell songs they released after this abysmal album, they managed to convince me to give up on them completely.


Next, we have Nightwish. Ah, the very precious Nightwish. Really, I love those guys! I mean, how can you NOT love Nightwish?! Seriously, can you think of any other Metal band that combines all these characters in one place? Just look at them...



We have the whole package here! Captain Jack Sparrow on the keyboards. A chick who looks like the sum of all my childhood fears on the microphone. A kindergarten kid with a guitar. A viking wannabe on the bass (who kind of gives away the impression that Hannah Montana could open up a can of Krav Maga on his ass and then brag about it). And a guy with a pink headwrap as a drummer. Tell me, did you ever hear anything screaming "Metal!" louder then this?

But be that as it may, I always liked them for their melodic, catchy songs. Not brutal guitar riffs. Not wild solos. But simply because their songs were pleasant to my ears. Period.
So what happened next?



They decided to fuck it all up and go "Heavy". That's right, even tough their guitar riffs sound like an elephant farting into the speakerphone. No melodic songs, no catchy tunes, no romantic undertones... just some stupidass riffing. With zero solos, and even worse drumming skills. They fucked up everything that was good about them. And exaggerated everything that was bad, but nobody noticed before. It's no surprise that the shit hit the fan after this album and Nightwish got K.I.A.

OK, that's two out of five of my favorite bands destroyed. I think that's enough for now. So what about the good things? Well, how about saving us from becoming fatasses? You can thank Tankard for that...



Hey, I won't deny that Tankard has the best life philosophy ever. Judging by their songs, these guys found a perfect recipe for happiness. Eat crappy food, drink beer, get fat and don't give a shit about anything else. Sounds like every man's dream, right? Hell, their songs were like hymns to us on our every guys' night out.

But as you get older and lamer, like I do, you kind of look at all that from a different perspective and one day you just think "Ooops! Maybe those guys WEREN'T the wisest men on Earth!"



Yeah, how could this guy be wrong? Look at him!

Just like Nightwish unintentionally taught me "Don't wear mascara, it makes you look stupid.", Tankard taught me "Don't drink beer like a goddamn idiot all the time, it will make you look like us.". In other words, it saved me from turning into a greasy blob of fat and beer belly. Don't believe me? It was only after I noticed I was beginning to look like Tankard's lead singer that I realized that shit wasn't funny anymore. Being drunk every day also didn't help much. So I decided to fuck that shit, and went back to gym and soft energy drinks.

"Yeah, that's REALLY what Metal is all about, douchebag!" you might think with your usual tons of sarcasm, followed by rolling your eyes. But let me explain...

Hot girls are not into Metal. Period. They were for a short while, when Metal became popular again, but those are were all easy come-easy go girls anyway. Nowadays, they're mildly attractive at best. Fuck ugly at worst. And those that are hot, well... you think you can turn her on with a beer belly? Heh, good luck with that! As for me, I'll take working on my biceps over a beer belly any day now, thank you very much...

Oh, and here's something to help you recover from this article...



Stay tuned for more, as soon as I think of what to write about next...

Hurrah! Hollywood has redeemed itself!

Rejoice, my fellow men, for everything is not lost! I know, it's downright weird for me to praise something on a blog created entirely for the sole purpose of telling everyone how shitty things became over the years, but... I guess I'll just have to make a compromise. This time.

So, be that as it may, let us first make a few things clear...The reason why I was so pissed off at Hollywood was simply because I had to see action films turning from this...



...into this.



Seriously, Hollywood?! Ben Affleck? Alicia Keys? Are you FUCKING KIDDING me?!?! What is this, an MTV music video?!

And "Smokin' Aces" is only one example of Hollywood's retardedness. Not only was their selection of actors simply horrible, the entire plot of the film is completely stupid. And I don't mean stupid in a cool way. Sure, there are a few cool scenes, but that's not enough, especially when the whole movie simply looks and feels like a music video. Or, better to say, a shitty attempt by faggy, coked-up MTV producers at being "gritty" and "edgy".

I mean, what would you say about an ugly black chick taking a Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle and saying "I'm a gonna bring out the Big Momma, yo!"... And she's saying it with the shittiest MTV black slang you can think of... In a fucking action movie! Sorry, Hollywood, but two sassy black girlfriends simply don't make a very cool badass hitmen.

Want more? How about this?



It's a big budget movie based on some real events that took place during the Crusades. With Orlando Bloom as a main hero. Orlando. Fucking. Bloom.

If that was, say, Dolph Lundgren instead of Bloom, it could've been a kickass movie. Seriously. Lundgren is a well-known action hero. He's tall, he's buffed, and he has that gritty, no-nonesense tough guy appearence. Which would be perfect for that movie, considering it's set in the most violent period of human history. A period where men simply HAD to be badass in order to survive, let alone lead the whole armies.



This is an action hero. Big, strong, deep macho voice, scary eyes, generally intimidating, not Orlando Bloom...
Take notes, Hollywood!

OK, I think you got the picture...

After all the movies mentioned above, it was really hard for me to believe I would ever see anything badass made by hollywood again. But I was wrong. Here are a few kickass, pants-shitting AWESOME action films that prove there is hope left for us. After all the comic book movies and sequels to comic book movies we had to put up with, there are cool action flicks to enjoy. Flicks like...


Terminator: Salvation



Oh, that's just what the world needs... another "Terminator" movie. Or at least that's what I tought. Don't get me wrong, I freakin' love "Terminator", but after the second film, things simply started to look rediculous. And to add insult to injury, we also got "Sarah Connor chronicles", a TV show that raped all my senses more then the new "Twilight" trailer. Seriously, after seeing only one episode of that crap, I ended up on the floor, my body unable to move due to the severe shock of seeing my childhood heroes turning into extras from "Dawson's Creek".

If the paramedics hadn't put "Rambo 3" on as soon as they realized what happened to me, I probably wouldn't be alive today.

So, thanks to those guys, I am able to tell you about "Terminator 4". If you know anything about the first 3 movies, then you know all about the entire franchise not making any goddamn sense. But let's say it does, and that the famous "Judgement Day" actually happened. Well, this is where the movie takes place. In the middle of a war between man and machine. Unfortunately, there's no Arnie this time, but at Least we got Christian Bale as John Connor. That's right, this guy... a freakin' Cleric Preston!



Think it's no big deal? Well, if "Sarah Connor Chronicles" hadn't been axed after only one season, we would've ended up with this guy...



Instead of a guy genetically engineered to fuck every woman on the planet, we could've ended up with some emo kid with daddy issues, crazy mom and robot girlfriend he can't even have sex with. So don't complain!

Besides, there's enough shit blowing up in this movie I'm surprised they didn't call it "Christian Bale: Blowing Shit Up". Which is exactly what we wanted but didn't get in the previous action movies we were fed up with after the '90s. The first time we see Bale in this movie is when he lands a freakin' helicopter on a killer robot's head and fires a burst of rounds into his skull.



Can you tell me how many bullet holes do you see on this picture? Of course not, that's because there's one in your head right now. You just don't know it yet. Christian Bale is such a badass even his picture can kill you. Edward Furlong tried to teach the Terminator how to love. Christian Bale shoots them in the fucking head.

I don't care how stupid the story is, there's enough badass action in this movie I'm willing to call bullshit on anyone who claims Bale is not tougher then an entire army of Jedi knights with miniguns. Every few seconds there's at least one big explosion, and I'm willing to bet my year's salary that the director had to do his job from a concrete bunker. Unfortunately, there's no nudity in this film, but who gives a damn? They fired more bullets then the entire Red Army in WW2, and that's pretty awesome shit. If this is where the "Terminator" franchise is going, then count me right in! But that's not the only movie I'm happy about.

There's also


Universal Soldier: Regeneration



Holy shit, NOW we're talking!

Have you seen the first "Universal Soldier"? Doesn't matter, this movie is gonna blow your mind anyway.

It takes place at Chernobyl, which is taken over by some evil terrorists and set to blow the fuck up in 36 hours. So in order to solve the crisis the U.S. and the Russians send in a squad of zombie Karate super soldiers armed with big ass guns.

This shit sounds so exciting I think I just peed a little. And when even that fails, they send in Van Damme.



The guy once ate a fucking rattlesnake! A real LIVE rattlesnake! What chance do you think YOU have?

Well, lucky for us, he's on our side.
After some enormously bloody scenes they pull him off of his rehabilitation program, give him some guns and... they simply let him loose on Chernobyl. There's a 5 minutes long, uninterrupted scene of Van Damme bursting into an enemy base and, with chunks of rattlesnake probably still in his mouth, killing a shitload of them. In the most gruesome and bloody way you could imagine.

There's so much blood in this movie I seriously doubt even 5000 human bodies could hold that much of it. Oh, and did I mention there's also Dolph Lundgren in this movie? And Andrei Arlovski? You know, that Russian MMA fighter, big as a truck, likes to eat bears for breakfast? This guy is so brutal, I don't even think he was acting, I think he was really punching those dudes in front of the cameras.

Seriously, can you even tell the difference?





I sure as hell can't...

This guy beats up people so badly that, if they survive by any chance, their grandchildren will be born with bruised heads and fractured limbs. You can just add "Making a fight scene with Andrei Arlovski" on the top of your "Worst jobs ever" list and call it a day. This movie was so great I didn't even mind skipping sex in order to see it. On a freakin' Valentine's day!

And the coolest thing yet? I can SMELL the sequel coming up. The ending scene made sure of that.


Rambo 4



The entire film is just Stallone cutting guys in half with knives, machine guns and his bare hands. There's enought blood to fill up 10 swimming pools, and more then enough guts to feed an entire nation. FOR TWO YEARS.

What, didn't you hear me? I said Stallone cutting dudes in half with a machine gun! I don't know about you, but I just had an orgasm...

Why I'm looking forward to our dystopian future (thanks to Hollywood)

As you probably already know, SF flicks have often fed us enough bullshit to fill up a swimming pool. And since most of those flicks take place in the near (or distant) future of human race, it's no surprise we were fed up a lot of crap about how our future will turn out to be. Sure, we were dissapointed when we realized that flying skateboards will NOT be available by 1999, or that we will never have flying cars, but come on! Those things were utterly retarded from the start, and nobody believed that was possible anyway. Wishful thinking is one thing. BELIEVING something would actually happen is completely different.
Despite SF flicks, I kind of knew, even as a kid, that the Terminator will not come back to protect me from my future enemies, and that I will never battle space pirates with laser guns.

But we also had those cool "dark future" flicks that were supposed to tell us how fucked up our future might be if we don't behave like good boys. And by "dark" I mean "Completely cock-smashing AWESOME!!!". In some cases, those visions of our future seemed even plausible, altou not very likely to happen.

No, I'm not talking about zombie apocalypse, because that's a complete bullshit.



Come on, zombies aren't real! Let's face it, despite all the "zombie hype" of the recent years, they're nothing more then fictional monsters created for the sole purpose of criticizing human society. Depending on what's fashionable to criticize this week by a bunch of Indie-loving, tofu-munching hipster douchebags. It's either mindless consumerism ("Dawn Of The Dead"), camera whoring ("Diary Of The Dead"), retardedness of the army ("28 Weeks Later"), or general retardedness of the retarded ("Land Of The Dead"). Be that as it may... zombies aren't fucking real, and they never will be!



Sorry, guys, not this time...

And I'm not talking about a Terminator-style "super-intelligent computer destroys mankind because we're assholes" either. In a world where my pixel enemies from an FPS game are so fucktarded they constantly run into walls, while ignoring their mate who just had his head blown off 2 meters away from him... Well, let's just say that "humans creating intelligent artificial intelligence" scenario seems not only highly unlikely, but completely idiotic.



Yeah, I don't really think we'll ever be able to see that either, but what the hell... It was a cool movie.

I'm not even going to mention "Mad Max" scenarios of post-nuclear wasteland, because that sound even more unlikely, considering the fact that the Cold War is over.



No, not that either... sorry.

No, the most plausible future scenario we can have is the all-famous "dystopian future". Where humanity is reduced to a bunch of shallow, uncaring shells of human beings, everyone is miserable, there is a totalitarian government/corporation on top of all, and everything is run by high-tech stuff. Be it George Orwell's "1984.", or Spielberg's "A.I.", it's always some miserable high-tech faschist shit. No, seriously. Those movies really make it clear on us. We're gonna end up in a neo-Nazi state by 2000. Hell, we were supposed to go to Jupiter along with a homicidal supercomputer on board by 2001. Instead, look at where we are. The fact that I'm not stabbing a radioactive Nazi raccoon right now probably makes Orwell, Clarke and Huxley spin in their graves, even as we speak.



Just look at that radioactive Nazi bastard!!!! Quickly, gut that fucker!!!!!!

But even tough I don't support any kind of totalitarianism, especially not the Nazis (hell, I'd be happy to drive a chainsaw through their guts, in case they ever return as zombies), I have to admit that some of those visions of the future don't seem so bad at all. Just think about it... How are all those "dystopian" societies portrayed in those movies? Let's try to analyze some of them, shall we?


1.) "Equilibrium"



In "Equilibrium", also known as "the most kickass SF film ever made", Christian Bale jumps into shoes of Cleric Preston, yet another stereotypical savior of mankind from it's evil overlords. Bla bla bla, 10 fight scenes later, Bale kills the main villain and human race is free again to... feel.

Wait, what the fuck?!

In case you didn't see the movie, it all takes place in not-so-distant future where all the humans are being fed "Prozium", a drug that makes you feel... well, nothing. It literally takes away your ability to feel anything. So, forget about being excited about the first boob you grab, guys! Sounds horrible, right? It would, if all the people didn't live in a freakin' Utopia.

So let's get this straight... In "Equilibrium" world, there is no crime. No poverty. No starvation. No pedophiles. No rapists. No war. No disease. No pollution. No mass graves of civilians butchered by some militia.

Society is in perfect order, and justice system doesn't exist, because there's no need for one. Everyone and everything is controlled by guys in black leather trenchcoats and black helmets, led by a group of elite "Clerics". Also known as "official ass-kickers". There have been such a breakthroughs in medical science that there are no sick people, no genetically defect people, no ugly fat monstrosities posing as humas. For fuck's sake, do you ever see a person wearing GLASSES in a dystopian future? That's because there's no fucking need for them!

Besides, you can always enlist to become "official assk-kicker" yourself, since all your defects you might've had have long since been cured. If studying martial arts all day long, EVERY SINGLE DAY and wearing black trenchcoats is your thing (and it damn well should be, if you're a man), then this is the place for you!

And they'd all give that up... so there could be emos?!?! Wait, are you out of your fucking mind?!?!

We're not talking about a world where the Nazis took over, or where an evil dictator killed all the puppies. Sure, some might argue that your "personal freedom" is taken away, but who gives a shit about that when you live comfortably in a nice apartment, drive awesome future cars, kick asses for a living, the streets are clean and no one is starving? Think about it, and you'll see why I rooted for the trenchcoat-wearing bad guys with masks, instead of ragtag bunch of unshaved hippies fighting for "freedom".
If you think that's worse then a world where we're more interested in drunk celebrities then progress of science and living standards, then my friend, good luck with that! You can bitch about your shitty job and turn all your life problems into a melodrama on Twitter. Maybe Kim Kardashian will like it. As for me, I'm off to become a "Cleric".


2.) A.I.



Ah, who could forget "Artificial Intelligence"... A two-and-a-half-hour long rape of all your senses, courtesy of Steven Spielberg. But seriously, it wasn't a bad movie. If it wasn't for Spielberg, a sissy movie about a robot kid trying to get his mommy to hug him would turn out even worse (if that's possible). But since it was Spielberg after all, I managed to watch the movie without vomiting, and even admire some of it's beautiful visuals. Seriously, that guy can turn every crap into a good movie. Even "Munich". How the hell does he do that?!?!

Anyway, in this "dystopian" SF flick, Earth has become so densely populated that there simply aren't enough resources to go around. Add to that a few ecological fuck-ups and the future is set! So some evil corporation decided to make robots that do everything humans are supposed to do, while not wasting any precious resources like food and oxygen.

Of all the dark SF flicks about fucked-up future, this one seems to be the most plausible. After all, people (especially the idiots) are having way too many kids. It's already crowded enough here as it is, and without famine, disease or great wars that would otherwise thin out the population (leaving only the fittest), it's only a matter of time before we outnumber both rats and cockroaches 10:1. So I wouldn't be surprised if young married couples would need a special permission to have even ONE dumb kid, let alone 3 or 4. Just like in this movie.

And again, this oh-so-dark vision of the future is a freakin' Utopia!

Again, there is no pollution because humanity was forced to start taking care of their environment. No one is starving, and everyone is more concerned about having fun, and fucking hot female sexbots then....

Woe, hold on a second! Hold on just ONE FUCKING SECOND!!!! SEXBOTS?!?!?!?! As in "female robots designed only to be sex slaves"?



Holy shit, do I even need to explain this?! Let's get one thing straight, once and for all... A world where you can fuck Gigolo Jane for a few extra bucks wherever, whenever and however the hell you want is not a Dystopia. It's a goddamn Paradise! Hell, you can even save some money, buy your own Gigolo Jane and call it a day! Just like I do with airsoft rifles. Who gives a shit about having kids?!

And just in case you really really really want to have a kid, well... buy a godamn robot! All the pros and none of the cons of having a real kid. Case closed!


3.) Ultraviolet



I know, I know... that movie was horrible! I disliked Milla Jovovich ever since "The Fifth Element". After "Resident Evil", I started to downright hate her. And after "Ultraviolet" I was seriously thinking about buying a flamethrower and showing up on her doorstep with a full tank. But never-the-less, the world in which this piece of shit movie takes place is also considered to be dystopian.

By who? Well, probably those tofu-munching, bisexual, pacifist, scarf-wearing, artsy-fartsy, hippie asshole types. You know, the kind of sissies that dislike guns, MMA, Heavy Metal and generally everything a goddamn MAN should like. And prefer depressing European art films over good old action, explosions and boobs. Yeah, those assholes. Anyway...

The technology in the world of Ultraviolet has gone so far you can literally store an entire warehouse into your pocket. Don't even ask me how. You just can. At every moment you can carry six assault rifles, three handguns and a goddamn sword, along with thousands of rounds of ammo. And you can pull any of those out in a blink of an eye, ready to spread some terror. The best part? No one, not even the high-tech securiti can detect any of it. How FUCKING great is that?! And that's only one tiny bit of what the technology can do. In this movie, technology literally means magic. Of course the streets are clean. Of course there are sexbots. Of course everyone has tons of guns. It's a freakin' Paradise!

And to add cream to your cake, a mysterious "disease" is spreading, turning humans into blood-sucking supermen. For some reason, that is considered to be a bad thing in this movie. But fuck that!

I'd take my chance to become a gun-wielding vampire superman over Reality TV, Facebook and celebrity sex tapes any time, thank you very much. So what are we waiting for? The future awaits, my friends!

World War 3 according to Operation Flashpoint

At ease, soldier!

As some of you might've noticed, two most overused themes on this blog are music (Heavy Metal to be precise) and video games. The reason for that is very simple, really. Music and video games are my all-time favorites. I love those things as much as I love my own genitals, and no girlfriend so far has been able to persuade me otherwise, let alone make me abandon it for the sake of cuddling and watching "Dirty Dancing" every weekend. For some reason, chicks dig that movie A LOT...

Never the less, the main reason for those things to be mentioned on my blog so often is because, like everything else, it turned into a messed-up clusterfuck over the time. Is it because I'm getting older and lamer, or because development companies are run by retards, I honestly can't tell.

And of course, as everyone, I do have my favorites in those two categories. Music aside, let's just focus on video games this time. After years of gaming experience, I can honestly say my favorite game of all time is Operation Flashpoint.



Yes, even tough it looked like this.
So what exactly makes me write about Operation Flashpoint, and what exactly makes me think it is bullshit for most part? Because let's face it, there aren't many awesome things analyzed in detail on this blog...

OK, so here's the premise... Operation Flashpoint is a military sim set at the peak of the Cold War, during 1980s. 1985, to be precise, shortly before the fall of The Berlin Wall and dissolving of the Soviet Union. For some reason, the Russians decided to attack some middle-of-nowhere, piece-of-shit fictional republic the size of one small island. Just how would that strengthen the Soviet Union, I honestly can't tell. So, as a good and honorable U.S. soldier, it is your job to kick the Commies back to Red Square and teach them never to mess with freedom, democracy and McDonald's ever again. Sounds plausible, right? Well, as much plausible as "Red Dawn", but never mind that...

The point is, we have the setting, we have the coolest guns available, and we have the best recruitment commercial for U.S. Army you ever saw. And we have the villains that are politically correct to slaughter. Yippy-kai-ayyyyeeee!!!!!! Cold War is awesome again!!!!!



Just look at those evil Communist ugly mugs, standing there smiling and all! Somebody ought to teach them a lesson! And that guy even has John-Lennon-style sunglasses! Holy cow, not only are they evil Communists, they are also hippies! Time for a lead injection, cocksuckers!!!!!

But that's not all, just look at the asshole leading them!



His name is General Alexei Sergeievich Guba. And no, General is not his military rank, it's his goddamn name! Why? Because he's the evil villain, that's why! He even has a Ukranian mistress! Among soldiers and Gulag prisoners he is also known as "The Dentist". Apparently, not even the U.S. Special Forces know how he got that nick name, but it sure sounds scary. If he reminds you of an average James Bond villain, that's because he is.
He's the western stereotype of a Soviet general, leading the western stereotype of a Soviet army in a game that is supposed to be "realistic". Good job, guys!

So far so good, right? What could be wrong with this game? After all, it tries to simulate an actual modern battlefield. Why am I being such a misguided cockweasel?

Well, the entire reputation of this game is built around "realism". There are even rumors of U.S. Army using it as a training tool. Which may sound plausible after you beat the first few missions. You play the entire game from a first person perspective. You can run, crouch, go prone, shoot, reload, aim down your iron sights, and one bullet in the right place can end it all for you. Hey, not bad! After countless games where you jumped around like a goddamn monkey with a machine gun, spraying bullets through a tiny white cross in the middle of your monitor screen, this was quite a refreshment!

Yeah, after beating the first mission, I really felt like I could just pick up an M16 and go shoot me some Russians. It all sounds plausible, despite the graphics that was horrible even for 2001 standards. But here's the problem...



The entire game takes place on a fictional island that awfully reminds me of stereotypical English and New Zealand landscape, with it's forests and green meadows. The problem is, it works and feels like a goddamn desert. How? Well, look at the picture above! Take away the fence and the benches, and you're left with a flat green surface for miles around you. No vegetation. No bushes. No trees. No walls. Just a green desert all around you. Forget about cover, my boy... Which means that taking cover and moving carefully is not really an option, expect when you're crawling on your belly in plain sight. Something your average real-life C.O. wouldn't recommend.

So basically, despite the fancy aiming and movement, we're left with a goddamn run-and-gun shooter. OK, you can take cover in the forest, but that doesn't help much to boost up the realism... or DOES it?

Maybe I'm forgetting about one crucial detail in all this mess. And that is the U.S. soldiers are goddamn SUPERMEN! And we're talking about regular troops here, if they sent the Marines, the war would probably be over in two days. One day to slaughter the enemies. One day to yell "Hurrah!" and drink all the gasoline from the Russian tanks they destroyed. With their fists. Because, according to video games prior to Brothers In Arms and Gears Of War, taking cover is for pussies. Real men stand on tip of their toes in a firefight and get shit DONE with a hail of 5.56 mm slugs.



What do you think he would do if faced with an onslaught of Russian tanks? Found some cover and called for backup? Maybe if he was a sissy. But he's not. He's THE MARINE.
So we have a Bond villain leading the Soviet troops, a real American hero as a main character, lots and lots of guns... what am I complaining about? Well, how about a lack of teamwork?

You may think that Operation Flashpoint has plenty of teamwork involved. And you may be right. From mission 1 you are working as a part of your squad, and later on you even get a squad of your own to command. That's some macho stuff for you right there, leading a squad of U.S. soldiers that are only one step away from being the MARINES and two steps away from being GODS. Well, at least until you see them running into a tree, face first...

Call me old-fashioned, but I always tought working as a team meant covering each other and moving carefully from cover to cover. In this game, however, all the commands you can give to your squad are mostly about changing their formation (won't help you a bit in a firefight, but boy does it make you look cool), and getting into a vehicle. It never occurs to them to stup running around like retards, and find some cover. And then pop a few shots at the enemy, maybe cover each other as they move... Again, I might be a bit misguided. Since we already established that they are goddamn MEN, not some cover-seeking amateurs.



You see, this is the wrong way to do it... Cowering behind a brick wall, taking potshots, assisting your mates by providing covering fire...

And here's the right way to do it!



Hell yeah! Running shoulder-to-shoulder with you mates through an unknown, possibly enemy-occupied village while carrying a true American M16 and looking like a total BADASS.

If you are, by some chance, a gritty Operation Flashpoint veteran, you might notice that some missions take place during heavy rain. It only makes me wonder... How come your guns never jam? No, seriously... there you are, carrying an M16 through mud and rain, crawling on your belly with it, and it never fucking jams! All my life I was lead to believe that M16 was nothing short of awesome, and then all of a sudden, I learn that it is extremely unreliable in real life, which cost many lives. I was ready to call it a day and pick myself an AK, but then... here comes Operation Flashpoint! And it turns out that yes, M16 truely IS the best weapon ever made! Accurate, reliable, lethal and easy to use! We all know this because Operation Flashpoint is, you know, realistic...



Hell yeah, a rifle that won the World War 3!

Also, your tanks never break down, helicopters never crash, trucks never get bogged down in the mud, and generally all of your equipment is working properly all the time. Really, maybe I should've named this article "My misguided views on how World War 3 would've been fought"...

One of the things that also stunned me in this game is how desolate and abandoned the world looks. It doesn't matter if you're moving through a village or the capital city, there's never any civilians around. You can drop a nuke and it still wouldn't be considered a war crime, since there were no innocents hurt in the process. Holy shit, I tought war was tough on the civilians! Turns out they're never put in harm's way. Ever! Because none of those people care about their properties and their houses, they just moved away safely and let the Russians take it. OK, in Operation Flashpoint: Resistance we sometimes see a village populated by 5 people. But they're mostly there for the sake of mission objectives.

Oh, and just in case you're wondering... the whole mess broke out when a renegade villain general (described above) decided to "fuck it all" and just led thousands of soldiers, along with tanks, air force and Spetsnaz units to destroy one tiny democratic republic. Without any involvment from Moscow! At all! According to colonel Blake, leader of the good guys in this game, they're "so far from the central command in Moscow we're not even sure who are they taking orders from". That's right. They were operating on their own behalf all the time, without any knowledge or involvement from central command in Moscow.
The Soviet Union never noticed their army invaded a godamn country. Apparently, all the communications in the Red Army was done by carrier pigeons. So my fan fiction scenario of carrier pigeons fucking things up by delivering wrong messages to general Guba seems plausible after all.



You incompetent asshole!

Reasons why none of us would survive a zombie outbreak

I think we can all agree on one thing - Resident Evil 4 is one of the best games ever released! Seriously, what is there NOT to like about that game? Great atmosphere, tons of weapons, kickass gameplay, plenty of violence, badass main character and ZOMBIES. Holy shit, do we like zombies! OK, those things in Resident Evil 4 aren't EXACTLY zombies, but what the hell... they're slow, they're stupid, they come in packs, and they moan. Close enough. We got genuine zombies in Left 4 Dead and millions of other horror-themed video games and slasher movies. And we LOVE them!
Hell, I heard so much praise for Left 4 Dead when it was released, I tought it was Christmas coming twice! And let's not forget that episode of Fear Itself with a hot chunky Goth chick turning the whole town into zombies. We love zombies so much we are even willing to claim "28 Weeks Later" was a kickass movie, despite being completely retarded. Seriously, why do we like the damn zombies so much? And I don't mean "like" in a way that we want to make out with a corpse. Well, some Goth people probably do, but that's not the point.



Even tough, when you think about it...

Anyway, the point is, we all like to shoot zombies. We like to see some brains splattered, and by God, we like to feel good about ourselves when we get some pixel heads chopped off in the safety of our living rooms! I'm not gonna waste time analyzing WHY do we like it, because plenty of other people already analyzed that in detail. Let's just assume, for the sake of this argument that we love killing zombies because fuck you, that's why!



Even tough, seeing Tobey Maguire as a zombie is enough of a reson to blow him a new sunroof on top of his skull. And why we all secretly want a zombie apocalypse to actually happen. Hell, there are entire websites, blogs, forums and books out there dedicated to studying zombie biology, zombie survival strategies and generally everything self-proclaimed zombie experts think you should do in case zombies show up and decide to make a sandwich out of your guts.
OK, let's pretend that it's not all bullshit, and that zombies are not fictional monsters from movies and video games. Let's just say a zombie outbreak could actually happen. What chances do we have? And by "we" I mean us, regular young folks who spend most of their time playing zombie smasher video games, listening to music and thinking about grabbing some boobs in the near future.

When you really think about it, we don't stand a chance...



First of all, can you tell me where all your knowledge of zombies comes from? Hollywood flicks and video games, no doubt. Well, we all learned from action flicks and video games, come to think of it. And for some reason, we all think that thousands of hours spent playing Halo 2 and F.E.A.R. translates to thousands of hours of military training.



Pictured above: a recruitment poster for Navy SEALs.

In real life, thousand of hours spent playing Halo are no more then thousands of hours spent NOT DOING ANYTHING ELSE that might be even remotely useful to us in real life. Like lifting weights, jogging, practicing martial arts, or visiting a shooting range to boost up your marksmanship. In other words, we can't run, we can't shoot, and we probably wouldn't survive a sparring session with a bunny. Sure, you might say "But video games improve our reflexes. I read it in a magazine, or somewhere on the internet...". And I'll tell you right now it's a complete and utter bullshit.
Here's a proof...

One of my favorite hobbies is playing airsoft. For those of you who don't know anything about it, it's like paintball, only for men. You use real-life military equipment and electric rifles that look exactly like their real world counterparts. And you use small squad tactics and team work just like any other military unit.



First time I showed up to a fight, I tought I'd do well. After all, I saw plenty of documentaries about weapons, tactics and special forces. I beat Brothers In Arms: Road To Hill 30 on "Authentic", and I am a renowned Operation Flashpoint veteran. I KNEW I had to aim carefully, stick to cover, and flank the enemy whenever I get the chance. Just like we all KNOW we have to shoot zombies in the head.

I was mowed down in less then 5 minutes.
And it didn't get any better afterwards. I was "killed" about 20 times that very same morning, without scoring any hits of my own. So much for video games as a military training tool...

And there are a few good reasons for that.
First of all, if there's anything video games and movies are bad at, it's realism. In other words, Halo might be fun, but ultimately, it's a pile of bullshit.

Second, there is a hell of a difference between knowing how to do something in theory and trying to actually pull it off in real life. Things like ambushing your opponents, or flanking them is really hard. Despite how easy it seems in games such as Brothers In Arms. That's why real soldiers spend years practicing it. Not to mention the fact that "flanking" maneuver (that these games often teach you) is extremely risky and often reckless thing to pull off in real life. And it will probably result in you getting cut in half by a hail of bullets. Because Germans aren't stupid, despite what you might've learned from Call Of Duty. Especially when you don't have countless hours of actual military training to back it up.

And third, all the stuff that video games teach us about actual firearms is complete and utter crap.



According to Vietcong, this thing is extremely accurate up to 500 meters, can knock out an enemy even further away, has very little recoil, and a first round doesn't even need to be manually loaded after changing a clip. On the other hand, according to Brothers In Arms, it takes half of it's clip to kill an enemy that is standing two meters away of you. Apparently, American paratroopers in WW2 preferred rubber bullets. So, which one do you believe? Well, I think that just about sums all the useful information and skills we got from video games. Which is exactly zero.

Now that we understand how pressing buttons on keyboard or a gamepad will do exactly jack shit to improve your marksmanship and combat reflexes, let's take a look at our strategy.



No matter how peaceful and nice you are, when the shit really hits the fan, you need to pack a piece. Preferably a fully automatic piece. Or a shitload-of-buckshot piece. So, the first thing you do after chopping grandma's head off when she tries to eat you, is you get to the nearest gunstore and get yourself a bigger dick then the one nature gave you. Let's assume, for the sake of few good laughs, that you DO make it to the gunstore alive, and without your head blown off by a crazy motherfucker on the roof with a sniper rifle. Because, you know, owners of the gunstore are probably not gonna let you take all their stuff if you ask "pretty please". But let's say they do. How do you equip yourself?



If you're a true American gamer, you'll probably want to grab some kind of scoped M16 or M4 assault rifle as a "general purpose" weapon, a high-powered sniper rifle for those situations when you have to pick'em off from a distance, and a handgun, simply because it looks cool in your drop leg holster. Add to that a knife, a bottle of booze, and as much ammo as you can carry, and you're set! Off you go, Rambo!

Holy shit, you'll fall on your face after 10 minutes, and I don't mean by passing out after you realize how awesome you are.
First of all, have you ever tried carrying two rifles? You know, one in your hand, one on your back, like they do in video games? No? Well, if you did, you'd know it's not easy. You see, real guns are heavy. More so, sniper rifles and other "specialized" weapons are usually big, long and awkward to carry around. That's why you never see any real soldiers carrying 2 rifles around with them. Go ahead, put a bigass gun on your back, while at the same time carrying another in your hands, and navigate through a building, or even a goddamn park. Awkward, isn't it? That damn rifle is getting in the way! And since you're not a special forces officer, there's a good chance you'll get stuck in a doorway, or get entangled with a goddamn rose bush. Dammit, man, do you even know how co clean and maintain a gun properly?!



Yeah, that was a BRILLIANT idea, bringing a big ass high-caliber sniper rifle with you. You're THE MAN! Really, I wouldn't go that way.
In case you wanted to bring a machine gun, I have even worse news for you. Machine guns are generally heavy as fuck, and require a special training. So I wouldn't go that way either. That's exactly why each and every real army unit has specifically trained machine gunners and designated marksmen, or even snipers.
The fact that most gamers think using a machine gun means spraying hails of bullets while running sideways like a fucking retard speaks enough for itself. Thanks a lot , Half-Life!



Pictured above: also not a very bright idea.

Next, we have a little issue of ammo. In video games such as Grand Theft Auto, our badass characters are often carrying hundreds of rounds of ammo without even a backpack. We just assume they're pulling spare clips of armor-piercing 5.56 out of their asses. But anyway, since you're smart enough to know that's bullshit, you're perfectly prepared for that situation, by carrying a large backpack and baggy clothes with lots of pockets. You know, just like Leon in Resident Evil 4...

Oh, no, wait... he didn't have a backpack! But at least he had some pockets and an inventory we just assumed was a backpack that he had stashed in his ass.



On the other hand, if you have a kickass emo haircut such as this, and two hot chicks by your side, you're too much of a badass to carry a goddamn backpack! Anyway...

Even tough Leon is a highly-trained Secret Service officer with a Ph. D. in ass-kicking, even he couldn't carry all that junk by himself. And even if he did, just imagine what would happen once he had to change a clip in the middle of a zombie onslaught. He'd have to take off his backpack, dig up a spare clip, reload his gun, then put his backpack on again. Not a very practical thing to do when there's a fucking zombie 2 meters away from you. Yes, it turns out combat vests were invented for a reason... A very good reason, to store your ammo clips and other spare junk somewhere it won't get in the way and will be easily accessible.



So, you'll be needing this.

Well, so far we have established that we are good-for-nothing when it comes to firing a gun, completely ignorant when it comes to ANY real life military tactics, and that we know shit about proper equipment and firearms. Add to that our non-existing stamina and completely misguided strategy of survival. So what else is there to make sure we don't last five minutes in an average Left 4 Dead scenario?

Most of all, our idiotic "shoot them in the head" philosophy. Just think about it... headshots are cool and bring extra score points in video games. Sometimes they're even treated with a kickass slow motion sequence of a bullet blowing your enemy's skullcap off (Sniper Elite, anyone?). Why is that? Well, because they're so damn hard to pull off in real life, that's why! You have to aim carefully, mind your stance and timing, mind the recoil of the weapon and squeeze the trigger properly. And not only that none of us knows jack shit about sniping, most of us don't even know where the safety release is located on most weapons.

No, what we need is a gooddamn AK-47 which is fully automatic, reliable, and idiot proof to operate. And packs a big punch. Take a few clips of ammo, and whenever you see a group of brain eaters, just spray a hail of bullets at their waist level to slow them down and get the fuck out of there! You can worry about looking like a badass later. Seriously, you don't even need accuracy, just shoot and scoop! It doesn't matter if the brain eaters are slow and moaning (Resident Evil 1, 2, 3, 4), or faster then Speedy Gonzales (28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Dawn Of The Dead). They never show up alone. They come in numbers. Big, huge numbers. And I'm talking dozens, sometimes even hundreds. So making headshots for extra points is probably not a very good idea.



I know it doesn't look like much, but boy does it hurt to stand in front of one while it's discharging! Even if you're a zombie!

And just in case you're wondering - Milla Jovovich, with her roundhouse kicks also wouldn't do much good against such an onslaught, so forget about yelling "Kyaaaah!" while slapping a monster with a karate chop. Even if it worked in "Karate Kid", it will only give zombies a good laugh before they tear you to pieces.



Yeah, when I REALLY think about it, she's deffinitely not the first person I'd ask for advice in case flesh eaters attack. Besides, that movie sucks! Sleep well, zombie survivalists!